I believe her.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
From LOTD reader Todd and Cracked.com. My favorite is the Snot Sucker.
Raising a baby is a tough gig. "Experts" declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It's no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are 20 products perfect for developing little tykes ... into adults who want to murder their parents.
ZAKY INFANT PILLOW
The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers.
They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be, "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"
This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive.
Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car!
SWIMMING NECK RING
This product, previously named My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer, appears to be primarily designed to protect the baby's head in the event of shark attack.
O’PAIR BABY LEASH
This is a great way to teach your children "I trust you exactly none." Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.
Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That's a mistake you'll only make once.
Helmet jokes are too easy and, frankly, a little unfair. Babies learn to walk with a drunken stagger that invariably gravitates towards peril in all directions. A little protection is sensible enough while they are too young to be scarred by it (babies don't develop the shame gland until 18 months).
Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play.
Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword."
HAMBURGER BABY COSTUME
Technically speaking, wouldn't this be a veal costume?
MANUAL SNOT SUCKER
Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw.
When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far.
HER FIRST HEELS
Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three!
Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any swing in sexuality associated with putting these on your son.
From the instant any man dons this apparatus he can count on deeper bonding with his child, getting paid 25% less to do the same job as other men, and being grossly objectified for his sweet, sweet ass. On the flipside, he'll probably never have to buy his own drinks again.
Not only is this unspeakably cute, it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke.
This will help educate your baby on the soul-crushing bleakness that this world will rain upon them through the whole of their painful, pathetic lives. It's a small price to pay to have your baby wook wike a widdle bunny-wabbit! Awwwww!
For the rest, see the full list at Cracked.com
I'm not sure how widely known they were beyond the Southeast, but The Producers were big around these parts in the late 80s. When I was in college, I saw them play live in a big open field outside of Athens. There were beer trucks everywhere and it was a huge party, so I don't remember much about the show other than rolling around in the tall grass, making out with a nice young lady, and waking up the next morning on my dorm room floor with dirt and grass in my hair, ears and pants, wearing sneakers that weren't mine. Good times.
I couldn't find a vid for their only real hit, "What She Does To Me," but these were mildly popular on MTV for a while.
I feel a great disturbance in the Force.
Many thanks to Kate and Mike D. for the links.
I guess Chewie wore contacts in the movies.
M.C. Vader. "Stop! Vader time..."
We will crush the Rebellion. As soon as I finish my beverage. Want some? I can't drink all this.
You really need to be taller than 5'3" to pull off Darth Vader
That's no moon. It's a nerd!
No one will ever know that you just added a sash to a gorilla costume.
Darth tropical wear, by Tommy Bahama. Keeps you cool and confident with soft, breathable cotton and smooth, luxurious silk. Exclusively at Macy's.
"What'd you do? You look fabulous!"
"Oh, just a little cut and color."
"I hope it doesn't rain," thought the cardboard Stormtrooper.
Suck in your gut, not your head.
I find your lack of a ladies' room disturbing.
Where to start....
Weekend Darth (or Darth Humungus)
Literal Larry thought he had to use masking tape to make a mask. Next up: a duck.
"What?! Star Wars?" said the Tribble. "Shit."
C-3PNo. Loved you in that Dire Straits video, though.
AT-AT, mingle mode
(Pics from HolyTaco.com, Capnwacky.com and Flickr.)
From The Smoking Gun, an official list of skin mags banned by the U.S. military for sale on any base. Somewhere down at Parris Island, there's a poor Marine wondering why the F he hasn't received this month's issue of Skinny & Wriggly.
Click each pic for a readable view. I've circled my favorite titles.
Not even a cameo for Shatner? Good.