Thursday, November 19, 2009
From Maxim.com. They forgot the man in the Hathaway shirt. And wasn't there a patch-wearing baddie in The Road Warrior?
ELLE DRIVER (Kill Bill)
Quentin Tarantino's parade of slutty Halloween costumes in Kill Bill reached its zenith with the lovely Elle (especially in "Nurse mode"). While she's good with the sword, she's bad with the balls: she loses one eye to Pai Mei, her martial arts trainer, and loses the other to The Bride (Uma Thurman) in a classically gory bit of QT magic.
After broken glass blinded him in one eye as a child, the ostentatious '80s rapper recognized the patch as both a trademark and another surface to bedazzle with zirconium. With heavily referenced hits like "La Di Da Di" and "Children's Story," we'd call him the best one-eyed rapper ever, but that's not really saying much (unless you're Bushwick Bill from the Geto Boys).
MIKHAIL BAKUNIN (Lost)
Although he defies death on the cult TV series several times, he fails to keep both eyes in his head, and also fails to let go of a live grenade, a move that quickly proves fatal (we think). Although a classic villain whose name references a 19th Century Russian anarchist, he is referred to by devoted fans of the show as, simply, "Patchy." Yes. That's all they could come up with.
SNAKE PLISSKEN (Escape From New York)
As Purple-Hearted U.S. Army Lieutenant gone nihilist badass Snake Plissken, Kurt Russell is the definitive hard case whether staring down Issac Hayes in Manhattan or shrugging off the world's most deplorable special effects in L.A. Russell would once again sport a patch as Captain Ron, but disappoints us by never once chucking a Chinese star into anyone's forehead in that trainwreck.
COMMANDER FRANCESCA "FRANKY" COOK (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow)
We've seen Angelina in a variety of fantasy-fueling outfits, but there's something about her uniformed, one-eyed Royal Navy ass-kicker that's 100-percent fetish-approved. This film dumps the sci-fi kitchen sink all over the screen (blimps, dinosaur-like creatures, flying robots, some Jude Law for the ladies), so why did it bomb? Maybe because she loses her eye instead of her shirt.
GENERAL CHANG (Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country)
Bonus badass points: Chang doesn't strap an eyepatch to his head—he bolts it to his fucking face! To prove Klingons are a civilized, if warring, race, Chang ends up quoting Shakespeare's Hamlet as a photon torpedo destroys his ship, even though he previously assasinated his former boss, Chancellor Gorkon, so thoroughly that not even Bones could revive the dude.
This British secret agent from the '80s cartoon series admits that he doesn't need the eye patch, but wears it because it's part of the suit and because he clearly understands its power. Although fluent in many terrestrial (and some extraterrestrial) languages, he can only muster the catchphrase "Good Grief!" which should have led to a cage match with Charlie Brown. Nevertheless, after a hugely successful run in Britain, the series made it to Nick at Nite, where it picked up yet another cult following of sugar-shocked American kids and nostalgic stoners.
PETE BURNS (Dead or Alive)
Hold on. We know what you're thinking, "Isn't this the disco pirate who infected us with 'You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) for most of the '80s?" And, well, you're right. But think about it—Burns would have been just another forgettable Rick Astley-alike if not for the trademark face decor. His songs and his hair said, "Hello, sailor!" His eyepatch said, "No, seriously, when do we set sail?"
EMILIO LARGO (Thunderball)
The one-eyed Godfather to anyone with the temerity to strap on a patch, Largo set the standard as SPECTRE Number Two in the Bond classic, Thunderball. All patch wearers are, at one point or another, placed against this atomic bomb-stealing badass. Mike Myers knew this, as you'll see in, well, one more entry or so…
LISA "LEFT EYE" LOPES (TLC)
Does wearing a condom on your eye count? Because it should. Initially explained as her super-important statement about practicing safe sex and taking personal responsibility, she went on to burn down boyfriend/Atlanta Falcons star Andre Rison's house. Thanks for the advice.
NUMBER TWO (Austin Powers series)
Rob Lowe/Robert Wagner shared duties as the young/old versions of Number Two in the Austin Powers series. The consigliere of Dr. Evil's empire, his dastardly eye patch has a doubly dastardly sight-enhancing camera, which allows him to cheat at cards. Frickin' villains: is there no end to their villainy?
PHIL KEN SEBBEN (Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law)
Formerly Falcon 7, the guy who would brief galactic superhero Harvey Birdman remotely, Charlie's Angels style, Phil Ken Sebben is now president of Birdman's law firm, Sebben & Sebben. Power mad, deranged, and fond of that "sissy European lisp thingy," Sebben proves that people will take anyone seriously if they sport the patch. Anyone.