Monday, April 20, 2009

Bond's Worst Vehicles Of The Day

From Maxim.com. Notice the correlation between crappy Bond vehicles and crappy Bond movies.

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Sometimes James Bond gets a slick Aston Martin with missile launchers for headlights and an invisibility cloak. Other times...well, he just has to make do. By James Jung


Double Decker Bus, Live and Let Die

You'd think the best way to steal a villain's gal and make off down the back roads of some Caribbean island would be by dirt bike or ATV, but leave it to 007 to hijack a decrepit double-decker bus only to maneuver it around tight corners like he was trying to drive a carton of milk.



Tuk Tuk, Octopussy

If a showdown involving backgammon and a Faberge egg wasn't lame enough, Bond furthers the limpness of this "action sequence" by escaping the sinister clutches of Kamal Khan in the back of a tuk tuk. Sure, his tuk tuk did have wheelie capabilities, but that's like trying to convince people that your scooter is a chopper.



Fire Engine, A View To A Kill

After rescuing the Barbie-like Tanya Roberts from a flaming building (lest she melt into a puddle of her own plastic), the super spy smoothly evaded the San Francisco police department in a stolen fire truck. Bond, of course, maintains his usual low profile by switching on the sirens.



Ford Ka, Quantum Of Solace

The only reason we can forgive Daniel Craig's 007 for sitting shotgun in this two-door Ford Ka (other than skyrocketing gas prices), is because supreme hottie Olga Kurylenko is driving the pint-size rig. We'd let her drive us to work in a short bus.



Cello Case, The Living Daylights

With the Slovakian police hot on their trail, Bond and his gal flee into Austria in his tricked out Aston Martin (replete with rockets, lasers and rudders). But once 007 crashes the custom rig into a snow bank (nice job!), the pair are forced to descend an icy slope into the land of lederhosen by sledding on the back of a cello case. Weee!!



Kite-Surf Board, Die Another Day

Let's face it, despite his lethal cunning, Bond ain't MacGruber. Please, his delicate hands are too busy fondling women and swilling martinis to start re-assembling parts. So when a villain's rocket car explodes, we really can't fault 007 for fashioning a kite-surfing board out of it. We can, however, fault his maniacal producers, Barbara Broccoli and Michael Wilson, for giving us one of the lamest scenes in the storied secret agent's cinematic history.



Citroën 2CV, For Your Eyes Only

If seeing Bond's sleek Lotus Esprit explode into smithereens didn't bring a tear to your eye, then seeing the aging agent fold his geriatric frame into the passenger seat of a hokey Citroën 2CV and gingerly take off down the street must've had you weeping with nostalgia for his fitter days.



Ford Mondeo, Casino Royale

James Bond movies are formulaic. So when 007 touches down in an exotic, foreign locale, you expect a sports car or limo to be waiting for him. What you don't expect, is Bond schlepping his bags up to the rental agency counter and throwin' down the plastic for a mid size economy car. Hooray for product placement! Was Kia unavailable?



Telephone Repair Van, The Spy Who Loved Me

When an eight-foot tall giant with metal teeth is on your tail, the last thing you want to be driving is a rickety telephone repair van. But with nothing else at his disposal while stranded in the Egyptian dessert, Bond gladly commandeered this old jalopy. We'd have settled for saddling a camel or a particularly stout local.



Moon Buggy, Diamonds Are Forever

A moon buggy has a hard enough time looking cool lurching around the moon, let alone puttering through the Nevada desert. But that's just what Bond motored off in when escaping Willard Whyte's space laboratory in DAF. At least 007 quickly ditched the buggy and redeemed himself with a Mustang Mach 1 on the Vegas Strip.


Time Waster Of The Day: Tone Matrix

Now we know how Brian Eno writes songs. Click the pic and have some fun.



Shortest Celebrity Marriages Of The Day (Literally, In Some Cases)

And people said they'd never last...

1 YEAR OR LESS



Mike Tyson & Robin Givens - 1 year (1988-89)

Alyssa Milano & Cinjun Tate - 10 months (1999)

Shannen Doherty & Rick Salomon - 9 months (2002)

Travis Barker & Melissa Kennedy - 9 months (2001-02)



Jim Carrey & Lauren Holly - 9 months (1996-97)

Jennifer Lopez & Cris Judd - 8 months (2001-02)

Axl Rose & Erin Everly - 7 months (1990-91)


6 MONTHS OR LESS

Drew Barrymore & Tom Green - 5 months (2001)

Shannen Doherty
& Ashley Hamilton - 5 months (1993-94)



Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra - 5 months (1998-99)

Charlie Sheen
& Donna Peele - 5 months (1995-96)

Pam Anderson & Rick Salomon - less than 5 months (2007-8)

Janet Jackson & James DeBarge - 4 months (1984-85)

Renee Zellweger & Kenny Chesney - 4 months (2005)



Nicholas Cage & Lisa Marie Presley - 4 months (2002; separated after four months but took two years to finalize their divorce)

Pam Anderson & Kid Rock - 4 months (2006)

R. Kelly
& Aaliyah - under 3 months (1994; marriage was annulled when a court found out she lied about her age to get married. She was only 15)


1 MONTH OR LESS

Ethel Merman & Ernest Borgnine (!) - 1 month (1964)

Drew Barrymore
& Jeremy Thomas - 1 month (1994)
. Maybe marriage just isn't your thing, Drew.



Darva Conger & Rick Rockwell - 3 weeks (2000; met and married on FOX's TV show, "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?")

Robert Evans
& Catherine Oxenberg - 12 days (1998)

Dennis Hopper
& Michelle Phillips - 8 days (1971)

Britney Spears & Jason Allen Alexander - 55 hours (2004)


ONE LOUSY DAY

Robin Givens & Syetozar Marinkovic - August 22, 1997

Zsa Zsa Gabor
& Felipe De Alba - April 13, 1983

Songsmith Song Of The Day: Motörhead

This might be my favorite one of all. My thanks to Mr. Minimac for the link.


More Bad Cakes Of The Day (NSFW-ish)

From Bill at HighStreet.org.


Baby Cake 1


Baby Cake 2


Meat Cake


Lame-As-Fuck Wedding Cake


Sex Cake


Litter Cake


Rick Cake


Guts Cake


Dumb Cake


Classic 80s Music Video Of The Day

Not my favorite VH song -- not even close -- but the video takes me back to college in a big way.

Life Lesson Of The Day

Always remember: no matter how bad things get...



They could always be worse.



(Pics from my Cajun buddy, Willie.)


Bad Economic Indicator Of The Day

Wow, things are tough all over, even in Hollywood.


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