So wrong, but I laughed. The Devil made me.
From The Onion.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
OneSentence.org is a website that calls itself "an experiment in brevity." They explain: "Most of the best stories that we tell from our lives have one really, really good part that make the rest of the boring story worth it. This is about that one line. This is about telling the most interesting or poignant story possible in the fewest words. This is about small bite-sized pieces of extraordinary lives and ordinary lives alike... the happy, the sad, the funny, the depressing."
I linked to the site in a post a few months ago, but it's such a terrific idea that I wanted to go back and lift some of the best sentences for another post. Hope you like. If not, here's a sentence: Eat my shorts.
When I was 5 or so my mom would tell me to lie down before she tied my tie and I just now realized at the age of 19 that she did this because she's a funeral director.
We didn't wait till our wedding night and we were a little late for our reception.
Shortly after a palliative care nurse suggested Preparation H as a treatment for my weeping-induced under-eye bags, my mother, who was dying of cancer, opened her eyes and left me with these parting words of wisdom to sustain me after she died: "Whatever you do, do NOT put ass cream on your face."
As you were breaking up with me, all I could think about were those mornings when you compared the Pop-Tarts and gave me the one with more frosting.
One night on ecstasy, I stopped a fight between two drag queens in the ladies restroom and then I made them give each other a hug.
I only realized how strange my life was when I received a full scholarship for having a father in prison for murder.
My cat challenged me to a game of "Guess Where I Pooped Before You Step In It" and I lost.
I held my father's hand as he died in that hospital room and realized I'd never held his hand before that moment.
Only a few blocks from home my 3-year-old brother opened the rear door of our family's Dodge Polara, and quick as a wink he was gone.
His efforts were so valiant, I didn't have the heart to tell him it was front clasp.
I realized I might have drinking problem one night in my car, which was upside down and on fire.
Today you shaved your hair into a mohawk to make my mom laugh over losing hers to chemo and today I realized that you are my hero.
My 8-year-old sister proudly declared that she knows that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Funny" and has been using it all over the internet.
I married my husband on our first date, but it has taken me more than 5 years to decide what colour to paint our dining room.
During the party, an awkward silence fell in the room after my wife's grandmother asked me loudly if I'd ever seen a shaved beaver.
Three years into my English major, I finally ran out of BS.
I conduct job interviews for a living and nothing gives me a better sense of wielding karma than giving the job to the nervous kid instead of the better qualified arrogant prick.
After crying in a church parking lot for 20 minutes about the news of my best friend's death, someone from the church asked me to leave.
My online dating service matched me with my cousin.
As I woke up from my nap to find written on my feet "This is my momma and you can't have her," I realized that my child is very, very strange.
My cat died almost a year ago, but I still find her hair on my clothes and blankets sometimes.
I've never felt as guilty as when my mother took one look at me the weekend I lost my virginity on a class trip and said, "Something is different about you."
Ok, let's hear yours...
Once upon a time, Sir Paul McCartney took a royal dump (and a royal wee, I assume; you've heard of that) in his royal gold-plated toilet. He finished, flushed and left, but didn't make sure it all went down. Later he came back and spotted a floater in the bowl. "Wot's this then?!" he remarked as he stooped down for a closer look at his royal creation. He got a big whiff and said, "Blimey, that's ripe, guv'na!" But it was far too ripe for a regular single. "Wait a tick," said he, a flash of inspiration washing over him. "This is me Christmas song!"
Got this from Samsmama, and I have a question: What the FUCK? And why'd they have to bring poor Santa into it?
The Jewish version.
In other news, I once knew a woman named Lucy Pappas who dated a guy with the last name Meer. I always hoped they'd marry and she'd hyphenate her last name.
A rerun from last year. There's also a book, where most of these probably originated (link at bottom of post).
This one's from FOLOTD Bree.
Now here's how you do it, boys and girls. You stare down the old fat man like FOLOTD Blong.
Here are a few from a website called Sketchy Santas (thanks, Lefty and Elisa, for the link). In a couple of these the kids should be scared.
Buy the book and support LOTD: