Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Music Video Of The Day

From Frank.

(And Daisy).

Vid Of The Day: Recession For Men


Celebrity Vendetta Of The Day: Miley Cyrus Vows To "Ruin" Radiohead

When I first read this, I thought, there's no way Miley Cyrus could ruin Radiohead. But then it hit me: yes, she could ruin them. She could JOIN THE BAND! Watch out, Radiohead. Whatever you do, DO NOT let Miley in your band.

From Matt and Rolling Stone.

Miley Cyrus Snubbed By Radiohead, Vows To "Ruin Them"

Radiohead made Miley Cyrus cry.

That’s what the Hannah Montana star told the syndicated Johnjay and Rich Show on Tuesday, March 3rd, after Cyrus admitted that band snubbed her backstage at the Grammys.

Miley was about four dressing rooms away from Thom Yorke, so she asked her manager to reach out to his people so the two could meet, because who knew, Miley loves Radiohead.

“They’re like, my rock god. I am obsessed with them. This is the only person I would probably cry over. I would cry,” Cyrus said on air.

So what was Radiohead’s response when offered the chance to meet Miley Cyrus? “We don’t really do that,” the band’s reps told Miley’s manager. That was enough to make Cyrus refer to the band as “Stinkin’ Radiohead!”

From what we know, Yorke is a notoriously shy guy who probably wasn’t in the mood to hang out with a chirpy star-struck teenager who has probably never heard Hail to the Thief, discussing unicorns and Nick Jonas in the hours before his band was set to perform at their very first American awards show.

Plus, Yorke had already snubbed Kanye West, so there was no way Miley Cyrus was going to get a meet-and-greet.

Cyrus said she was so hurt by Yorke’s dismissal, she didn’t even watch their performance of “15 Step” with the USC Marching Band.

“I’m gonna ruin them, I’m gonna tell everyone,” Cyrus threatened.

She’ll definitely be downloading their next album for free instead of paying-what-she-wants. Plus, Radiohead’s Radio Disney days are so over, and you can expect to see a big dip in sales of In Rainbows in the “Female Aged 5-11″ demographic.

Vid Of The Day: Copy Machine

Another shot of funny from lo-lo-lo la-Lola.

Greatest Movie "Oh" Faces Of The Day

From They call it "Oh" face but I always called it "O" face. Either way, you get the idea.


The face you make as you fire off your little "grand finale" is nature's way of knocking you down a peg after potentially ego-inflating sex. In the service of science, here are some classic examples.

Drew, Office Space

What better way to start than with the man who deserves credit for popularizing the term "Oh Face" to begin with? You know what we're talkin' about… And Drew isn't bashful about it, either. The man takes obvious pride in his Oh face. Ladies, you should be so lucky to see it firsthand…

Dave Chappelle, "Chappelle's Show"

From the classic "Wrap it Up" sketch, Dave Chappelle proves that even a man who acts goofy for a living can't top his own baby-grimace. No need to hit that "wrap it up" button, girl, we think Dave's done for the night after this.

Matilda Jeffries and Hansel, Zoolander

A guy. A girl. Some exotic teas and scented candles. Another guy. Several dwarves. A Maori tribesman. You know what that spells, right? A one-way trip to Pleasuretown. Now note the contrast: Matilda looks hotter than ever in mid-orgasm. Hansel, however? He looks like he just smelled what the Rock is cooking. Nature's an asshole.

Otto, A Fish Called Wanda

Otto's lovemaking technique — hammering away like a meth-addicted rabbit while spouting Italian gibberish — unexpectedly ends softly… quietly… and with a face so ridiculous it snagged Kevin Kline an Oscar. No shit.

Marcus Graham, Boomerang

We can understand Marcus' problem here—just typing the words "nude Robin Givens" had us ready to send up an ol' signal flare—but c'mon, man. You look like a marlin or a self-immolating Chinese demigod, at least.

Sarah Marshall and Aldous Snow, Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Rock stars and actresses are paid to look cool at all times, so it's probably a good thing that they save their kabuki sex faces for behind closed doors (or at least for downloadable sex tapes). Not that we think Sarah/Kristen Bell is hurting her image at all (can she ever not be adorable?)—it's Aldous/Russell Brand who looks like he escaped from a Tim Burton movie.

Arthur Stuart and Curt Wild - Velvet Goldmine

While Curt's eyes-rolled-back-in-his-head money shot makes this list-worthy on its own, we also wanted to include this in order to torment fanboys. You see, that's Ewan McGregor and Christian Bale. Yep, Obi-Wan Kenobi taking Batman to brown town. Just let that marinate in your noggins for a while…

They forgot a couple:

Poindexter - Revenge Of The Nerds

At the end of the classic "We've got bush!" scene, Dex loses control and has an unplanned dispersal in his pants. (Link NSFW - nudity).

"Lassie" - Porky's

Why do they call her "Lassie"? You'll see.

Criminal Of The Day: The Peoria Pelter

No one is safe until this guy is apprehended. No one.

From The Smoking Gun.

MARCH 16--The Peoria Pelter remains on the loose.

A week after a McDonald's employee was assaulted with a "hot greasy McGriddle sandwich," Illinois cops have yet to make an arrest.

According to a Peoria Police Department report, a copy of which you'll find here, Patricia Munguia, 38, was hit in the face by a McGriddle thrown by a drive-thru customer angered that his sandwich did not include an egg.

As reported by Officer Anthony Allen, though Munguia was "physically assaulted by a breakfast sandwich," she declined "medical attention for the assault by the sausage sandwich."

Munguia provided cops with what she believed was the license plate of the sandwich tosser (who she described as a regular customer), but the tag "came back no record on file."

If the police report is any indication, it does not seem that Peoria cops are aggressively pursuing the fast food flinger, who is described as a six-foot tall black male weighing 230 pounds. Officer Allen advised Munguia to call cops "if the suspect comes back to assault her again with breakfast food."

Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey Of The Day

Two dozen of my favorites.

24) Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words, mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

23) If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

22) I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

21) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

20) If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

19) Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

18) Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?

17) If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

16) To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

15) I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

14) It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

13) If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

12) When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

11) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

10) If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

9) I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

8) To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

7) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

6) One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

5) If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

4) It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

3) If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

2) If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

1) If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

All material copyright by Jack Handey


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