From Funny Or Die.
Friday, March 20, 2009
A little late, but nudity is timeless. No, there are no pics or clips, sorry. You're on your own with those. I haven't even heard of half these ladies, but the blurbs crack me up. Mr. Skin is definitely writing for his audience (i.e. 98% dudes).
From Mr. Skin.
1. Mischa Barton (Closing the Ring)
Mischa Barton not only goes topless 26 minutes into this World War II drama, but at the 34-minute mark, the O.C. hottie bares T&A. Mischa’s nude scenes are luscious, lengthy and brightly lit, so they’re guaranteed to turn you into a Barton fink!
2. Sophie Monk (Sex and Death 101)
Sex and Death 101 would be nudesworthy just for the first-time intentional toplessness of Winona Ryder. But Australian chanteuse Sophie Monk steals the show by brilliantly baring boobs and butt in a bathroom. You’ll be flush with arousal.
3. Heather Graham (Adrift in Manhattan)
Over the past few years, golden girl Heather Graham has come to be one of our most reliably in-the-raw show-business figures. Adrift in Manhattan is rear-markable for a doggie-style sex scene that can only be described as ass-tonishing.
4. Asia Argento (The Last Mistress)
Goth goddess Asia Argento continues to T&Amaze. Every time we think this Italian kink diva has gone as far as she can, Asia astounds anew. Case in point(s): her post-pregnancy boobs, fluffy muff, and sweet seat in a powerful pole-riding performance in The Last Mistress.
5. Neve Campbell (I Really Hate My Job)
As a put-upon waitress, Neve strips nude in a crowded restaurant, serving up her taut butt and topless Campbell’s soup cans (complete with adorably inverted nipples).
6. Anna Faris (The House Bunny)
Funny and foxy go hand-in-gland in the case of Anna Faris, who broke through to A-list stardom this year by baring her stellar A in this hit Playboy farce.
7. Amy Smart (Mirrors)
In the fright flick Mirrors, bubbly blonde Amy Smart does the brainy thing by baring her sumptuously built body during a dip in the tub. Amy’s so sexy, it Smarts!
8. Mena Suvari (Stuck)
Director Stuart Gordon’s black comedy Stuck takes a delectably light (and hot) turn when star Mena Suvari bares titlets and tail for the skinterracial love scene of the year. Stuck will make you sticky.
9. Penélope Cruz (Elegy)
The academic drama Elegy casts Ben Kingsley as a university professor and Spanish siren Penélope Cruz as his student. Fortunately his academic research includes an intense study of Penélope’s naked breasts.
10. Angelina Jolie (Wanted)
The World’s Sexiest Woman flaunts The World’s Most Sought-After Seat Meat, turning the action bash Wanted into a shoot-’em-up of another, more personal kind.
11. Laura Ramsey (The Ruins)
The horror hit The Ruins tracks a group of doomed hikers who make their way to cursed Mayan ruins. Laura Ramsey will raise more than just your hair when she changes clothes and shows off her own Great Pyramids.
12. Jessica Morris (Role Models)
On TV, Jessica Morris costarred on the soap opera One Life to Live. In the raunchy Paul Rudd/Seann William Scott comedy Role Models, Jessica’s got two boobs to give, and we’ll take them!
13. Willa Ford (Impulse)
Flaxen vixen Willa Ford transforms from former MTV pop tart to erotic-thriller ingénue in Impulse. As a sexual adventurer, Willa bares both her headlights and rear bumper. Have you driven a Ford lately?
14. Carly Pope (Young People Fucking)
Any film titled Young People Fucking better deliver, so it’s a pleasure to report that this indie comedy comes across . . . in the best sense of the term. There’s standout nakedness from Diora Baird, Sonja Bennett, and Natalie Lisinska, but the best scene belongs to deliciously bitsy-boobied Carly Pope, of the cult TV series Popular.
15. Jenna Jameson (Zombie Strippers)
Seeing porn phenomenon Jenna Jameson nude, gorgeous as she always is, may seem like no big novelty at this point, but to see a back-burger shot of her vaginal lips and anus in an uproarious splatter-fest is a whole new skin-sation.
16. Jess Weixler (Teeth)
In the acclaimed horror satire Teeth, nudecomer Jess Weixler balances her penis-eating vagina with a pair of naked breasts so pert and inviting that they make the dangerous trip below seem worth the risk.
17. Moran Atias (Mother of Tears)
Fright maestro Dario Argento directs his daughter Asia Argento nude for the fourth time in this apocalyptic witch saga. But it’s Israeli eyeful Moran Atias, in the title role, who supplies the movie’s Mother of All of Nude Scenes.
18. Vera Farmiga (Never Forever)
Vera Farmiga broke through to stardom in Martin Scorcese’s The Departed, but in Never Forever, she breaks clean out of her top.
19. Maria Bello (Downloading Nancy)
Maria Bello busts out her two tastily tiny ta-tas in Downloading Nancy, and, breast of all, she’s in bondage!
20. Amy Adams (Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day)
Academy Award nominee Amy Adams elevates this stuffy chick flick to stiffy material by flashing her bottomless panty apples. Will Amy’s Golden Globes be next?
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
6:00 am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe —for now...