Friday, September 18, 2009

News Story Of The Day: Ice Caps Expose Secret Lairs

From The Onion.

Melting Ice Caps Expose Secret Arctic Lairs

September 18, 2009

ZACKENBERG RESEARCH STATION, GREENLAND — Claiming it to be one of the most dramatic and visible signs of climate change to date, researchers said Monday that receding polar ice caps have revealed nearly 200 clandestine lairs once buried deep beneath hundreds of feet of Arctic ice.

"We always assumed there would be some secret lairs here and there, but the sheer number now being exposed is indeed troubling," said noted climatologist Anders Lorenzen, who claimed that the Arctic ice caps have shrunk at the alarming rate of 41,000 square miles per year. "In August alone we discovered 44 mad scientist laboratories, three highly classified military compounds, and seven reanimated and very confused cavemen. That's more than twice the number we had found in the previous three decades combined."

"This is no longer conjecture," Lorenzen added. "This is a full-blown crisis."

According to oceanographers, the Arctic Circle has been devastated by the effects of global warming in recent years, threatening hundreds of men and women who use the frozen tundra as a place to conduct bizarre experiments in human-animal grafting, carry out massive government cover-ups, or simply as a hidden headquarters from which to battle the forces of evil and fight crime.

"Last week a giant ice sheet broke off and split my prized underground complex nearly in half," said Dr. Raygun, a self-described psychotic mastermind best known for his diabolical thought-control experiments. "Now millions of dollars in state-of-the-art doomsday devices are gone—all because of the environmental carnage wrought by the human race."

"You spend your whole career concocting a brilliant scheme to wipe out all of mankind, and what happens?" Dr. Raygun continued. "They bring about a major global catastrophe completely on their own, those fools!"

(Story continues at The Onion.)

Video Of The Day: Photograph

A Nickelback reinterpretation. I think they are making fun.

"I guess I grabbed a 14-year-old boob."


6 Rejected Versions Of Guitar Hero

From And they're wrong about The Who -- that would make a totally illin' (as the kids like to say) Guitar Hero. I'd also love to see a Jethro Tull Flute Hero.

Explosive growth in plastic jamming means that, soon, every band will have its own game. Here's hoping the economy craps out first.


"Play as Britain´s 202nd or 203rd Most Popular Band as Guitar Hero rocks out with a whopping 84 versions of Chumbawamba´s hit song ´Tubthumping´! But that´s not all—Guitar Hero: Chumbawamba also features the innovative new ´Pub´ level and the ´Pint-O-Meter´ which actually makes the song sound better the drunker you get!"


"Frustrated that Rock Band only allows you and three measly friends to rock out? Guitar Hero: Polyphonic Spree allows 15…or 23…or…who the fuck knows how many choral rockers to blur the line between band and commune. Muumuus and patchouli sold separately."


"Heads up, Juggalos: We´ve heard your mewling demands to rock out to mad, dumpy, Midwestern clowns. Now, strap on this exclusive ICP squirting guitar, comically oversized shoes, squeaky nose, and spinning bowtie! Don´t worry: we won´t laugh. Because unlike everyone else in your life, we understand that you´re actually being serious."


"You´ve rocked out to Guitar Hero: Aerosmith—why not take a stage dive further back in time? Each instrument controller is designed to break apart after every song, perfectly simulating the angry, adolescent angst to which Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey continue to cling well into their 60s."


"You, too, can experience what was like to be a part of the Original Boy Band Sensation with Guitar Hero: Menudo! NOTE: This game is for players ages 7 to 11. Puberty will result in the game´s complete and total lockdown on all consoles, activated by the game´s innovative ´Creepy Svengali´ system administrator."


"Finally, a music game for people who hate music! Prance around as a gay stereotype courtesy of the handy enclosed costumes, and earn bonus points each time you convince heterosexual men that songs like ´Y-M-C-A,´ ´Macho Man,´ and ´In the Navy´ are to be taken at face value and played at frat parties, sports events, and Naval functions."

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Garage Sale Etiquette

This very morning on the way to work I saw two old ladies stopping at an estate sale. And by stopping, I mean the driver bringing the car to a sudden and complete halt in the middle of the goddamn road while the passenger, not a day under 87, took about nine minutes to get her creaky ass out of the light blue Caddy while traffic backed up about half a mile waiting for her. People honked, of course, but why bother? Grandma can't hear that shit. And all this for what? To buy something that will just be resold at her own estate sale a few weeks from now.

From Lucy.

best of craigslist > st louis >

Garage Sale Etiquette

Date: 2009-07-20, 10:13AM CDT

Hello buyers and thank you for coming to our garage sale.

I know our newspaper ad and signs say that we open at 7 am, but if you arrive at 6, go ahead and ring the doorbell several times and peer into the windows until we answer. We'll open up early for you.

Feel free to show up with your unleashed dog, and of course, let him poop in the front yard. Our lawn-boy will clean that up later.

For your convenience, we've taken the time to mark everything with a price. But go ahead and keep asking, "How much do you want for this?"

In the mood for a cigarette? Come into the garage and light it on up. Grandpa doesn't mind if you blow the smoke right into his face. He's only on an oxygen tank. It's probably good for him anyway. And just leave the butts on the garage floor or flick them into the yard. We'll take care of those for you too. It's my mistake for not having an ashtray available.

And I know 25 cents is a fairly steep price. So let's haggle for 5 minutes about it. I don't have anything else to do today.

Also, pick up a bunch of items and then tell me what they remind you of. Be sure to tell me about every aspect of your life. Don't leave anything out. I'd love to hear all about you. And when you put the item back, just throw it in a completely different spot, upside down or just all wadded up.

Your McDonald's breakfast is going right through you, isn't it? Of course you can come in and use our bathroom. Be sure to look in the medicine cabinet for any prescription meds you might need. And there's some spray up in the window in case you drop a deuce. Hope everything comes out ok!

Wow, you want to buy all of our grandmother's antiques and at our full asking price?! Oh, but you don't have any cash with you. Well yes, you can certainly write us a check and then drive off with the merchandise! No worries. I'm sure you're an honest person. Next time, we'll try to be prepared to accept credit and debit cards.

As you leave, be sure to rev up the engine several times, blast the salsa music and then lay a scratch as you drive away. It's loud, but oh so cool. Have a great day!

Vid Of The Day: Chicken (NSFW)

This guy's on fire. Swearing on live TV, perving on his co-anchor. Awesome.

They'd just come out of a story about someone being arrested for bestiality.

25 Bizarre Bathroom Signs Of The Day


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