Friday, March 6, 2009

371 Euphemisms For Female Masturbation, 256-371 (NSFW)

Part 3 of 3. I don't know about you, but I'm sad it's over.

Scoring the hoop
Scraping the cheese off the taco
Scratching the patch
Scratching where it itches
Searching for Ms. "G"
Seasoning your fish
Secret vice
Sending Muffin Morse Code
Sexercising
Shaking hands with Mr. Paul
Shaking the dew off the lily
Shebopping
Shining the diamond
Shooting hoops
Shooting the rapids
Shucking the fresh water clam
Shucking the oyster
Slappin' the crack
Slapping slit
Slapping Susie
Slapping the flap
Slapping the mackerel
Slapping the meat curtain
Slapping the skunk guts
Slicing pie
Sliding down the chute
Sliding into home
Slob the knob
Snatching
Soaking in Palmolive
Soaking the whisker biscuit
Softening the peach
Spanking the spot
Spanking your puppy on the nose
Spearing the bearded clam
Spelunking
Spelunking in the hairy caves
Spelunking in the mystery cave
Splashing in the sea
Squeezing the peach
Steaming the oyster
Stiffening my upper lip
Stinky pinky
Stirring it up
Stirring the honey pot
Stirring the pudding
Stirring the sauce
Stirring the soup
Stoking the furnace
Stroking the box
Strumming
Strumming the banjo
Strumming the big open C
Surfing the channel
Surfing the Slippery Sea
Surfing the web
Sweeping the chimney
Swimming in the crimson lake
Swimming in the Pu-Tang River
Swimming in the Red Sea
Takin' it to tuna town
Taking a dip
Taking a dip in the lake
Taking advantage of yourself
Taking the German u-boat into port
Tapping the tuna
Teasing the kitty
Teasing the little man in the canoe
Teasing the tuna
Teasing the tuna taco
Tending your own garden
Testing the plumbing
Testing your waters
The disappearing finger trick
The girly gusher
The magical disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
The other monthly visitor
The two-fingered tango
The virgin's release
Tickling the kitty
Tickling the pearl
Tickling the taco
Tickling your fancy
Tiptoe through the TwoLips
Toggling the bit
Tossing the pink salad
Touching your tigeress
Touching your tuna
Touring Tasmania (triangular shaped Australian island)
Tracing the vertical smile
Trolling the Bermuda Triangle
Twiddling your twat
Twinkling the little star
Twirlin' the pearl
Two-finger taco tango
Two-finger typing
Unclogging the drain
Visiting Niagra Falls
Visiting with Father Thumb and his four sons
Visiting your safety deposit box
Wading in the Bermuda Triangle
Walking Downtown
Washing my hands
Washing your fingers
Waxing the canoe
Waxing the milk duds
Weaving the carpet
Whipping your cream
Whipping your nest
White knuckling
Working in the garden
Working out at the Y
Wrinkling fingers


TV Clip Of The Day: Conan Releases Abe Vigoda

Acting on a tip from garrito, I found this touching clip from The Conan O'Brien Show. It's ok to cry.


Vid Of The Day: Hands Free

From Ben in Oz.


"Caption This" Photo Of The Day


12 Creepy Old People Of The Day

These senior citizens have given us many years of entertainment, societal contributions, and the heebie-jeebies. From Maxim.com.


RIP TAYLOR

Take Rue McClanahan's hair, Carrot Top's comic stylings, Liberace's wardrobe, and then sprinkle generously with bat shit craziness, and you've got Rip Taylor, the "king of confetti," who is also king of our nightmares. The only difference with Nightmare Rip is that when we wake up, he goes away.


WILFORD BRIMLEY

The only thing grosser than an old person is a diseased old person. So every time we hear the grandpa of Our House talk about his "diabeetus" during commercial breaks, we put down our Little Debbie Snack Cake and pick up a barf bucket. Couldn't you have kept shilling for Quaker Oats, Wilf?


LARRY KING

This CNN curmudgeon and rumored chronic gas-passer has managed to get married seven times. To women! What's his secret? The man never dies!


BEA ARTHUR

What looks like a dude, sounds like a dude, and menstruates as often as dudes do? This dude!


EDDIE VAN HALEN

We have to give Eddie Van Halen some credit. After being treated for mouth cancer twice and losing one-third of his tongue, the man still smokes! He's no quitter, and he's got the hobbit-witch-hybrid-corpse look to prove it.


BRUCE VILANCH

As a joke writer and 300-pound mass of blubber and hair, Bruce should be behind the camera, yet somehow, he's waddled in front of it for shows like Hollywood Squares and Celebrity Fit Club. We'll take the center square to block…out the image of Bruce Vilanch doing shirtless squats.


JOEL GODARD

The Late Night With Conan O'Brien announcer's trademark big openmouthed smile has the power to either brighten someone's day, or inflict the fear that he's about to swallow someone's fetus. Either or.


ED McMAHON

If Ed McMahon showed up on our doorstep holding balloons and a giant check made out for a gazillion dollars, we'd put him in our car and return him to the nursing home from which he escaped.


ANDY ROONEY

Andy is like the crotchety grandpa who insists on calling black people "Negroes" and his eyebrows "bangs." Seriously, Rooney, there's a grooming tool called "tweezers." Look into it.


GARY GLITTER

The glam rocker's 1973 hit "I'm the Leader of the Gang (I Am)" was slightly overshadowed by his later release "I'm the Owner of Pornography of Underage Girls (I Am)."


ABE VIGODA

Creepy, for sure, but who else can say they've seen Halley's Comet four times?

Classic 80s Music Video Of The Day

This one's been stuck in my head for a day now. Not sure why. Maybe I'm dying and this is my death knell.


Worth1000 Gallery Of The Day: Name The Song ANSWERS

Answers to yesterday's gallery.


Stop In The Name Of Love - The Supremes


Pump Up The Jam - Technotronic


Buffalo Soldier - Bob Marley


Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice


Dancing Queen - ABBA


Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes


St. Elmo's Fire - John Parr


Rock Lobster - The B-52s


Freewheel Burning - Judas Priest


Roll Over Beethoven - The Beatles


Mr. Brownstone - Guns n' Roses


Drops Of Jupiter - Train


Heard It Through The Grapevine - Marvin Gaye


You Can't Hurry Love - The Supremes


Atom Heart Mother - Pink Floyd


Angry Chair - Alice In Chains


Turning Japanese - The Vapors


House Of The Rising Sun - The Animals


Kiss From A Rose - Seal


Mean Mr. Mustard - The Beatles


Footloose - Kenny Loggins


Maneater - Hall & Oates


Highway To Hell - AC/DC


Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles


Across The Universe - The Beatles


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