My child must never see this.
From Andy O. and CollegeHumor.com.
Monday, August 17, 2009
If you believe in this sort of thing, that is. My older sister once told my grandmother that she didn't believe in Hell. Grandma's reply: "You'll believe it when the flames are lickin' at your feet!"
By Eric Alt for Maxim.com
No matter what name he chooses to go by—Lucifer, Beelzebub, Ol' Scratch—the Dark Lord Satan is an unmistakable presence whenever and wherever he chooses to appear. Luckily for us, he likes to pop in movies a lot, which gives us a chance to celebrate our favorite horned tempters and lie-spreaders.
So locate your "666" birthmark, memorize your key John Milton passages, and prank call Max Von Sydow because here are our top 10 movie Satans.
10. George Burns (Oh God, You Devil)
Satan has a million tricks for worming his way into the hearts of unsuspecting humans, but showing up as a loveable old coot may be his most effective. Plus, the casting of Burns is brilliant because he was one of the few people who was actually around to see Lucifer get cast out of Heaven.
9. Al Pacino (The Devil's Advocate)
If Satan did come to Earth in human form, of course he'd be a lawyer. But Pacino? We think Satan would be a little more subtle than that. The guy who ends every sentence with a shout and looks like he sunbathes inches from the Earth's molten core? Dead giveaway.
8. Jack Nicholson (The Witches of Eastwick)
This is clearly a case of Hollywood being proactive and just going directly to the source: "Satan, bubie, we're putting you in a movie, who do see in the lead?" "Nicholson, obvs." "Done. You're beautiful. Don't go changing. Ciao."
7. Rodney Dangerfield (Little Nicky)
He may be the deposed lord of the underworld, but he fits Satan's horns better than his way-too-level headed son. Besides, how can you not celebrate the patriarch of a bloodline that includes Harvey Keitel, Tiny Lister, Rhys Ifans, and Adam Sandler?
6. Robert DeNiro (Angel Heart)
You see, his name is Louis Cyphre. Lou…Cyphre. Geddit? Mickey Rourke's private dick Harry Angel might have caught on earlier had he not been busy ogling Lisa Bonet, doing speedballs, and running face first into things—an exercise regime that would result in him looking like reheated meat loaf years later in The Wrestler.
5. Tim Curry (Legend)
OK, he's technically known as "The Darkness" (not to be confused with the band. Or Charlie Murphy) but check that bad boy out. The red skin, the giant horns, the cloven feet and, of course, the unmistakable pipes of the man who belted out the all-time classic, "Anything Can Happen on Halloween."
4. Liz Hurley (Bedazzled)
Creepy guys with goatees and long fingernails? Effete Brits with glowing eyes? Nah. We're 100% confident that Satan would take the form of a smoking hot Liz Hurley in a cheerleader outfit. We'd sign away anything in the blood of our children if it she was the one doing the asking.
3. John Ritter (Wholly Moses!)
We know he's gotten a bad rep over the years, but maybe Satan isn't such a bad dude. Maybe he just wanted to spend his days quietly inventing trees and wearing skintight spandex, not bothering anyone. But one faux pas in front of the boss man and suddenly you're banished. Typical.
2. Rosalinda Celentano (The Passion of the Christ)
Hands down the most unsettling Satan on the list. Not only deathly pale and disconcertingly androgynous, this Satan has apparently given birth to a shaved Truman Capote Gremlin. If that doesn't send a shiver down your spine, nothing will.
1. Trey Parker (South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut)
People are quick to declare that evildoers like Hitler or Saddam Hussein are going to hell in a handbasket, but has anyone considered what happens once they get there? Maybe they fall into dysfunctional relationships with an emotionally vulnerable God of Lies? He just wants to be loved…
Viggo Mortensen (The Prophecy)
Max Von Sydow (Needful Things)
Gabriel Byrne (End Of Days)
Walter Brennan (The Devil And Daniel Webster)
Peter Stormare (Constantine)
Here are 12; check the article at Reader's Digest online for all 31. The copy is theirs but I touched it up a bit.
Your mom probably never told you this, but it's true: Sex is good for you! (Nope, Mom forgot to mention it.) Plenty of studies show it: Regular sex increases immunity from viruses, relieves stress, and even helps protect the health of a man's prostate gland by emptying fluids held there (ew). It also triggers the release of chemicals that improve mood and ease pain.
1. Have sex tonight! Having intercourse regularly helps to keep your sex drive in high gear by increasing the production of testosterone, which is the hormone mainly responsible for libido in men and (mustaches on) women.
4. Spend tonight planning a steamy vacation. Even if you don't go, spending time together looking at
porn photos on the Web and imagining yourself in some tropical paradise (where women sunbathe naked) will be enough of a libido booster to get you to bed -- early.
5. Women: Practice Kegel exercises. They're the (fart-suppressing) squeezing exercises your doctor told you to do after pregnancy or because you were having a bit of a problem with leaking urine. What (your crappy HMO) Doc probably didn't tell you is that they're also great for strengthening the pubococcygeus muscle, essential for orgasm.
6. Men: Start taking supplements of ginkgo biloba every day. The herb promotes better blood flow, getting more blood to the brain and...other organs. (Such as the PENIS. I don't know why they're afraid to say PENIS. I bet saying VAGINA would make their heads explode.)
11. When you're at a party or out in public with your partner, take a moment to stare at him/her across the room as if
to say, this party blows, can we get the fuck out of here? you were still wooing one another. Sex falls out of a relationship when you take one another's presence for granted. So don't!
14. Open your eyes when you kiss and when you are, um, intimate (i.e. HAVING SEX). Looking into your partner's eyes during such times sends an incredible message of trust and honesty.
15. Say exactly what's on your mind -- sexually, that is. If you're watching your husband (")pull out the tree stump(") in the backyard and you get a certain weakness in your legs watching the sweat roll off (the zits on) his back, tell him. Simply expressing how everyday things make you feel deepens your intimacy when said out loud.
17. Create your own intimate rituals. No, we're not talking about sex. But what about waking him up with a steaming cup of coffee (poured on his head) instead of the alarm every morning? What about having a hot (urine) bath ready for her in the evening? Or massaging her feet while you watch a DVD with a big bowl of popcorn (that you eat with the same hands you massaged her feet with?).
20. Go away for a couple of days -- by yourself. While you're away, make a list of all the things you love about
being away from your partner. Close your eyes and picture yourself making love (to a celebrity). By the time you get home, you'll be so greedy for anyone each other that the front hall will look like a king-size mattress.
23. Spend an hour with your partner touching every part of his/her body -- but you can't use your hands. Use other parts of your body (such as THE PENIS) instead. Conversely, caress one another only with your hands touching every part of the body except the genital zones. This can remove any pressure you might feel to "get right to it" (i.e. last longer than 17 seconds) after a hectic day on the job.
25. Stop at one (or two) drinks at the most. A small amount of alcohol can set the mood; more can drown the flame of desire, or lessen your ability to see your desire through (a.k.a. "WHISKEY DICK").
29. Tell your partner two things you love about him/her every day (or one, if you can't think of two, and lie if you must). Love, affection, and mutual respect are the bases for a steamy sex life.
From The Smoking Gun and TonyRo, who gave up the Furry lifestyle for good after hearing about this.
Cops: Colorado woman, 45, had sex with underage fellow "Furry"
JULY 2 -- A Colorado woman allegedly had a sexual relationship with a teenage boy with whom she was part of "a social group known as 'Furries' who dress up like animals," police charge.
Richael Michels, 45, began the illicit relationship with the boy after her daughter broke up with him earlier this year. Michels's husband told investigators that his wife got the teenager involved in the "furrie lifestyle."
A witness told police that he met Michels and the boy at a Furries gathering in March and subsequently saw the pair engaged in sexual contact.
The witness, who said Michels confided in him details of her sexual relationship with the boy, once sent Michels a text message chastising her about the encounters: "...it's because you've been having sex with him that we can't have that going on at the furmeet."
When confronted last week by Fort Collins cops, Michels denied having sexual intercourse with the teenager, but acknowledged once giving him a "hand job" while "intimately kissing" the boy.
The teenager told police that he had frequently had sex with Michels in her car "in and around Fort Collins."
Michels, who is facing seven felony counts, is being held in the Larimer County jail in lieu of $35,000 bail.