Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Disappointing Children Of Rock Stars (Of The Day)

From Maxim.com. I think it would actually suck to be a rock star's kid. Talk about pressure. But at least there's always plenty of drugs and hot chicks around the house, so it can't be all bad.

SEAN LENNON

Anything having to do with Yoko Ono’s vagina is seen as having ruined the Beatles, so Sean, since you emerged from that thing, you’re shit outta luck, pal. You’re not helping matters by making boring indie-rock records, being kinda weird in general and continuing to hang out with your mom all the time. We want to like you as much as Julian, we really do. You’re almost 34, dude … ditch the old lady and start rockin’!

NELSON

With long, flowing locks and cheese-tastic pop songs, Gunnar and Matthew actually went all the way to No. 1 with 1990’s “Love and Affection,” a song you most likely remember blaring from your older sister’s Walkman throughout the worst family vacation ever. The twins' dad, Rick Nelson, died in a plane crash five years before they hit the charts, likely after having a vision of their lameness while freebasing cocaine. Gunnar went on to join the cast of VH1’s “Celebrity Fit Club,” even though he wasn’t fat; losing a few pounds didn’t make him any less irritating.

PEACHES GELDOF

One of the absolute worst is Peaches, daughter of Boomtown Rats frontman Bob Geldof. Let’s say your dad’s been knighted and is highly regarded as a great humanitarian. As a teenager, should you keep a low profile and perhaps try to engage in some positive, constructive activity? Or, given your access to health, develop a hunger for fame and lead a self-destructive lifestyle that makes Pete Doherty blush (seriously)? Your pop may not like Mondays, but we sure as shit don’t like you.

ELIJAH BLUE ALLMAN

Hmmm, what’s the best way to rebel against your Southern-rockin’ hippie father? How about wearing eyeliner and forming a plodding goth-rock band called Deadsy? Mission accomplished. The only child produced by the union of Gregg Allman and Cher, Elijah Blue was surely scarred by years of his dad’s substance abuse, his mom’s fishnets and Richie Sambora hanging around the house. But then again, maybe he was doomed for mediocrity from birth … after all, what can you expect from a dude whose parents made this?

FRANK SINATRA, JR.

It’s easy to pick on Junior here, what with the purportedly fake 1963 kidnapping (which cost his old man $240,000 in ransom before the perpetrators were caught), his dismal singing career, or his “acting” in movies like “Wacky Taxi” and “Codename: Zebra.” But anyone who can poke fun at themselves on “Family Guy” and was favorably name-checked in Bob Dylan’s Chronicles Vol. 1 autobiography can’t be all bad, right? Wait, have you seen “Codename: Zebra”? I have, and it ain’t pretty.

SEAN STEWART

Kudos to Sean for doing the seemingly impossible: finding a way to suck more than Rod Stewart. Though he claims to be a songwriter, Rod the Mod’s douchebag son has done little more than write the theme for his failed 2007 reality series “Sons of Hollywood” and land in jail after hurling a brick at a couple outside of a party. Somehow finagling his way onto Dr. Drew’s “Celebrity Rehab” series, Stewart celebrated his new clean and sober lifestyle earlier this year with an appearance on “Judge Jeannine Pirro,” where he whined about the lack of affection from his parents and his unpaid personal training bills.

(List continues here)


22 comments:

  1. ACK!!! Bob Geldof in drag!!!! My eyes!

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  2. Rod Stewart actually had a kid? What did he do, spit into some woman's cooter?

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  3. Woah! Nice one, Frank! I was thinking barf, but you took the high road.

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  4. this could make for an interesting paternity suit. It wouldn't be his kid then, right? Since he swallowed some other dude's sperm.

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  5. Rod Stewart has been jumping from model to model and littering his spawn all over the damn place for years. Seriously - I think he has 6 or 8 kids.

    I agree with you, Cary - I think it would suck beyond belief to be any of these people. In addition to always being compared to your famous parent, I think it would be hard to have any perspective on whether you actually have any talent, and then with Daddy's industry connections, and people happy to make a buck off you regardless of how much you might suck, it's hard to blame most of these people for what they've put out into the world.

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  6. I was relieved to not see Jason Bonham, son of Led Zepplin's John Bonham, on this list.

    He is a fantastic drummer and a hell of a nice guy.

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  7. Cher and Gregg Allman doomed their kid right from the start, I think, by dubbing him Elijah Blue.

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  8. I do hope we can make room for Dweezil, Ahmed, and Moon-Unit Zappa on our list.

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  9. Dweezil rocks and Ahmet and Moon Unit haven't bothered anyone that I know of in years.

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  10. I saw the 'Zappa plays Zappa' last year and it was excellent. I'm not familiar with much of Zappa's music but these were some high-quality musicians, including Dweezil.

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  11. Isn't Elijah Blue wearing one of those metallic thingies that supposedly have curative powers by using ionic energy that goes through your wrist and affects all your power zones or something? I remember them from the 80s, they were hugely popular with senior citizens around here.

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  12. ... all of whom are dead now.

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  13. Uncle Isidro is still walking among the undead. And still rocking that bracelet... must be the nickel and hexavalent chromium in the plating.

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  14. Frank Sinatra Sr once said that the kidnappers released his son when he started singing.

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  15. i can only imagine what frances bean cobain has turned out like, what with having courtney love as a parent...

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  16. Frances seems (from the little I've read about her), a fairly "normal" young lady. Her g/mother has raised her for the most part.

    She looks exactly like Kurt, BTW.

    And what the hell happened to the genes in Wolfie? Eddie was good looking in his heyday! And was there anyone hotter than Valerie Bertinelli?

    David Soul's daughter, China, also sings professionally. I think her music is terrible. From her gorgeous parents, she inherited none of their good looks.

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  17. I feel pretty sorry for these kids. Victims of narcissistic parents, private schools, leaching friends and trying to live up to the hot chicks and drugs of their parents.

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  18. Sean Lennon is actually pretty good. Listen to "Friendly Fire." Great album.

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  19. Give Frank Jr. a break... there has always been a rumor his kidnapping was faked, but it has proven not to be true. Let's kick his dad in the junk for burdening his son with that name.

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  20. Elijah Blue made amazing music that i listen to everyday. He shouldnt be here. Elijah your the best, be yourself and screw the people who hate on you. DEADSY BEST BAND EVER.

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