If you've spent any time on the web, you know all these folks, and would love to get them all in a room together so you could slide open a ceiling tile and drop a grenade in.
From Stuff magazine.
THE IMdb MESSAGE-BOARD NAME DROPPER
Sites affected: IMDB. Also popular on other movie and music sites.
We love IMDB for its ridiculously thorough catalog of TV and movie knowledge, but stepping into their forums is like walking into a video store with a million pretentious and insecure clerks behind the counter that cast judgments on your taste in movies. But by far the worst part is the throng of unconnected schlubs who do nothing but mention how they don't agree with some of the choices Marty made in The Departed, or how they can appreciate how Quentin and Robert must feel about the general public not understanding the three-hour inside joke they called Grindhouse.
PEOPLE WHO POST "FIRST!!1!" IN EVERY COMMENT THREAD
Sites affected: Perezhilton.com, Break.com, just about any site with comments.
Making a post like this is basically like coming right out and saying, "I have nothing better to do than sit at my computer and wait for someone to update this blog." What's worse is when a bunch of people get in on the act and the first 10 comments on each post are the same useless word. In fact, if this article gets posted anywhere with comments (we don't have them for a reason) some smart guy will try to pull this. You can be sure that that person has never seen the bathing suit area of the opposite sex.
THE GUY WHO GIVES SOMETHING EVERYBODY LOVES A ONE-STAR REVIEW
Sites affected: Amazon.com, any site where grumpy users are allowed to write reviews.
A world where everyone completely agreed on every subject would be boring, but it might be slightly better than our current world in which contrarian blowhards can't resist the call of the one-star review button. Check out this example on Amazon.com. Irate user, Jabber, is mad because the characters on South Park are badly drawn. Is it a valid point to be made? Maybe. Is it reason enough to go on a public forum and rant like a maniac? Probably not
PeOplE ThaT Typ3 lIKE ThIS
Sites affected: Craigslist.com, eBay.com, any site where 13-year-olds are allowed to type.
We can understand ignoring some grammar, punctuation and capitalization for the sake of laziness, but typing like that travesty of a headline actually takes longer than just typing normally. Just think about how much you have to use your friggin' pinky. Plus, you have to factor in all the time it takes thinking, "Should it be 'InSANe CloWN PoSsE' or 'INsanE ClOWn PoSsE'?" Add in these knuckleheads' tendencies to end everything with a Z and use words like "wut" and "dat" and you have the perfect method for making people think that you're a total asshole with nothing of any value to say. Unless you're on the My Chemical Romance forum, in which case you're golden.
THE FACEBOOK POKER
Sites affected: Facebook.com
You don't call people on the phone if you have nothing to say to them. You don't send your friends e-mails that are completely blank. So why would you poke someone using Facebook? It makes so much more sense to just send a message or, better yet, don't do anything. If poking was a real-life conversation, this is how it would go:
Some jack-off: Hey, I'm looking at Facebook.
Us: Oh. Cool, I guess.
Some jack-off: Yep.
Us: Did you have anything to tell us, or...
Some jack-off: Nope, just poking you.
THE GUY WHO SAYS "THIS IS OLD" OR "NOT NEWS"
Sites affected: Tech blogs, Digg.com, Fark.com
When you work in a field as timely as technology reporting, getting scooped is a bad feeling. What's worse is the feeling of getting called out for being late on something by a guy who has nothing better to do than get fatter and check japanesecellphonesnoonehaseverheardof.com 200 times a day. If you're so up on your shit, why not start a news site and get in on some of that sweet Google AdSense money? Because you have too much integrity? Probably not. Because you're too busy getting fatter and watching Battlestar Galactica? That sounds more like it.
THE MYSPACE COMMENT BEGGAR
Sites affected: MySpace
Believe it or not, almost no one is as excited about the picture you took of yourself in the bathroom mirror — holding your arms above your head so you look a lot thinner, of course — as you are. Sending a bulletin begging for people to comment on it is just going to make them even less pumped. If you're dissatisfied with the amount of love that your MySpace page gets, you're either a person whose friends prefer traditional methods of communication or a completely insecure douche with lots of huge, sparkly word GIFs all over your page.
USELESS FORWARDER OF URBAN MYTHS AND CHAIN LETTERS
Sites affected: E-mail, MySpace, Facebook
We can deal with the endless amounts of penis enlargement and bank notification spam we get every day, but getting a useless and often completely ludicrous message from someone we were nice enough to trust with our e-mail address is a betrayal of the most heinous variety. No, Mars is not going to appear as big as the moon in the sky tonight. No, my crush's name will not appear if I send this message to 10 people. No, I don't want your inbox-clogging bullshit making us just that much dumber.
Sites affected: Every site with words.
We've already expressed our distaste for purposely nonsensical typing practices, but you can be sure that you'll never find us going online to criticize people about dangling a participle every now and again. We barely expect the average Internet commenter or message board poster to be able to finish Green Eggs and Ham, let alone know the difference between further and farther.
I'll add these to Stuff's list:
You know the type. They think every single photo on the web has been doctored, especially funny ones, because there's no way there's in hell there's really a place called Spread Eagle Village, that pic is totally Shopped. Sure, there's a lot of fakery on the web, but damn, dawg, it must suck to believe that nothing is real.
Cousin to the guy who gives everything a one-star review, The Contrarian loves to rebut anything and everything he reads. Yes, we all have different opinions, but The Contrarian just likes to be disagreeable for fun and attention:
YOU: The sun is hot.
HIM: Well, hot is a relative term, and, compared to some supernovas or asteroids, the sun's temperature is blah blah blah shut the FUCK up, Carl fucking Sagan.
THE INCOHERENT PSYCHO
The internet's version of the crazy homeless guy who stands on the corner screaming nonsense at passing cars. You write about flowers you planted and he comments about being abducted by aliens and playing on stage in the 80s with The Rolling Stones until Bill Wyman tried to kill him and how your blog is sending radio waves into his head and making him crazy and he's been in touch with the FCC and they're on to you.
THE ANGRY FOREIGNER WHO HATES AMERICA
Any post is liable to send him into an anti-U.S. tirade, even harmless ones about boobs or TV shows or cereal. "You Americans and your Cheerios. No wonder your country is going to hell!"