Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Dirty Statues Of The Day (NSFW)

Some intentional, some not. Photos from Buzzfeed and Uphaa.


Ouch. Watch the teeth!


I wouldn't drink that, lady


It was the least she could do. He was rock hard.


Penis and ball, in honor of Lance Armstrong


Talk about a cluster fuck


Vagiant


I know it's small but it gets REALLY hard






Damn. What did you eat?


Fuckin' cats...




Got your balls!




Yes! Yes! YES!!



Flow Chart Of The Day: Star Wars

I've still only seen the original three, and it took me years to remove all traces of Return Of The Jedi from my memory. Maybe I'll get around to watching the new ones someday. Then again, maybe I won't.

From Maxim.com.
Click the diagram for a larger view.


Vid Of The Day: Clowns

Yeah, go fuck with the old people. They can't get away. Yet another reason never to end up in a nursing home. I told my wife to roll me off a cliff instead, and she said ok. I thought she might protest, but no, she seemed to like the idea.

The best part starts at 2:00. Fuckin' clowns. Now you get to change grandpa's diaper.

From Beth.




Comic Of The Day: iPod Roulette

I'll take a real bullet instead.

From Sheila.




Classic Music Video Of The Day: Telly

Long-dead actor Telly Savalas takes a stab at one of the worst songs of the 70s, which is kind of like one dog taking a piss on another dog's shit pile. Plays like a spoof, doesn't it? It's not. A lot of people thought this was outta sight back in the day. Clearly we had better drugs back then.

The vid would be better if the stoned blonde in the background grimaced every time Telly delivered a line, or gave a WTF? look to someone off camera. But when Telly turned her way, she'd stop making faces and resume pretending to be enthralled.

Who loves ya, baby? No one watching this video, that's for sure.




29 Stupid Rapper Names Of The Day

There's only one music genre that rivals metal in the shitty band name department, and that genre is rap. I couldn't come up with crappier names than these if I tried.

A great list idea from Kelli T. Pics and copy from
Cracked.com and Comedy.com.


LIL' SCRAPPY
Unless you're a puppy who can somehow rap, this name does not work. Even if you're little and scrappy, there are better ways to express it. Lil' Scrappy is really just a step away from Mr. Woofles.


CHAMILLIONAIRE
Is he a millionaire who blends in with the rest of us? Or maybe he is a million chameleons who have joined together, combining their camouflage skills to appear as a rapper in order to take advantage of today's enormous market for bad hip-hop. Either way, he's an idiot.


69 BOYZ
Wha? You like to 69 boys? Or you want to 69 Boyz II Men?


BUBBA SPARXXX
First, he named himself after what we can only assume was his frat nickname at whatever Southern junior college he flunked out of. Then, he threw in the triple X to give it just the right porn-site-where-you-can-go-to-watch-fat-people-have-sex vibe. Suxxx.


NOREAGA
With an endless supply of infamous military leaders to choose from, this is who he picks, a CIA stooge who will probably live the rest of his life in prison. And it's not even spelled right. Is he worried the real Noriega will sue him for damages? Actually, that would be pretty awesome.


DORASEL
Oh yeah, the battery. He and Enagyza have been feuding for years.


MC POOH
I picture a toddler with parachute pants and a fade who stops
abruptly in the middle of a totally def jam to announce that he just shat himself and needs his mommy.


BIRDMAN
The above image of the badass cartoon character he named himself after really says it all.


KIDZ IN THE HALL
Now rap groups are taking their names from sketch comedy shows? What's next: Essenell? Mista Sho? These guys also get bonus sucking points for one of the MCs being named Naledge.


DEVIN THE DUDE
Devin the Dude? That's not a rapper. That's a kid from 8th grade trig class who draws pictures of the teacher blowing a donkey and signs them all, "Devin The Dude," as if they'll be worth something someday. They won't. Devin the Douche.


GREYSKUL
Watch much He-Man growing up? This guy should be wearing a giant sombrero and singing the Frito Bandito song every night at Chi-Chi's. Speaking of, my buddy Mark told me that he went to a taqueria in Tijuana that had a midget walking around the restaurant in a giant sombrero that was filled with tortilla chips and a bowl of salsa. The little guy just went from table to table serving chips and salsa out of his hat. I thought that was the best fricken thing I'd ever heard in my life.


DREDDY KRUGER
Rappers' interaction with cinema should be limited to quoting blaxploitation, gangster and kung fu flicks. Naming yourself after a character from your favorite almost-spooky movie isn't doing a lot for your street cred.


MATLOCK
Oh, good one! The show with Andy Griffith that old people like. What, Barnaby Jonze was taken? What about Diagnosis: Murda or Jake And The Phat Man or Murda He Spoke?


MESSY MARV
Are you a rapper or a Garbage Pail Kid? And if you're really committed to the whole alliteration thing, and using the awful name Marv as an anchor, couldn't you come up with a better adjective than
messy? Maleficent? Malcontent? Meretricious?


RHYMEFEST
50-year-old white journalist trying to come up with a pithy way to describe a rap album? I wish.


YAK BALLZ
I wonder what stinks more, real yak balls or this guy's rhymes?


GNARLS BARKLEY
Cee-Lo and Danger Mouse couldn't think of anything so they just stole their name from someone's fantasy basketball team.


DEL THE FUNKEE HOMOSAPIEN
Sounds like a white guy who raps on Tuesday nights at the Holiday Inn lounge. As for
homosapien, it's hard to find a nerdier word. You do have to give him credit for being brave enough to be a rapper with the word homo in his name.


BEELOW
What does this even mean? You found your inspiration in a discount supermarket where you have to bag your own groceries?


RAPPIN' RON
Sounds like the guy who shows up on Sesame Street for the episode about music. "Well, my name is Ron and I'm here to say, there's lots o' different music in the world today..." Brought to you by the letter L, for lame.


KENN STARR
There's no way this guy's name is actually Kenn Starr. So you have to assume that he chose it solely so he could name his first album, "The Starr Report," which is possibly the dumbest gimmick of all time.


THE LOX
Mmmmmm...lox. Lox is among the most smelly cold fish dishes, so that's, um, kind of badass sort of. Except when they tour with Da Bagelzzz.


SWOLLEN MEMBERS
Apparently looking like the child molester from Little Children and the brainy dude from A Different World wasn't lame enough for these guys, and so they decided to give themselves a name that sounds like the AIM screen name of a 12-year-old from New Jersey with a bad sense of humor.


HAWD GANKSTUH RAPPUH EMSEES WID GHATS
Sometimes you can just look at a band and know they make great music. This isn't one of those times.


PAPERBOY
Yes, very intimidating. "I want my two dollars!"


8,000 WAY TIE: IRV GOTTI, YO GOTTI, BIG GOTTI, DON GOTTI, JUAN GOTTI, BAZOOKA JOE GOTTI, etc
First of all, have some originality. Second, if you're going to steal someone's name, there are tons of cooler criminals to choose from than a dude from Queens who died in jail of throat cancer.


CUNNINLYNGUISTS
"Get it? Hee, hee, hee!" The only way there could be an acceptable excuse for a name this corny would be if the group consists of junior high school students and your uncle after a few drinks.


CHALI 2NA
Representin' Chikn' of Da C.


SHORTY SHITSTAIN
"Mom, I finally met a man! Yes, well actually, he's an artist. A rapper. His name? Oh, um, did I tell you he drives a Honda? It's really nice. Oh, his name, sorry, I lost track for a second there. Hey did you see Lost last night?"

LORD TROUBLE CJ SMIRK
My rap name from MyRapName.com. What's yours?

SIR DEF TIME/ILL PUNISHER
My rap names from RapStarName.com. What's yours?


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