I'm diggin' this. Thanks, Patrick Knott, for the link.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
No offense to the guys who actually sired us, but having these movie characters as father figures would have made growing up a lot more entertaining. And potentially less psyche-scarring.
Type of Dad: Outdoorsy. Can be distant, however, due to frequent globe-trotting and capture by Nazis. Wins every "my dad is cooler than your dad" argument in three words: Hat. Jacket. Whip.
Fatherly Advice: "What you taught me was that I was less important to you than people who had been dead for five hundred years in another country. And I learned it so well that we've hardly spoken for twenty years."
JIM'S DAD (American Pie)
Type of Dad: Nervous and tentative, but his heart's always in the right place. Bonus points for seeing nothing wrong with bringing porn home and barely bats an eye when he catches you in the act of "tension relief."
Fatherly Advice: "I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of…masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it 'stroking the salami,' yeah, you know, 'pounding the old pud.' I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day."
JOHN McCLANE (Die Hard)
Type of Dad: The ultimate "weekend dad." But instead of showing up every few months to take you to soccer practice or buy you an Orange Julius, he shows up out of the blue to save you from international terrorists.
Fatherly Advice: "You know what you get for being a hero? Nothin'. You get shot at. You get a little pat on the back…'blah, blah, blah, attaboy.' You get divorced. Your wife can't remember your last name. Your kids don't want to talk to you. You get to eat a lot of meals by yourself. Trust me, kid, nobody wants to be that guy."
DARTH VADER (Star Wars)
Type of Dad: Evil galactic warlord too busy crushing star systems in his iron fist to take you to Toshi Station for ice cream—but, as soon as you mature, he'll gladly be all, "Hey, let's you and me kill the Emperor and take over the galaxy together." Talk about making amends.
Fatherly Advice: "Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy."
BOB PARR (The Incredibles)
Type of Dad: Engaging. Finding out that your father is a superhero should mean endless nights of "When's Dad coming home?" Instead, Bob is totally cool with his kids donning uniforms and facing almost certain death. Our dad won't give us the keys to the Prius.
Fatherly Advice: "No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to stay saved! You know, for a little bit?"
HOMER SIMPSON (The Simpsons Movie)
Type of Dad: Drunk, irresponsible, but ultimately loveable. In a world of Baby Bjorns and overprotective motherfathers, ol' Homer thinks nothing of having his kid ride shotgun on a motorcycle while carrying a bomb. Also, unfailingly loyal to mom, which should never go unappreciated.
Fatherly Advice: "Don't you just love being with someone who's recklessly impulsive?"
JOHN MATRIX (Commando)
Type of Dad: Unstoppable killing machine who can, literally, playfully tickle his daughter with one arm while simultaneously chopping down entire redwood trees with the other. Gives up a life of covert ops to raise her Little House on the Prairie stizz. Will casually kill thousands if his children are put in any danger.
Fatherly Advice: "You know when I was a boy and rock'n'roll came to East Germany, the communists said it was subversive. Maybe they were right."
CLARK GRISWOLD (Vacation)
Type of Dad: Enthusiastic. So much so, that he would rather cram his family into an overheated station wagon and drive 10 hours a day than take a 3 hour plane ride. But you can't buy parental devotion like that. Will also hold people at gunpoint if it means family fun time.
Fatherly Advice: "Everybody in the car! Boat leaves in two minutes…or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?"
To Maxim's list I will add a few that no one would want as a father:
JACK TORRANCE (The Shining)
Type of Dad: Troubled
Fatherly Advice: "I wish we could stay here forever... and ever... and ever."
DANIEL PLAINVIEW (There Will Be Blood)
Type of Dad: Ruthless
Fatherly Advice: "You're a bastard from a basket."
CHARLES HANSON (Before The Devil Knows You're Dead)
Type of Dad: Vengeful
Fatherly Advice: "You were always such a baby."
NOAH CROSS (Chinatown)
Type of Dad: Incestuous
Fatherly Advice: "Most people never have to face the fact that at the right time and the right place, they're capable of anything."
JERRY BLAKE (The Stepfather)
Type of Dad: Batshit crazy
Fatherly Advice: "Buckle up for safety!"
BRAD WHITEWOOD, SR. (At Close Range)
Type of Dad: Filicidal
Fatherly Advice: "Most people who drive through here see farms. Houses and fields and shit. I see money, I see things, everything got my name writ' on it!"
You tell him, sister. I remember seeing this one on TV a lot in the '80s. Even back then I thought El Pervo probably found that vest in a dumpster. WTF?
At one of my former jobs, a guy got in trouble for sexual harrassment -- against other dudes. And women, too, I'm pretty sure. He was this evil little middle manager who everyone hated -- he helped get a lot of my friends fired -- and I'm sure I wasn't the only one who saved his suggestive e-mails in a special file for a rainy day, if ya know what I mean. He eventually got canned himself. Buh bye, fuckface!