Go, Dog, Go. Wicked pissa!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Richard Gere's gerbil. Rod Stewart's stomach. Mama Cass' ham sandwich. Most of us grew up hearing the same celebrity rumors over and over again until we wondered if they might really be true.
Well, wonder no more; Nerve.com has compiled this handy list of the 40 top celebrity rumors of all time. I've posted on this topic in the past, but since Nerve writers actually get paid to write this stuff, their list is more exhaustive.
I'm not posting all 40, just some of the more interesting ones. To see the full list at Nerve, click the link at the end of the post.
40. Kiddie idols meet grisly end
Did you hear that Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez (Zack and Slater from Saved by the Bell) died in a car accident? Starting around 1993, rumors of the stars' demise spread like wildfire across the nation's middle schools. Of course, the stars of Saved by the Bell are all doing fine, and have gone on to lucrative careers in amateur porn (Dustin Diamond), amateur dancing (Mario Lopez), and amateur porn-dancing (Elizabeth Berkeley).
38. Milton Berle had the biggest penis in Hollywood
You can die satisfied when your enormous penis has been mentioned, even tangentially, in the New Yorker. Milton Berle got that honor in a 2002 story about his Friars Club memorial roast, where comedian Freddie Roman remarked, "We are here to honor Milton Berle, who passed away on March 27th. On May 1st and May 2nd, his penis will be buried." The New Yorker story is a fitting homage to Berle's colossal member, whose existence was supposedly confirmed by Saturday Night Live writer Alan Zweibel. Zweibel claims Berle showed him the legendary appendage during rehearsals for Uncle Miltie's infamous 1979 guest-hosting appearance.
37. Stevie Nicks' alternate cocaine-delivery method
The rumor claims that Fleetwood Mac's gypsy songstress, hoping to spare her vocal cords from her severe blow habit, got a little rear-entry help from a coke-straw-bearing groupie. Nicks tends to be pretty forthright about her history of cocaine abuse, and she denies this story. But that doesn't mean that it didn't happen. We all know "Gold Dust Woman" was autobiographical, but maybe the phrase "roadie blowing coke up my ass" didn't fit the rhyme scheme.
36. Marisa Tomei won an Oscar by mistake
Many critics have their complaints about Marisa Tomei's Best Supporting Actress win for My Cousin Vinny in 1992 — so many, in fact, that a rumor materialized to explain it. According to lore, the presenter of the award, Jack Palance, couldn't read Vanessa Redgrave's name on the envelope and blurted out the name of the last nominee he had announced: Tomei. Journalist Steve Pond, who covers the Oscars for Premiere, invalidated the story when he wrote that Price-Waterhouse-Coopers representatives "have very clear instructions that if a presenter opens the envelope and says the wrong name, they are to walk on stage, stop the show and announce the correct winner."
31. Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy bearded for each other
Hepburn was a legendary tomboy, so it's easy to understand the popularity of the rumor that she was a lesbian, that her lover Tracy was gay, and that they were bearding for each other. According to William J. Mann's biography Kate: The Woman Who Was Hepburn, the actress was asexual, Tracy was probably very gay, and Hepburn was less his lover than his caretaker, though they had a strong nonsexual connection.
30. Keanu Reeves married David Geffen
In the mid-'90s, a French tabloid reported that Keanu Reeves, the actor of ambiguous sexuality, had married David Geffen, the gay mogul and philanthropist, in a secret ceremony. This turned out to be a blatant fabrication. Quipped syndicated gossip columnist Billy Masters, "Sources tell me that David is holding out for someone who can actually act."
27. Led Zeppelin violated a groupie with a fish
This tale from the briny depths of the '70s was first reported in Hammer of the Gods, the notoriously sordid 1985 Led Zeppelin bio based on the booze-soaked recollections of road manager Richard Cole. The book claims that Zep drummer John Bonham stuffed pieces of shark into a groupie's vagina, but Cole corrects himself in a more recent account on Snopes.com: "It wasn't Bonzo, it was me...it was a red snapper. Bonzo was in the room, but I did it. Mark Stein [of Vanilla Fudge] filmed the whole thing. And she loved it.... It was the nose of the fish, and that girl must have come twenty times."
26. Courteney Cox bleaches her cornhole
In these heady times, bleaching your anus for aesthetic reasons is totally normal. But in the early 2000s, anus-bleaching was still ever so slightly unusual. The late Talk magazine delivered an early report on the supposed celebrity craze in their October 2001 issue. E! Online columnist Ted Casablanca took up the cause earlier still, reporting in April 2000 that Lara Flynn Boyle was a bleacher. Jill Soloway, a writer and producer of Six Feet Under, continued the trend with her short story, "Courteney Cox's Asshole." Soloway narrates from the POV of Cox's imaginary personal assistant, who fields endless calls from tabloids about whether her boss bleaches. The story is fiction.
17. Marilyn Manson, sitcom star
Did Marilyn Manson have a rib removed so he could auto-fellate? Did he play nerdy Paul Pfeiffer on late-'80s sitcom The Wonder Years? Could Paul give himself a blowjob? This much we know: Manson was not on The Wonder Years. Josh Saviano played Kevin's best friend, and the ex-actor is alive and working as an attorney in NYC. In 2001 Saviano told Star that he didn't mind being mistaken for the rocker. "What would you rather have, people thinking you're a dorky kid from The Wonder Years or a Satanic rock star?" As for Manson, in his autobiography, The Long Hard Road Out of Hell, he remarks, "If I really got my ribs removed, I would have been busy sucking my own dick on The Wonder Years instead of chasing Winnie Cooper."
16. John Lennon had an affair with Brian Epstein
According to Albert Goldman's book, The Lives of John Lennon, the Beatle had an affair with the band's manager and close friend, Brian Epstein, from 1963 until Epstein's death in 1967. Two other authors, Peter Shotten and Hunter Davies, claimed that Lennon and Epstein had sex but not a long-term relationship. Lennon denied the rumor, telling Playboy in 1980 "it was never consummated, but we had a pretty intense relationship." Lennon's ex-wife Cynthia also refuted the claim in her memoir, John, saying, "[Like] most lads at the time, [John] was horrified by the idea of homosexuality."
11. Jamie Lee Curtis is intersex
Jamie Lee Curtis was born with a penis! An extra chromosome! We remember hearing these lines on the playground before we had any idea who Jamie Lee Curtis was. Curtis has never discussed her genital status, so let's consult a more entertaining source: the CHUD.com message boards. Writes one poster, "She has two XXs and a Y chromosome. She's all woman physically, but she can't have kids due to the genetic defect." (Curtis' two kids with Christopher Guest are adopted.) The bottom line? Who cares.
4. Mikey died from eating Pop Rocks and soda
Remember Mikey, the little advertising mascot kid who liked Life cereal? "Mikey likes it," and all that? Presumably, Mikey, though he liked Life cereal, was not as much a fan of exploding. Contrary to popular opinion, John "Mikey" Gilchrist did not explode after eating Pop Rocks and chugging a Coke, and the combo of Pop Rocks and soda isn't deadly — although it may cause you to lose your lunch. The rumor will probably never go away, but Mikey is alive and well.
3. Nancy Reagan was a blowjob queen
According to Kitty Kelley's biography, the future first lady "was renowned in Hollywood for performing oral sex." Back when she was Nancy Davis, the actress reportedly went down on many an actor "not only in the evening but in offices. That was one of the reasons that she was very popular on the MGM lot." You have to shift your conception of '80s conservatives around a little to buy this, but it's worth the effort.
See the rest at Nerve.com.
I think he's lying.
best of craigslist > chicago >
Fine, Don't Fucking Hire Me, You Can't Handle My Shit
Date: 2008-12-02, 10:34PM CST
What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Cover Letter? Here's my fucking cover letter!
Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll suck a dick if I have to...that's right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that motherfucker and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO!
What'd you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I'll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I need a motherfuckin job!
Your brother is gay and you're not cool with that? I'll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don't believe me?! Then hire me and I'll fucking show you!
I need a motherfuckin job.
SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop
RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
Sloblor the Muck Monster
So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.
- Location: Chicago
Another cool Photoshop gallery from Worth1000.com.
Each picture represents a popular song. Some are easy, some aren't. Some are literal, some abstract. Some will win, some will lose. Some are born to sing the blues.
Answers tomorrow, or, if you can't wait that long, e-mail me. Please don't send guesses in your comments; I don't want to spoil the game for anyone. Thanks.
Hint: Angelina Jolie is irrelevant to the answer.