Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Onion News Story Of The Day:

From Liza K. and The Onion.

Lost Cat, Dog On Journey Die Immediately

April 28, 2009 | Issue 45•18

JACKSON, WY — After their owners inadvertently left them behind in Yellowstone National Park, Louie, a 4-year-old golden retriever, and Nipsy, a 3-year-old longhair cat, were killed within minutes of beginning their heartwarming journey home, sources reported Monday.

"It looks like right after leaving the campsite they fell off a cliff and died upon impact with the highway below," park ranger Ken Hinkley said after discovering their barely recognizable bodies, which had been partially eaten by a cougar that the pair likely would have outsmarted with adorably clever teamwork had they survived.

"After that, it appears their carcasses were run over by a tractor-trailer, probably operated by a gruff but kindhearted truck driver who no doubt would have given them a lift. Poor little guys. Had to toss 'em in a ditch."

Louie and Nipsy's family reportedly gave up hope immediately, and have already purchased a new kitten and puppy whom they love very much.

Photoshop Disasters Of The Day

These kill me. Some are obvious, others take a minute.

Good stuff from Photoshop Disasters. Hundreds more at the site.

Nice jacket, chimp man

Give her a (giant) hand. She just bowled another perfect game.

Tattoine's best cocktail bar

Oops, I crapped my pants. With milk.

Artelac -- when you have limbs to re-grow

Michael McKean always hides his pet midget when having his photo made

Fill 'er up!

In a former life, Penelope Cruz was an ostrich

Drink this big-ass beer!

I don't speak much French, but I assume this is a product for lighting farts

Maybe she's double-jointed

That's just fuckin' creepy

Real American Of The Day: Hulk Hogan (video)

Hulk Hogan, fighting for our rights. Uh huh. What an ass-lapper.

From TheMovieGuru.

"Caption This" Pic Of The Day

Whatcha got?

Pic from TonyRo.

Musical Of The Day: Put The F*cking Lotion In The Basket (NSFW)

Comedy gold from Sue, who's a girl, not a boy.

NSFW - language.

Euphemisms For Crazy/Stupid Of The Day

A great idea from Toledo, who writes, " How 'bout a list of phrases to describe someone who is not quite all there?"

We start with Toledo's own collection:

One taco short of a fiesta platter (or combination plate).
A few screws short of a hardware store.

A few cards short of a deck.

Two fries short of a Happy Meal.
One twist short of a slinky.

A few threads short of a sweater.

One sandwich short of a picnic.

A few bricks short of a full load.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few Fruit Loops shy of a full bowl.

A few shades beyond blonde.

A few watts short of a light bulb.

A few Bradys short of a bunch.

A few pecans short of a fruitcake.

A few gunmen short of a posse.
A few bits short of a byte.

A few marshmallows short of a bowl of Lucky Charms.

One accordion short of a polka band.

A few kernels short of a cob.

I found more on L'Internetz:

A beer short of a six pack.
A brick short of a load.

A couple of eggs shy of a dozen.

A couple of gallons short of a full tank.

A few ants short of a picnic.

A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few bricks short of a pile.

A few bricks short of a wall.

A few cards short of a deck.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

A few of sheep short of an orgy.
A few peas short of a casserole.

A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce.
A few trucks short of a convoy.

A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner.

A pepperoni short of a pizza.

A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
About as bright as a burnt-out 20 watt light bulb.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

An intellect rivalled only by garden tools.

As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory.
As much use as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.

As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

As quick as a tortoise on Prozac.

As smart as bait.

As useful as a screen door on a submarine.
As useful as a wooden frying pan.

As useful as tits on a bull.

Body by God, Mind by Mattel.

Bright as Alaska in December.
Doesn’t have both oars in the water.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.

Dumb as a corn cob.

Dumb as a stump.

Dumber than a bag of rocks.

Elevator doesn't quite make the top floor.

Fell out of the family tree.

Fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Four quarters short of a dollar.
Goes surfing in Nebraska.

Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons.
Got a full 6-pack, but not the plastic thingy to hold it together.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

He played too much without a helmet.

He’s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut.

He's got a leak in his think-tank.

He's got a mind like a steel sieve.

He's got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground.
He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

He's so dense light bends around him.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

His cheese has slipped off his cracker.

His porch light ain't on.

If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.

If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted.

Isn’t firing on all 6 cylinders.

Isn’t firing on all thrusters.
Kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
Knitting with only one needle.

Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine.
Mind is in neutral, body is in gear.
Mind like a rubber bear trap.

Needing a few screws tightened.
Not firing with all spark plugs.

Not the brightest light in the harbor.
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
Nutty as a fruitcake.

On/off switch is stuck in the off position.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

One tit short of an udder.
One turbine short of an airplane.
One wave short of a shipwreck.

One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Requires directions to lay sod.

Room temperature IQ.

Running about a quart low.

Running on empty.

Sharp as a bowling ball.

She couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.

She's not tied too tight to the pier.
So dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye chart.
Strong like bear, smart like tractor.
Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

The elevator is stuck between floors.
The lights are on, but no one's home.
The wheel is spinning but the hamster's dead.

Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window.
Too many yards between the goal posts.

Two hub caps short of a Buick.
Warning -- objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby.

You can't call him an idiot, you'll insult all the idiots in the world.

Know any more?

SNL Vid Of The Day: Annuale

I've posted this before but it's the first thing I thought of when I saw the crazy woman driver yesterday.


Related Posts with Thumbnails