From The Onion.
STUDY: 74% OF CHILDREN TENTING IN YARD DO NOT SURVIVE THE NIGHT
WASHINGTON—According to a new report released this week by the Department of Health and Human Services, 74 percent of all American children camping out in their backyards never, ever make it through the night.
The study, which surveyed hundreds of innocent children between the ages of 7 and 12, found that, in almost all cases, sleeping outdoors in a tent with a flashlight and comic books and who knows what else lurking around in the dark ended in horrible tragedy.
"We now have definitive proof that most children who camp out in their yards will die a horrific death," said Kathleen Sebelius, secretary of health and human services. "Whether it's a sudden wolf attack, an escaped mental patient, or just Old Man Greenly, who lost his hand in a gruesome mill accident and now seeks his bloody revenge, young boys and girls rarely live to see their parents or friends again."
Conducted over the course of two months, the study documented nearly 18,345 ways in which children, who never suspected a thing until it was far too late, met their grisly demise.
In 29 percent of all recorded cases, young campers were chopped up into tiny pieces by fugitive axe murderers. While a shocking 32 percent of kids, snacking on potato chips and candy bars, awakened the ghost of a little baby boy named Jeremy.
According to the study, 100 percent of all children tried to scream and yell for help, but nothing came out.
(Article continues at The Onion)
Monday, August 24, 2009
From The Onion.
Well.. this is different. But it's the Coens, so it's entertaining. Whatever it means. Says one YouTube commenter:
Chacun Son Cinema (the film that this is from) was basically a series of three-minute films of what cinema meant to these directors, which often resulted in oddities. In this case, I figure it's a simple, basic idea: cinema brings people together. This "farm trash" and this film lover are brought together...of course, there's also an obvious Brokeback Mountain situation going on here.
At the very least, you've got Josh Brolin reprising Llewelyn Moss from No Country For Old Men and the "Put The &*$%#@!^ Lotion In The Basket!" chick (Brooke Smith).
(A rerun from last summer. Look for Vol. 2 later this week)
A great idea from TigergirlM: goofy photos of people on roller coasters (and other rides). I gave some a little Photoshop help. All are better if you click for a larger view, especially the last one. There's a lot going on in that pic.
Mother Of The Year again."
2. Still drunk from last night, can't remember where he left his shoes
3. Doesn't want to die in cords
4. Stole 2's shoes last night after sodomizing him while
he was passed out
HURRY! DEADLINE FOR PICS IS WEDNESDAY A.M.! I've received almost 70 pics so far. Don't be left out.
In case you missed it last summer, we did a five-part post featuring the lovely ladies who read this blog (1, 2, 3, 4, 5), and it was a lot of fun, so let's give it another go.
I'm not automatically re-running any pics from last year, so if you were included before and want to be again, I need to know. Feel free to send me a new pic if you like, or I can reuse the old one, but you need to tell me.
If you weren't in last year's post and want to be included this time, send me a pic.
Send all pics/notes to email@example.com. Please use WOMEN OF LOTD or WOLOTD in the subject line so you don't end up in my junk mail folder.
I'll post them some time next week, so the sooner you e-mail me, the better. And don't worry about being made fun of by me or other readers. All comments will be screened for snark.
(Update) Please -- only real pics, not jokes. Yes, they're funny, but not for this post.
From CollegeHumor.com. Great list, but they forgot a few: Moob Man, Too Fat For A Bikini, Speedon't, Hangover, and 15-Going-On-25.
This gang comes just short of U-Hauling onto the beach for the day. They arrive at eleven, dragging coolers, chairs, tents and a boom box on the thrones that are their boogy boards. They are the living embodiment of a sporting goods store display window. Every member of this six-person family has brought two friends; the ideal amount for a 7-on-7 football game. Whoops, their nerf ball just hit a woman reading in a chair. This is where the Camp Family's peacekeeping mantra first rings out across the sand: "My bad." This is the motto that is embossed below the Camp Family Shield.
THE "NOT A BEACH PERSON"
"I'm just not a beach person," he shrugs, as he gets out of the car. Keeping his Reebok sneakers on, he says, "I don't like the feeling of sand." He gets to the beach and sits down, Indian-style, on the blanket, insisting that "chairs are too hard to get out of." When the rest of the group decides to go swimming, he remains; "salt water hurts my eyes." He should at least take off his Walk for Diabetes' T-Shirt shirt so he can get some color. Nope. He doesn't want to get burned. Does he want to read a book? No, the sand interferes with the integrity of the binding. Does he want to buy a snack from the vender? No, he doubts the cleanliness of the cart. Does he want to just go home? No, he wants to keep complaining.
Point blank: hair plus water doesn't equal anything good. You know these guys (and some ladies), the helpless hairy bastards. They spend all winter growing these full-body coats, all spring contemplating the hair removal section of their local drugstore, and all summer trying to comb sand out of their tangled bodyhair. This hair doesn't just stay in the regular places either. This is top-of-the-shoulder, over-the-knuckles, above-the-ass-crack, back-of-the-thighs stuff. It's hopeless. You would feel bad for them if you weren't so busy trying not to puke.
See the rest at CollegeHumor.com.