Monday, May 18, 2009

Ultra-Condensed Movies Of The Day

Movies stripped bare. From Movie-A-Minute.

GOOD WILL HUNTING

Matt Damon: I'm smart, but so what? Let's start fights and pick up chicks.

Robin Williams: If you push people away, they can't be close to you.

Matt Damon: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP you fixed me thank you I love you. (cries)

THE END



THE SIXTH SENSE

Haley Joel Osment: I see dead people.

Bruce Willis: Try talking to them.

Haley Joel Osment: It worked.

THE END


RETURN OF THE JEDI

Darth Vader: Luke, come to the dark side.

Luke: No.

Darth Vader: Your goodness has redeemed me. Die, emperor scum.

THE END


IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE

James Stewart: I'm useless.

Henry Travers: Don't say that. The happiness of the entire universe depends on your existence.

James Stewart: Hooray!

THE END


BATMAN AND ROBIN

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ice to meet you.

Producers: We may have created the worst movie in history.

THE END



CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND

(Airplanes are found in the desert.)

Researchers: Wow!

(UFOs appear over Richard Dreyfuss' house.)

Richard Dreyfuss: Wow!

(UFOs appear over Devil's Tower.)

All: Wow!

THE END


ERIN BROCKOVICH

Julia Roberts: I'm a jerk, but I'm brilliant. Give me a job, you fountain of scummy pain evil.

Albert Finney: Ok.

Julia Roberts: This company is poisoning water. Let's fry their ugly hides in extract of hell.

(They DO, and it is HEARTWARMING.)

THE END


THE FUGITIVE

(A train WRECKS, and it is COOL.)

Tommy Lee Jones: We must find the fugitive. Check every type of house.

(Tommy Lee Jones chases Harrison Ford but finds out he is innocent.)

Harrison Ford: I'm glad I don't have to run away anymore.

THE END


THE POSTMAN

Kevin Costner: Though I am a simple victim of circumstance, a pretender, I am also a metaphor for the rebirth of the collective American unconscious, quickened again from its own ashes.

Townsfolk: That's nice. Deliver these letters, please.

THE END


GREASE

John Travolta: I like you, but you're not cool enough.

Olivia Newton-John: What if I dress like a slut?

John Travolta: Now that you're not who you are, I can love you for who I wanted you to be.

THE END


THE HORSE WHISPERER

Kristin Scott Thomas: I'm obsessive-compulsive, my daughter broke her leg, and I don't love my husband. Robert Redford, you can save us all if only you'll fix our horse.

Robert Redford: Ok, but you're annoying.

(Robert Redford STARES at the horse, thereby making it ALL BETTER.)

Kristin Scott Thomas: I love you.

THE END


GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS

All: Expletive. The leads, the leads. These are expletive leads. Expletive expletive expletive. It's all about the expletive leads.

THE END


THE FILMS OF DAVID LYNCH

Some Woman: I do enjoy my nice, idyllic lifestyle, but I hope that underneath my seemingly perfect suburban world there is corruption and evil.

(SOME WOMAN discovers her OWN CORPSE and is ARRESTED.)

Midget: Someday that gum you like is going to come back in style.

Hit Man (laughs cryptically)

(An EYE is slit open with a RAZOR BLADE. We learn that SOMEBODY was really SOME WOMAN all along, and they were on the MOON.)

THE END


PRETTY WOMAN

Julia Roberts: I'm a hooker, but I don't kiss on the lips.

Richard Gere: I have a lot of money.

Julia Roberts: (smooch)

THE END


Vid Of The Day: Reckless and Keyboard Cat (NSFW)

Don't try to apply logic to this. Just roll with it.

From Wendy In RI, who hates signs, too.


SNL Vid Of The Day: Celebrity Jeopardy (new)

Suck it, Trebek.


Better Breath Tips Of The Day

Last Saturday morning, I was half-awake when I suddenly felt breathing on my face. I opened my eyes and saw my child's giant face about a half inch from mine. She was smiling.

"Hi, Daddy," she said. Obviously, she'd come up in the night -- again -- and gotten in bed with me and the Mrs.

"Hi, baby."

Her smile dropped. Her eyes bulged. Her brow furrowed. She grabbed her nose with one hand, her throat with the other, and said, "Bye, Daddy," as she fell back on the pillow, eyes closed and lifeless, as if she were dead.

"What?," I said. "You don't like my delicious morning breath?"

"NO."

So then of course I had to pin her down and give her lots of icky kisses.

Anyhoo... here are two lists from WebMD. Who says you can't learn anything on LOTD?




5 COMMON CAUSES OF BAD BREATH

1. Blame bacteria for bad breath. Bacteria breed inside your mouth. These micro organisms lurk between your teeth and cover your tongue. When bacteria stagnate, they multiply and give off toxins and stinky odors.

2. Say "Ahhh." The deep holes in your tonsils, called crypts, are a common cause of halitosis. If your tonsils are too wide and pitted, a cheese-like smelly substance collects in these holes. These nuggets sometimes smell, and may cause bad breath.

3. Pungent foods and bad breath. Foods such as onion, garlic, and fish can cause bad breath -- even hours after you brush your teeth.

4. Bad habits = bad breath. Any type of smoking (cigarettes, cigars, pipe) or chewing tobacco can leave you with a really nasty taste -- and smell -- in your mouth.

5. Tummy troubles. Sometimes GI problems such as GERD or an ulcer can cause bad breath when you burp and gas is released. Also blame low-carb diets, which cause ketosis, a fat-burning state in the body that produces dragon breath.

10 TIPS TO BANISH BAD BREATH

Now for the fix, here are some simple tips from oral health experts on how to have breath that’s "kissing fresh":

1. Brush your teeth -- and tongue -- twice a day. While you’re brushing your teeth with a fluoride toothpaste, brush your tongue – especially the back of the tongue, to remove smelly bacteria that cause bad breath.

2. Floss once a day for fresh breath. Flossing is must-do. Flossing gets out hidden food particles and removes plaque, a coating of bacteria that forms around the tooth. Flossing also helps prevent periodontal disease -- another common cause of bad breath.

3. Gargle with peroxide to fight halitosis. An antimicrobial mouthwash is important if you have a problem with excess plaque. You can also gargle with peroxide for fresher breath -- just swig, swish, and spit. The oxygen in the hydrogen peroxide kills mouth bacteria that cause bad breath.

4. Use a fluoride mouth rinse for sweeter breath. Not only do decayed teeth hurt, they have an awful odor. Tooth decay can be prevented with fluoride toothpaste and proper dental care.

5. Drink more water. Lack of fluids can lead to dry mouth and cause bad breath. So can mouth breathing and medications like antihistamines.

6. Reduce upset stomachs to ease bad breath. Over-the-counter antacids may ease a sour or acidic stomach, which can cause halitosis when you burp. If you are milk intolerant and have GI problems, try lactase tablets.

7. Check your sinuses; infections cause bad breath. Bad breath is often a clue to an underlying sinus infection. "The purulent post-nasal drip is the culprit," says William Sears, MD, also known as "America's Pediatrician," an associate clinical professor of Pediatrics at the University of California, Irvine, School of Medicine. Post-nasal drip is most noticeable after sleeping at night, which is why many people rush to brush their teeth first thing in the morning.

8. Eat yogurt for sweeter breath. Yogurt replenishes the good bacteria in the gut and promotes a healthier mouth. Celery and parsley also help remove smelly bacteria in your mouth.

9. Chew gum with xylitol to banish bad breath. Chewing gum makes you salivate if your mouth is dry and causing bad breath. Saliva is what washes away the bacteria in your mouth.

10. See your dentist. At least every six months, see your dentist for teeth cleaning and an oral exam. Your dentist can check your mouth and teeth for open cavities and gum disease that cause bad breath.

Now go brush and floss your teeth, because I can smell your nasty-ass breath from here.


Oops Video Of The Day (NSFW)

Oops.



Probably fake/viral but whatfuckingever.


Pregnancy Tips Of The Day

From the book, Safe Baby Pregnancy Tips (link at bottom of post). "Getting To The Hospital" is my favorite.
































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