Wednesday, July 22, 2009
From BigStupidIdiot.com (a Comedy.com website).
5. CURSE OF THE QUEERWOLF
Beware the bite of the Queerwolf, or at night you'll become a homosexual terror. Don't fear being covered with hair, but the transvestite transformation is horrific.
4. JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER
There is still debate to whether Jesus was a zombie after rising from the dead. If that's true, Zombies > Vampires.
3. REDNECK ZOMBIES
A barrel of radioactive waste is lost out in the woods. Some demented rednecks find it and use it as part of their still. Everybody who drinks from the liquor they produced turns into a zombie. You haven't seen a zombie until you've seen one inbred.
2. THE KILLER CONDOMS
Germans know horror comedy. Safe sex will be neither safe nor sex again.
(See the #1 worst horror movie trailer here at BigStupidIdiot.com)
More from Comedy.com:
Andrew W.K. Makes Faces On Fox News
Buzz Aldrin's Sexy Astronaut Rap f/ Snoop Dogg
Live & Learn: Don't Bring A Wolf To The BBQ!
From EW.com. But first, a warning: this will have spoilers for anyone who hasn't finished watching last season of "Lost."
Now, my thoughts on this list:
14: I'll be surprised if they ever fully explain this. I hope they do.
13: Don't really care. We know enough.
10: They hinted strongly at the answer to this near the end of last season, no?
7: Who cares? Didn't we see Cindy last season? She's an Other now.
4. When Locke saw Walt last season, I got the impression that it was the end of Walt's story. Did you?
1. This is number one? I'd like to know, sure, but number one? This will be answered if and when they answer number six.
Keep in mind, however, that my "Lost" hunches are wrong about 95% of the time.
Now, the list...
From EW.com: "At the end of season 5, Doc Jensen asked you to send in the ''Top 3 Lost Mysteries You Absolutely Need to See Resolved in Season 6.'' Here, the wish list of questions whose answers would satisfy just about every Lost-ie."
15: WHAT ARE THE WHISPERS?
We kick off with that creepy murmur that usually precedes the appearance of The Others. Why the ethereal gossiping? How do they do it? Maybe season 6 will tell us the answer — in a loud, clear voice.
14: WHAT'S LIBBY'S BACKSTORY?
When this Tailie was killed by Michael at the end of season 2, she left behind several unanswered questions. Why did she end up in Hurley's mental institution? Was it merely coincidence that she was the one who gave Desmond his sailboat? As much as fans want resolution, alas, the producers have said that actress Cynthia Watros is unlikely to return to the show.
13: WHAT'S THE COMPLETE DHARMA BACKSTORY?
We still haven't met the majordomos who ran the secretive utopian science enclave from afar in Ann Arbor, Michigan. And where in the world is its mysterious Danish financial backer, Alvar Hanso? And why did Pierre Chang use alternative names in the Dharma orientation films? And another thing...
12: WHERE DID THE OTHERS COME FROM?
They speak Latin, hang out in Egyptian temples, like to dress up in the clothes of the Island visitors...that they kidnap and kill! They have been called The Island's ''indigenous'' people but who are they really?
11: DO ALL THE CASTAWAYS HAVE A SECRET CONNECTION?
The first season suggested that the castaways — complete strangers to each other prior to Oceanic 815's crash — are at the very least linked by common acquaintances or experiences. But do they share a more cosmic connection? Perhaps: the season 5 finale revealed that many of them had previously met — and were conspicuously touched by — Jacob. More on him in a minute.
10: WHO ARE ADAM & EVE?
Early in season 1, Jack found a pair of male and female skeletons, dubbed ''Adam and Eve,'' near a spring of water. Fans immediately wondered if they belong to characters we know, and indeed, the producers have said that the bones are connected to season 5's time-travel story line. So: Who are they?
9. WHAT'S THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE NUMBERS?
4 8 15 16 23 42. Together, they add up to 108, another recurring digit in Lost. Hurley played them to win the lottery, and the Dharma dudes used them as computer code. An explanation for The Numbers was provided via ''The Lost Experience,'' a 2006 online ARG (just Google the words ''Valenzetti Equation''), but that explanation has never been referenced on the show itself.
8: WHY ARE THERE EGYPTIAN RUINS ON THE ISLAND?
At least, we presume they are Egyptian ruins. The hieroglyphics on the Temple are Egyptian, while the Four Toed Statue was recently revealed to be that of the Egyptian deity Taweret, linked to fertility, death, and evil.
7. WHERE ARE STEWARDESS CINDY AND THE KIDS?
Little Zack and his sister Emma were among The Tailies and were abducted by the Others shortly after the crash of Oceanic 815. Stewardess Cindy was taken a couple weeks later. In the third season, we learned they are living happily among the Others. But why did the Others want them in the first place?
6. WHAT IS THE ISLAND, ANYWAY?
When fans ask this question, what they usually want is an explanation for the Island's seemingly supernatural properties. Why is there an anomaly surrounding it that kills people or zaps them back in time? How did it heal Locke's legs? How can it be home to ghosts? While there may be answers for some of these specific concerns, the producers have already warned fans that resolving the meta-question ''What is the Island?'' may be impossible.
5: WHAT HAPPENED TO CLAIRE?
Aaron's Aussie mommy survived a rocket attack on her cabin — or did she? She seemed fine, but soon after, she disappeared into the jungle with her father, Christian Shephard (also Jack's dad), who may or may not be a ghost. She's been MIA ever since.
4: WHAT'S UP WITH WALT?
Our top four ''Lost Must-Answer Mysteries'' were the only ones to receive more than 5% of the total vote — an indication, I think, that one fan's mystery is another fan's ''Who cares?'' Anyway, Walt. Maybe psychic. Seemingly capable of astral projection. Ben told Michael that his son proved to be ''more than we bargained for'' after they took him from the raft. What did that mean?
3: WHAT IS THE MONSTER?
Look at that picture. Need we say more?
2: WHO IS JACOB?
This was Top-10 material even before the season 5 finale, when Jacob was still a phantom. But after ''The Incident,'' when it was revealed that Jacob (Mark Pellegrino) was a youthful looking fortysomething, partial to fish, free will, and Flannery O'Connor, he rocketed up the charts. But he still came nowhere close to Number 1....
1: WHY DOESN'T RICHARD ALPERT AGE?
This result (10.8% of the vote) surprised me: I thought for sure the Monster, the Island, or the Numbers would be up here. The phrasing of the mystery is pretty much exactly how everyone articulated it. Still, I interpret the question to mean that we want answers for the whole Alpert enigma. What's his role on the Island? How did he meet Jacob? And more importantly: Eyeliner or what?
Someone taught them this shit. That's child abuse right there.
This first one's from Lola. Sweet Jesus, this ain't right. Cute? No. Freaky as fuck? Yes. Dr. Cary recommends some ECT, stat. Three shocks @ 25 volts for 15 seconds each. Warm up the paddles.
The next one's from Jackieyo. Can I even tell you how much I loathe this song? No, I don't think I can. Words don't suffice. If I ever hear it in a store, I swear to god I'm coming back with an automatic rifle. And Duffman here could use some shock treatment as well, but he's bigger, so let's go with five blasts @ 40 volts each for 20 seconds. Hell, I might need a charge or two myself to get "Sussudio" out of my brain.
From Berit and HolyTaco.com
1. Trying to impress people with your DJ skillz
2. Asking stupid questions that delay the end of class
3. Jerking off while your roommate is trying to sleep
4. Expecting a blowjob because you threw a party in your dorm room
5. Trying to impress girls with fisting jokes
6. Two karate courses do not make you Bruce Lee
7. Dancing like the whitest man on the planet
8. Hiding the last beer
9. Joining the diving team
10. Lying about the size of your penis
11. Bragging that you are the lord of the dance
12. Thinking "raise the roof" is still cool
13. Constantly showing everyone that you could totally pass a sobriety test
14. Showing up to a party empty-handed
15. You are surrounded by a visible stench cloud because you have not done laundry in six weeks
16. Standing at the door and asking everyone for keg money