Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Homer Simpson's Words Of Wisdom Of The Day

From Sheila and Funny2.com.


When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle - they're on TV!

Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win.

Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Save me, Jeebus!

Facts are meaningless - you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.

I don't hate your mother, I just won't be sad when she dies.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain - remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene'.

Donuts...is there anything they can't do?

Trying is the first step toward failure.

Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man - which makes me the woman; and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which (as we discussed) is strictly a comfort thing.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

Without our immigrants, who will kick our field goals, or train our white tigers?

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!

Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'

Those guys were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Extended warranty? How can I lose?

Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power - like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

We'll die together, like a father and son should.

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

Oh, they have Internet on computers now.

Books are useless: I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" - and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin, but what good does THAT do me?

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

Music Video Of The Day: Without You

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Mark Gormley. Every time he sings, Orcas beach themselves trying to find the source of the brain-rattling sound.

Don't blame me; Frank sent this.



Tempting Offer Of The Day

Just got this in my e-mail. Call me crazy, but I get the impression that English might not be Miss Jessica's native tongue. Just a hunch.


Hi Dear,

how are you today I hope that everything is ok with you as it is my great pleasure to contact you in having communication with you starting from today, please i wish you will have the desire with me so that we can get to know each other better and see what happens in future.

I will be very happy if you can write me through my email for easy communication so that we can know each other, I will give you my pictures and details about me upon hearing from you. waiting for your response as i wish you all the best.

you can add me on yahoo messanger on this email (deleted) so that we can chart to know more about our self and see each other on cam.

your new friend

Miss Jessica Thomson

Miss Jessica sent no photo, but I'm guessing she looks a lot like this.


Determined Child Of The Day (video)

They should've left her in there and put in some tokens for a few rounds of "dodge the giant claw."

Great parents, though, huh? Good thing she has a sister or they might've left without her.
Idiots.

From Julie M.


Disturbing Sex Ed Video Of The Day

Nice try, Magoo, but you don't strike me as an expert in reproduction, if you know what I mean.

"It grows and it grows until it's big enough and strong enough..." to kill you for making this video.

From Wendy in RI.



Velvet Paintings Of The Day

The old saying is true: you learn something new every day... especially when you troll the Weird Wide Web like I do, looking for comedy gems about boobs, poop and hilarious near-fatal injuries.

Case in point: did you know that the world is full of some truly amazing velvet art? I'm talking one of a kind, collectible pieces. Yes, we all know about velvet Elvis paintings, but that's just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. Velvet is a great medium for almost any subject... like these...


Gotta start with the original: Elvis. At least that's who I think this is. It could be kd lang or a young Wayne Newton.


Elvis? Not quite. El Vez, Mexico's answer to The King, or, as some call him, The Knave.


Here's Jesus with Gene Simmons dressed as Elvis. Notice which one has the angelic glow.


Speaking of Jesus, here He is watching over a big rig. Or maybe it's just a big rig carrying a giant Jesus statue to Heritage USA. Or maybe it's not Jesus at all, but an Allman brother, showing us the model truck he just finished building.


Not Jesus, but close: Willie Nelson. With Elvis' shades.


Zell Miller looks insane... just like in real life.


Kenny on velvet. A no-brainer. The man was made for velvet.


Celebrate our Native American heritage with a disembodied polar bear head with footless claws in place of a lower jaw, as worn by Garry Shandling.


Here's one for your entryway: Monica with fertilized dress. A real conversation starter.


This was falsely billed as a Neil Diamond collage. I see two Neils, but I don't know who the fuck that is on the bottom left.


Lynndie on velvet. Or is it Boomhauer from "King Of The Hill" wearing a wig?


Another Kenny, this time in profile and denim. If you think his eye looks too high, you're thinking about old Kenny, not new Kenny.


Phil Spector - why? Honestly, I think someone just wanted to paint his hair.


I was going to apologize that this painting of Lionel Richie is blurred, but that's actually a good thing.


Marilyn MAN-roe... tranny version.


Ah, yes, the cigar-smoking, poker-dealing chimp. A classic.


Another Kenny, or Michael McDonald. Take your pick.


That poor tiger. He ran into the glass and smashed his face.


Hank, Jr. Whoever commissioned this probably asked for "Hank with a necklace." Instead, they got Hank, neckless.


One for the kid's room. This ought to help them get to sleep at night.


Whoa. It's the love child of Kenny Rogers and Dom DeLuise.


Twenty years ago, Don Johnson woulda kicked somebody's ass for this


It's a trap!


Finally, the pièce de résistance: Charles Nelson Reilly. I would kill to own this painting.

Onion News Story Of The Day: Sasha Obama Keeps Seeing Creepy Twins While Riding Tricycle Through White House

From The Onion.


WASHINGTON—A little more than a month after the first family's move to the White House, reports of strange happenings have continued to surface, with Sasha Obama confirming Tuesday that she had once again been visited by the eerie specter of the Bush twins.

Sasha, who was playing in the East Wing of the executive mansion so as not to disturb her busy father, reported seeing the former first twins while riding her Big Wheel tricycle down the Cross Hall corridor. The frightening apparitions, the 7-year-old said, emerged out of thin air and were dressed in identical outfits consisting of spaghetti strap tank tops and denim skirts.

"At approximately 4:36 p.m., we received a detailed account from Sasha Obama about a series of manifestations in the White House," press secretary Robert Gibbs announced. "However, a thorough search conducted by security officials has thus far uncovered nothing."

Added Gibbs, "Whatever grotesque and haunting images the president's youngest daughter thought she saw must have been a figment of her imagination."

According to White House security documents, Sasha told Secret Service agents that the ghostly twins spoke to her in unison and repeatedly beckoned her by chanting the phrases "come play with us," "come play with us, forever," and "Daddy's making fajitas."

White House officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, also detailed a disturbing vision experienced by Sasha, who at several points during her encounter suddenly saw the twin girls lying motionless in a pool of spilled strawberry margaritas.

"She said they kept whispering 'we want to party' over and over again," said one Secret Service agent, who comforted Sasha following the incident. "God, it's so horrifying."

(Read the rest of the story at The Onion.)

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