Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Vid Of The Day: MA Men (NSFW)

For Bev, Mala and Laurie. From Funny Or Die.


Sponsor Pimpery Of The Day: Busted Tees

Big sale at Busted on these shirts and about 70 more. Can't beat $8. Click the pic and get your shop on.




The Top 9 Songs About Masturbation

A satisfying list for my readers. Was it good for you, too?

Link from Spinderfella and TheFrisky.com.


9. "ICICLE" - TORI AMOS

“And when my hand touches myself
I can finally rest my head
And when they take from his body

I think I’ll take from mine instead

Getting off, getting off while they’re all downstairs.”


Psst, Tori... they can hear you downstairs. Your bedroom is right over the kitchen.


8. "DANCING WITH MYSELF" - BILLY IDOL

“When there’s no-one else in sight
In the crowded lonely night
Well I wait so long

For my love vibration
And I’m dancing with myself.”


Think he keeps his leather glove on when he’s doin’ it?


7. "BLISTER IN THE SUN" - VIOLENT FEMMES

“Let me go on
Like I blister in the sun

Let me go on

Big hands I know you're the one

Body and beats

I stain my sheets

I don’t even know why.”


Because you don't have any tissue on your bedside table? You're gonna get a blister in your palm if you keep pullin' your puddin' all the time.


6. "PRAYING HANDS" - DEVO

“You got your left hand
You got your right hand

The left hand’s diddling

While the right hand goes to work.”


Check out Devo. Hard to believe those handsome fellas would ever have to masturbate, isn't it?


5. "I TOUCH MYSELF" - THE DIVINYLS

“Do we even need to write the lyrics here?
You know the damn thing by now don’t you?

Don’t you?

Fine, here it is

I don’t want anybody else

And when I think about you
I touch myself

Ooh, ooh, ooh, aah.”

When I think about me, I touch myself too.


4. "TURNING JAPANESE" - THE VAPORS

“I’ve got your picture
I’ve got your picture

I’d like a million of you all round my cell
I want a doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well

You’ve got me turning up and turning down

And turning in and turning ‘round

I’m turning Japanese
I think I’m turning Japanese

I really think so."

"Turning Japanese" means squinting your eyes while rubbing one out. But when you're done, you turn back to whatever nationality you were before you started. (Whether or not the song is really about masturbation is debated. The Vapors have both confirmed and denied it at different times.)


3. "SHE BOP" - CYNDI LAUPER

“Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar
Huh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some more

Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine

They say I better stop -- or I'll go blind
Oop--she bop--she bop.”


She bop, she bop, but I wish she'd stop, she'd stop. Because I'd rather not think about gnarly Cyndi doing that.


2. "THE TOUCH OF MY HAND" - BRITNEY SPEARS

“Cause I just discovered Imagination’s taken over
Another day without a lover

The more I come to understand the touch of my hand

The small of my back

The arch of my feet

Lately I’ve been noticing the beautiful me

I’m all in my skin and I’m not gonna wait

I’m into myself in a most precious way.”

Every time Britney reaches for herself, her naughty bits scream, "Leave Britney alone!"


1. "DARLING NIKKI" - PRINCE

“I knew a girl named Nikki
I guess u could say she was a sex fiend

I met her in a hotel lobby
Masturbating with a magazine
She said how’d you like to waste some time

And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind."


I think about this song every time I see a stain on a hotel lobby sofa.

Honorable (?) Mentions:

"Pictures Of Lily" - The Who
"Pump It Up" - Elvis Costello
"My Ding-A-Ling" - Chuck Berry
"Rosie" - Jackson Browne
"Right In Time" - Lucinda Williams
"Strokin'" - Clarence Carter
"Fingers" - Pink


Video Of The Day: Domino's

Continuing a theme from yesterday, since some of you didn't like it. My sister used to complain about my bathroom humor, and you see how that turned out.

From The Onion.



Classic Movie Clip Of The Day: Too Stupid

From the Swayze classic, Road House. Yes, classic.



The 7 Least Convincing Movie High Schoolers Of The Day (And Possibly Ever)

From CollegeHumor.com.

There's a reason filmmakers rarely cast actual teenagers. Real adolescence is full of insecurity, change, stickiness, and other things no one actually wants to see on a big screen. Still, there's a fine line between comfortably post-pubescent and somebody's goddamn grandma.

Judd Nelson - The Breakfast Club



Movie Age: 17

Actual Age: 26

It's OK that Judd Nelson's classic bad boy looks a few years older than his naive peers. It's not OK that he looks like he's been drinking and smoking heavily for the past two decades. Through no fault of Judd's, the fingerless gloves and endlessly layered flannel all reek of a guy a little too old trying a little too hard.

Harland Williams - Sorority Boys



Movie Age: 25, if we're being generous

Actual Age: 40

Casting Director: "Sir, I'm sorry, we've sent offers to every comedian in Hollywood, no one wants to be in this movie."

Producer: "No one?"

Casting: "Well, the guy from Rocket Man's available, but, I mean, he's old enough to be these kids' dad."

Producer: "Fuck it, we're not making Citizen Kane here. Book him."

Richard Dreyfuss - American Graffiti



Movie Age: 18

Actual Age: 26

Thanks to a rare, Benjamin Buttons-esque condition, Richard Dreyfuss has spent the majority of his life as a fifty-five year-old man. So while it's strange to see him play high school, stranger still is that the film is a period piece, set a decade earlier in 1962 when Dreyfuss was actually finishing high school. With such quixotic casting, no wonder the only other thing on the director's resume is some silly fantasy movie.

Eric Christian Olsen - Not Another Teen Movie, The Hot Chick, Dumb and Dumberer, Fired Up



Movie Age: 17

Actual Age: 23-32

Story goes, an old gypsy witch was so infuriated by Olsen's performance in Not Another Teen Movie that she cursed him, dooming him to become that which he had mocked. (The witch was a big She's All That fan.) In any case, the irony came full circle this year, when 32-year-old Olsen played a vain high school football star in Fired Up, a non-parody version of the role that gave him his start almost a decade ago.

Stockyard Channing - Grease



Movie Age: 17

Actual Age: 33

Given the actual skills needed to be in a musical, it's understandable producers would want to cast more seasoned performers. However, not only was Channing aggressively attacking her mid-30s when the film came out, she was already on her second marriage. Singing/dancing? Yes. Remotely convincing teen angst? Not a chance.

Tom Hanks - Forrest Gump



Movie Age: 15

Actual Age: 38

If biopics like Ray and Walk The Line have taught us anything about historical figures, it's that, after puberty, they remain stuck in their early-to-mid thirties for their entire life, pausing only occasionally to don unconvincing old-age make-up. Despite his fictional status, Forrest Gump is no exception, going from young tyke to Robin William's Jack in one brace-shattering montage.

Shannon Elizabeth - American Pie



Movie Age: 18

Actual Age: 26

How outrageous is it that producers thought that, at the age of 26, Shannon Elizabeth could be remotely convincing as a Czech foreign exchange student? I mean, with her limited resume, what possible assets could she have brought to the-- ah, right.


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