From the gang of idiots at Comedy.com.
10. LADY GAGA
Gaga actually makes more sense backwards.
8. WHOEVER THE F THIS IS
What goes good with Cheese Whiz... in HELL?
7. SOULJA BOY
We knew Soulja Boy wrote really wack lyrics, but who knew he was on his emo walk with Satan?
3. THE JONE-ASS BROTHERS
Wait, what happens when they put on their magical underwear backwards?
Little Nicky is the most underappreciated movie of Adam Sandler's career, and this is our favorite scene.
See the rest here at FunkJelly.com.
More goodies from Comedy.com:
Motivational Posters Featuring Zach Galifianakis
Star Wars Reimagined By 472 Random Internet Users
Funniest Virginity Pledge Of All Times
Young Stephen Hawking Is A Dreamy Indie Darling
Thursday, July 16, 2009
From the gang of idiots at Comedy.com.
Yeah yeah, this is ancient, I know, and one of the first things I remember seeing on the innernetses. But I'm posting it anyway because it's still funny and maybe, just maybe, someone out there hasn't seen it yet. And also because it comes from Rhonda, for whom I would do anything (but I won't do that). And, of course, because it's about the bathroom. I mean, I almost have to post it, ya know?
HOW TO POOP AT WORK: A GUIDE
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Allow me to add a couple:
That one guy/gal in every office who absolutely annihilates the bathroom when they drop a deuce. Their nose-hair-curling stench is a hundred times worse than anyone else's, and leaves you wanting to ask them one question: What the fucking hell are you eating?
Someone in the bathroom who insists on chatting you up while you're trying to offload some cargo. This might fly in the ladies' room, but in the mens' room, it's a faux pas of the worst kind, right up there with not keeping your eyes glued to wall above the urinal at all times when peeing. Because guys only sit for one reason, and you can shut the fuck up now because I'm trying to concentrate, jackass. Thank you.