Thursday, September 24, 2009

9 Commercial Mascots I Want To Pummel

Yes, pummel. I know, violence doesn't solve anything, but it sure makes me feel better.

THE SHITTING CHARMIN BEARS



Does a bear shit in the woods? Yes. Do I need to see it? No. We all know what TP is for; I don't need to see people or animals heading to/talking about/sitting on the crapper or lovingly rubbing their faces with TP. But no, the good folks at Charmin think that defecating bears are cute. They even named all the bears and gave them bios on their web page. That's messed up, yo. If they never saw a real bear taking a dump, they might change their minds.

THE GEICO GECKO



The connection was tenuous from the start: an insurance company's name being confused with a lizard. Now it's just annoying. Oh yes, please let me buy car insurance from a talking lizard with a bad Michael-Caine-in-
Alfie Cockney accent. Blimey, that's bleedin' yampy, guv'na!

SUBWAY'S JARED, FORMER FATTY



We're told that Jared Fogle lost 250 lbs eating Subway sandwiches. Right -- Subway sandwiches AND an assload of exercise, which tends to help with weight loss. Oh, and they forget to mention how Jared got so fat in the first place: from -- ready for this? -- EATING AT SUBWAY! Yep. Whatever -- he has the charisma of a dirt clod and creeps me out with those beady eyes.

McGRUFF, THE CRIME DOG



Dogs have their own coats, so I always found it odd that McGruff wears a trench coat. Yeah, I know, he's supposed to be a detective, but the dude wears a trench coat and hangs out at playgrounds. That doesn't say detective to me. That says flasher. That's right -- McGruff is a goddamn flasher. "Hey kids, who wants to see my penal code?"

THE SIX FLAGS GUY



If you don't live anywhere near a Six Flags theme park, you probably missed this dude. Lucky you. Meet "Mr. Six": a young, clearly athletic person dressed up as Uncle Junior from The Sopranos who likes to jump around and dance like somebody's great-grandpa who double-dosed his Haldol and Cialis. How exactly does a manic nonagenarian in a creepy mask and Swifty Lazar glasses sell tickets to amusement parks? He doesn't, and Six Flags has spent most of the decade in financial turmoil, closing some parks and selling off others.

THE "VIVA VIAGRA" SINGERS



Ya know, I've played in several bands with other aging men (hi, Spinderfella) and not once did we spontaneously break into song about erectile dysfunction or boner juice. WTF?! Guys don't sit around talking -- or singing -- about their peckers, unless it's a big circle-jerk or something. Come to think of it, that's exactly what this jam session is: a big circle-jerk with music.

BURGER KING



Yes, I know, he's supposed to be creepy. Mission accomplished.

MRS. BUTTERWORTH



I prefer a syrup bottle that doesn't look like a person or talk (not to me, but I've seen her on TV). That way I don't feel like I'm removing the cap of her skull and pouring some Mrs. Butterworth mystery ooze all over my flapjacks. We've also never seen Mr. Butterworth, and that frightens me. I don't want to wake up in the night and find him standing over me with a machete because I sampled his wife's tasty nectar.

THE GEICO CAVEMEN



These spots stopped being funny about a month after they started -- which was what, 25 years ago? Sure feels like it. You can't really accuse this campaign of beating a dead horse, because the horse is long gone. So are his bones. You might find a wee bit of bone dust if look closely enough, but I doubt it.


Best. PSA. Ever.: Save The Boobs (NSFW-ish)

I second that boner sentiment. Where do I sign up?



Onion Video Of The Day: Landslide

Such mockery. I love it.

Vid Of The Day: Lashisse

From Funny Or Die.



Brainy Celebrity Hotties Of The Day

Who says you can't have it all? Brains + beauty = score! Our own Dr. Toni belongs on this list, as do many more of you, I'm sure.

From Fanpop.com.


NATALIE PORTMAN



You know her from: Star Wars, Garden State, Closer, The Professional

Why she's brainy: Has a psychology degree from Harvard. Also engaged in graduate studies at Hebrew University. Speaks Hebrew, French and Japanese fluently.


CINDY CRAWFORD



You know her from: The cover of every magazine printed in the 1990s. Yes, every single one.

Why she's brainy: High school valedictorian (4.0 GPA), enrolled at Northwestern University to study chemical engineering on full academic scholarship. Dropped out to pursue modeling full-time after a semester.


AIRSHWARYA RAI



You know her from: Numerous Bollywood movies and the 1994 Miss World pageant, which she won. Rai was declared the most beautiful woman of all-time by numerous web polls, magazine articles and Julia Roberts.

Why she's brainy: Was an A student at the prestigious Ruparel College in India (part of the University of Mumbai). Wanted to study medicine or zoology but ultimately ended up majoring in architecture. Fluent in several languages including Hindi, Marathi, English and Tamil (her native tongue is Tulu).


KATE BECKINSALE



You know her from: Click, Serendipity, Underworld, Pearl Harbor.

Why she's brainy: Attended Oxford University (New College) to study French and Russian literature for 3 years. As a teenager she was a two-time winner of the W.H. Smith Young Writers' competition for her short stories and poems. Is also fluent in French, German and Russian.


ELISABETH SHUE



You know her from: The Karate Kid, Adventures in Babysitting, Leaving Las Vegas.

Why she's brainy: Attended Wellesley College and Harvard University. She left Harvard to focus on acting in the mid 80s, but returned 15 years later to complete her degree in Government.


FAMKE JANSSEN



You know her from: GoldenEye, X-Men, The Faculty, Nip/Tuck

Why she's brainy: Attended Columbia University to study literature and writing. Later attended the University of Amsterdam to study Economics.


HEDY LAMARR:



You know her from: If you're using the internet, you probably don't know her. Ask your grandparents.

Why she's brainy: Owns a joint patent with composer George Antheil for an early version of spread spectrum communication technology (U.S. patent #2,292,387) - a concept that was later incorporated into wireless telephones and internet wifi.


AISHA TYLER



You know her from: Talk Soup, Friends, The Ghost Whisperer, 24.

Why she's brainy: Earned a Bachelor's degree from Dartmouth in Government with a minor in Environmental Policy. Fluent in French Russian and Swahili.


JENNIFER CONNELLY



You know her from: Career Opportunities, The Rocketeer, Requiem for a Dream, A Beautiful Mind

Why she's brainy: Attended Yale for 2 years (English) then transferred to Stanford to complete her Bachelor's degree. Is fluent in French and Italian.


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