Thursday, February 26, 2009

History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives

(Just a tease for this longer article on Cracked.com. Many thanks to Steph and Mike V for the link.)

History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives

The three most terrifying things in the world are werewolves, clowns and unplanned pregnancy. Humanity has known this since time began and has endeavored to make sure the last one of these would happen as infrequently as possible.

10) Weasel Testicles

In the Dark Ages in Europe, things were dark for a reason, not the least of which was that, with the lights on, a typical man might wonder why his girlfriend had weasel balls strapped to her leg...


9) Crocodile Dung Diaphragms

Ancient Egyptians were a crafty lot, and some of the first people to cook up a method of birth control that actually worked. They figured out that you could stop the pregnancy if you had some kind of, uh, blockage there...

8) Beaver Testicles With Alcohol

In the 16th century, Canadians agreed that the testicles of small furry animals were key to pregnancy prevention. They were far more advanced than those silly, superstitious Europeans, so they got the brilliant idea to use moonshine with beaver testicles in it...


7) Mercury

...there may have been some sterility, brain damage and kidney failure, of course, but stopping the baby was the main thing. This was ancient China, after all.

6) Gold/Silver Diaphragms

While these substances were no doubt awesome to anyone going spelunking in a woman's vagina, they sometimes lead to things like Toxic Shock Syndrome, discharge and infections, and, yes, pregnancy. But, hey, if things play out just right, your penis could come out wearing a shiny little top hat! And wouldn't that make it all worth it?

5) Animal Intestines

One of the oldest known condoms is made from a pig intestine and even has a user manual that suggests soaking it in warm milk before use, probably because just humping with a pig intestine was only half gross, but if you could somehow include sour milk in the mix well, that'd put it right over the top.

4) Opium diaphragms

The people of ancient Sumatra would take a sticky wad of opium and, you know -- wedge it in there. Now, we hesitate to even include this because we have a feeling right now there is some dude at his computer, gel in his hair and three buttons open on his shirt, reading this and suddenly having an awesome idea for Saturday night.


3) Lemons

...and the scent would be just like a freshly cleaned bathroom each and every time! As a bonus, the various shapes and sizes of citrus meant it was great for every woman, though it probably made for some awkward moments with the fruit seller.

2) Blacksmith Water

The idea that the water contained lead is a strong possibility, as even up through the first World War, women were volunteering to work in factories with lead just so it would keep them sterile. The only real downside was a pantload of neurological problems, nausea, kidney failure, seizures, coma and death. Hell, they'd probably have been better off sticking with the mercury.


1) Coca-Cola Douche

The belief was that carbonation and sugar would be effective at stopping pregnancy, and also turning a vagina into a syrupy, caffeinated horror show of fizz and sticky spots. We like to think Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb were the carbonated no-baby douches of choice, but study by Harvard in the late '60s gave the honor to Diet Coke.


QOTD: The Best Thing

What's the best thing you've ever done for another person?

Let's exclude having/raising kids -- that's a given for all parents (unless you suck).

Go ahead: toot your horn. I'm axking for it.


Bad Dub Job Of The Day: Stranger In The Alps

Awesome. You only need to watch the first 24 seconds.



I once worked at a network that ran Die Hard from time to time. As you might imagine, the dub job on that was hilarious, but the best one by far was this gem:

"Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon!"


Classic Comedy Clip Of The Day: It's Not That I'm Lazy...

I never get tired of Office Space. Ever. Top 10 material right here, folks.


Link Of The Day: Why You Should Always Log Out

Click pic for article. From Ashley V. and CollegeHumor.com.


Classic TV Show Open Of The Day

I never watched this shit. Shame, because it looks super funny.


Top 10 Celebrity Douchebags Of The Day

From Crave Online. Here are five; visit their site for the other five. Their list, their copy.

#6 – TYRA BANKS



I liked Tyra Banks better back when she wasn’t saying shit. Now all of the sudden she’s the new Oprah. Personally, I am of the opinion that one Oprah was already one too many. Tyra Banks has two shows on TV in which she dispenses bad advice to desperate girls and woman despite being crazier than a shithouse rat. And what’s with that fivehead she’s sporting? She looks like a black conehead. Please, for the love of god, would someone ship her back home to Remulak?

#9 – MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY



It’s time you put a shirt on, jackass. Not everyone has time to work out 37 times a day. I’m sick to death of this guy making me look bad at the beach, and then compounding my dislike of him by putting out at least two horribly unwatchable romantic formula comedies every goddamn year. And lose the hick drawl for chrissakes, you’ve been living in L.A. for like 100 years already. No one’s buying it.

#3 – BEN STILLER



I am at the absolute limit of my tolerance for Ben Stiller. I would rather eat a sackful of empty beer bottles than watch another one of his movies. I would rather clean the floor of a bus station men's room with my tongue. I would rather spend an entire workweek with a handful of razor blades down my pants than ever see even so much as a rudimentary drawing of his mugging, monkey face, ever again. That’s how much I hate Ben Stiller.

#10 – SARAH SILVERMAN



Sarah Silverman is one of those comedians that everybody claims to like because she is so “edgy” and her material is so “controversial”. In reality, Sarah Silverman is neither, unless Paris Hilton and Britney Spears jokes are what you consider edgy. When Sarah performed at the VMAs last year, it was perhaps the most awkwardly silent crowd ever seen at an award show. And it wasn’t because they were shocked or offended, but simply because it just wasn’t funny. Silverman couldn’t even last a single season on “Saturday Night Live”, which is probably the least funny show on television.

#5 – ANYBODY THAT HAS EVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH AMERICAN IDOL



That includes people who watch it and talk about it all the damn time. American Idol is basically a bad karaoke show that conjures up the spirit of “Star Search”, minus any possibility of being entertained. This is a show that has forced upon us Ryan Seacrest, Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell, William Hung, Sanjaya and the reanimated corpse of Paula Abdul. It is singlehandedly responsible for making our entire nation stupider, and may even be responsible for the collapse of the music industry as a whole. So, the next time you wanna talk about American Idol, do us all a favor, please, and shut yer cakehole.


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