This one never gets old.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A slimmed-down version of this article from Maxim.com
ROYAL FATTIE (Temple of Doom)
You know how your buddy is quick to down four fistfuls of atomic hot wings just to prove how tough he is? This pudgy bastard labors under the delusion that nothing turns visiting showgirls on more than proving your live-eel-downing ability. Hours later, this guy's toilet resembled the neglected fish tanks in the back of your local PETCO.
JANITOR OF SECRETS (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
We all know that the government has lots of cool stuff locked away from the public's eyes, but we didn't realize that all that was standing between us and the secrets of the universe was Morty in Office Services.
PRIVATE EAGER (Last Crusade)
Once Indy and the gang catch up to the Nazis in the Grail temple, they watch as a terrified grunt steps gingerly into the gaping maw of a booby-trap-riddled cave. Why is this guy hyperventilating? Because he's the second dude they picked to go in. The first guy is right there on the floor. Next to his own head.
THE RAVEN'S BOUNCER (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
When your boss spends every night drinking yak herders under the table, it's up to you to make sure the bar is wiped down, the glasses are washed, and the locals are shoved out the door into the snowbank. Too bad this guy's sole source of income and self-respect gets burned down by his lush boss' idiot boyfriend.
MRS. SALLAH (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
The life of an Egyptian ditch digger's a rough one, but the life of an Egyptian ditch digger's wife ain't no picnic, either. Caring for a family of 200 is a full-time gig, and the strain really shows. Case in point: Mrs. Sallah is only 26 years old.
EXTEND-A-NECK (Temple of Doom)
We have no idea what Mola Ram was doing with all those little kids, but we suspect that using rocks to dig for rocks wasn't the only activity going on. Apparently, they were experimenting with neck-lengthening techniques in the hopes of breeding children who could see into high crevices while also looking like Shelley Duvall.
THE ASS-KISSER (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
Imagine you beat out 1,000 repressed and horny coeds looking to complete their MRS degrees and got to be one of the lone males in Dr. Jones' archeology class. Now imagine you're on the verge of failing, thanks to your ill-advised midterm paper "Why I Admire Hitler's Artifact Collection." What else can you do but pucker up and kiss a little ass?
FLUSTERED FRAU (Last Crusade)
Germans are notoriously unflappable, so it takes something big to faze them. Like, say, impeding their progress on the Russian front or, more directly, chucking a guy out of a zeppelin window. After seeing that, she couldn't whip out her ticket fast enough.
DAN AYKROYD (Temple of Doom)
Who better to facilitate Indy's escape from Shanghai than a man who once drove 106 miles to Chicago with a full tank of gas and half a pack of cigarettes? This uncredited cameo led many to believe that Steven Spielberg was planting the seeds for a spin-off movie. And by "many," we mean Dan Aykroyd.
HOOD ORNAMENT (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
Wouldn't you look shocked too if one minute you're busy building a wicker bathhouse and the next you're on the hood of a Nazi truck driven by two dudes punching each other?
MR. TEEFIES (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
One of the more tragic backstories in the Indiana Jones mythos, this chap was two paychecks away from paying for his porcelain fronts when his boss sent him to pick up some dry cleaning and kill some tourists. Then BAM! Some crazy broad knocks out his Chiclets with a frying pan.
HORNY SCHOOLGIRL (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
In the 1930s, text messaging your college professor for sex was still in its infancy. So intrepid sorority babes had to get creative. Luckily for the flushed Indy, the school bell rings, saving him from potentially blurting out something like, "Legend told of a golden coffin buried between her legs — I mean…um…in the temple…err…"