Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Crimefighter Of The Day


Woman uses wedgie to capture suspected thief

Tue Feb 17, 4:27 pm ET

SALT LAKE CITY – It took a wedgie and a headlock to pin down a man suspected of breaking into a car.

Yvonne Morris, a technician at the Brickyard Animal Hospital, said she chased a man who broke into a co-worker's car, but he kept squirming away from her.


Morris eventually grabbed the man's boxer shorts and pulled. Salt Lake City police said she then she put a headlock on the man until help could arrive.

The man was booked into the Salt Lake County jail on suspicion of vehicle burglary, possession of stolen property and outstanding warrants
(once he extracted his underwear from his anus, that is.)


Group Of The Day

I just wanted to give a big LOTD shout-out to all the fine folks down at...

The American Cornhole Association

From their website:

The American Cornhole Association was established by a small group of dedicated Cornholers from the west side of Cincinnati, Ohio. It has grown over the years and, to the best of our knowledge, now represents the largest organized Cornhole/Corn Toss association in the United States.

Cornhole. Corn Toss. Cornholio. TP for my bunghole.

From Daisy, a song about cornholin'.


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"One Sentence" Sentences Of The Day


OneSentence.org is a website that calls itself "an experiment in brevity." They explain: "Most of the best stories that we tell from our lives have one really, really good part that make the rest of the boring story worth it. This is about that one line. This is about telling the most interesting or poignant story possible in the fewest words. This is about small bite-sized pieces of extraordinary lives and ordinary lives alike... the happy, the sad, the funny, the depressing."

I linked to the site in a post a few months ago, but it's such a terrific idea that I wanted to go back and lift some of the best sentences for another post. Hope you like. If not, here's a sentence: Eat my shorts.

When I was 5 or so my mom would tell me to lie down before she tied my tie and I just now realized at the age of 19 that she did this because she's a funeral director.

We didn't wait till our wedding night and we were a little late for our reception.

Shortly after a palliative care nurse suggested Preparation H as a treatment for my weeping-induced under-eye bags, my mother, who was dying of cancer, opened her eyes and left me with these parting words of wisdom to sustain me after she died: "Whatever you do, do NOT put ass cream on your face."


As you were breaking up with me, all I could think about were those mornings when you compared the Pop-Tarts and gave me the one with more frosting.


One night on ecstasy, I stopped a fight between two drag queens in the ladies restroom and then I made them give each other a hug.


I only realized how strange my life was when I received a full scholarship for having a father in prison for murder.

My cat challenged me to a game of "Guess Where I Pooped Before You Step In It" and I lost.

I held my father's hand as he died in that hospital room and realized I'd never held his hand before that moment.

Only a few blocks from home my 3-year-old brother opened the rear door of our family's Dodge Polara, and quick as a wink he was gone.

His efforts were so valiant, I didn't have the heart to tell him it was front clasp.


I realized I might have drinking problem one night in my car, which was upside down and on fire.

Today you shaved your hair into a mohawk to make my mom laugh over losing hers to chemo and today I realized that you are my hero.

My 8-year-old sister proudly declared that she knows that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Funny" and has been using it all over the internet.


I married my husband on our first date, but it has taken me more than 5 years to decide what colour to paint our dining room.


During the party, an awkward silence fell in the room after my wife's grandmother asked me loudly if I'd ever seen a shaved beaver.


Three years into my English major, I finally ran out of BS.

I conduct job interviews for a living and nothing gives me a better sense of wielding karma than giving the job to the nervous kid instead of the better qualified arrogant prick.

After crying in a church parking lot for 20 minutes about the news of my best friend's death, someone from the church asked me to leave.

My online dating service matched me with my cousin.


As I woke up from my nap to find written on my feet "This is my momma and you can't have her," I realized that my child is very, very strange.


My cat died almost a year ago, but I still find her hair on my clothes and blankets sometimes.


I've never felt as guilty as when my mother took one look at me the weekend I lost my virginity on a class trip and said, "Something is different about you."

Ok, let's hear yours...


FOLOTD Birthday Of The Day


Please say happy birthday to E, aka Keeorp, one of the very first readers of LOTD outside my triangle of friends (I don't have enough to make a circle).

Have a great day, E!

Now who wants some cake?
It's got nuts.


Classic Comedy Clip Of The Day: Stonehenge

This one's for LVGurl.


Classic 80s Music Video Of The Day: Invincible

Saw this on VH-1 Classic this morning, and someone mentioned it in a comment the other day. The song is from The Legend Of Billie Jean, which isn't a great movie, but I dig this song, which was nominated for a Grammy (or should I say "Granny"?). Say what you will about Patricia Mae Andrzejewski, but the woman can sing... and she's a foxy mama.

Fair is fair!




Download it here and I get 6 cents!




Vids Of The Day: Don't Judge Too Quickly

A funny series of commercials for Ameriquest Mortgage, which was judged to the tune of millions of dollars in lawsuits for its part in the very unfunny subprime mortgage fiasco that led to the colossal goatfuck that is our economy.

From Lola and Reenie.











6 Signs That You're In A Bad Third Movie Installment

From Maxim.com.

Everyone knows that the toughest thing for filmmakers to pull off is a franchise's third go-round—so in honor of Underworld: Rise of the Lycans here's a handy guide to the red flags that indicate your three-quel is likely to be teh suxor.


1. THE STARS BAIL

"Hey, folks! Did you enjoy watching Kate Beckinsale kick ass in leather for two Underworld movies? Awesome, then you'll really love Rhona Mitra kicking…What's that? No, no. Kate's not in this one. Neither is the guy from
"Felicity." Hold on…come back! We've still got Michael Sheen! Hey! No, screw you, buddy!"


2. THE DIRECTOR BAILS

Worse than failing to sign the leads on the dotted line is having the person who guided the first two movies to success—well, "success" enough to warrant a third movie at least—decide that another round of increasingly flimsy storytelling just isn't worth his time. This usually means the studio has to scramble to find any hack with two months to kill to point a camera and half-ass a movie in time for their pre-set release date. We call this "Pulling a Ratner." (Not sure this is a good example. I read that Bryan Singer only bailed on X3 because he got a chance to do Superman, a lifelong dream of his. - CM)


3. THE STUDIO GETS COCKY

It's pretty commonly known that movie studios know as much about movies as the guy at Foot Locker knows about how to manipulate rubber and plastic to create a buoyant sole. So it's a major red flag when they start thinking they know more about what makes a franchise work then, well, the people who actually make a franchise work. They start second-guessing to death ("Listen, Mr. Raimi, if you don't find a way to shoehorn Venom into this flick, we're pulling the plug. You think those toys are going to sell themselves?") and the "movie by committee" results speak for themselves.


4. YOU'VE GONE PREQUEL

Nothing indicates a complete creative brownout than the inability to think up one more logical plot line for the characters you've spent two movies developing. The handy solution? "Hey, let's show them all as kids!" or "Know what's more interesting than the guy with the sword? The guy behind the guy behind the guy who made the sword!" It's like a TV series having a clip show midway through its first season.


5. YOU SUDDENLY THINK YOU'RE FUNNY

There's a difference between a movie with moments of humor and a comedy. An action movie that occasionally takes a break from the running and the shooting to crack a joke is fine—but it's the death knell for the franchise when the filmmakers start incorrectly thinking that the jokes and not the thrills were what people really came to see. That's why you get Riggs and Murtaugh suddenly becoming Laurel and Hardy. That's why Marcus Brody and Sallah — two characters with dignity in Raiders of the Lost Ark — suddenly become retarded errand boys in Last Crusade. You're. Not. Funny. Make with the blowing of things up. (I liked Last Crusade. Who cares what they do with Brody and Sallah? - CM)


6. YOU'RE DTV: DEAD TO VIRTUALLY EVERYONE

This is the lowest of the low. The third go-round is bad enough to offend the sensibilities of studio execs—that's right, the guys who released Meet the Spartans—so completely that they can't even bring themselves to shovel it into theaters. Welcome to the "employees recommend" rack at Blockbuster—you're assistant manager Devin's "ironic" selection that says, "I hate this job and can't wait to quit, so fuck you, customers."

I'll add two more:


7. THE DIRECTOR NEEDS THE DOUGH

According to IMdb.com, Godfather 1 & 2 director Francis Ford Coppola had refused for years to make a third installment of the movie, despite ongoing pressure from Paramount Pictures. But after his movie, Tucker: The Man And His Dream, flopped and put Coppola and his Zoetrope Studios in financial trouble, the director changed his mind.


8. YOU KNOW THE JOKES BEFORE THE ACTORS SAY THEM

Why? Because you've heard the same ones twice already. It's deja vu all over again. See Austin Powers In Goldmember and Rush Hour 3.

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