Monday, January 26, 2009

Onion News Story Of The Day: Chipotle Employee Just Gave The Guy In Front Of You More Rice

Further proof that there's always somebody trying to dick with you. Always. And that's why I carry a machete wherever I go, by god. Gyp me on rice or anything else, and you will lose that thieving hand, kemosabe.

From The Onion.

CHIPOTLE — In a lunchtime incident significant enough to warrant you pause, an employee at the fast food Mexican restaurant Chipotle has just dispensed to you a smaller serving of rice than the customer ahead of you.

Though it appears likely the less-generous helping of rice was a simple oversight on the part of the employee, and was in no way a personal slight against you, you reportedly cannot help but think that you deserve just as much rice in your burrito as any other paying customer.

Since noticing the rice disparity moments ago, you have considered a number of tactics to rectify the situation, including hesitating slightly before advancing to the beans and meat in order to convey your concern; staring intently at the other burrito in hopes of drawing attention to its incongruent size; and simply asking the Chipotle employee for a little more rice.

Witnesses at the scene are currently waiting for you to move down the line.

(article continues HERE, although this is pretty much all there is to the joke.)

12 Eyepatch Heroes Of The Day

From They forgot the man in the Hathaway shirt. And wasn't there a patch-wearing baddie in The Road Warrior?


Quentin Tarantino's parade of slutty Halloween costumes in Kill Bill reached its zenith with the lovely Elle (especially in "Nurse mode"). While she's good with the sword, she's bad with the balls: she loses one eye to Pai Mei, her martial arts trainer, and loses the other to The Bride (Uma Thurman) in a classically gory bit of QT magic.


After broken glass blinded him in one eye as a child, the ostentatious '80s rapper recognized the patch as both a trademark and another surface to bedazzle with zirconium. With heavily referenced hits like "La Di Da Di" and "Children's Story," we'd call him the best one-eyed rapper ever, but that's not really saying much (unless you're Bushwick Bill from the Geto Boys).


Although he defies death on the cult TV series several times, he fails to keep both eyes in his head, and also fails to let go of a live grenade, a move that quickly proves fatal (we think). Although a classic villain whose name references a 19th Century Russian anarchist, he is referred to by devoted fans of the show as, simply, "Patchy." Yes. That's all they could come up with.

SNAKE PLISSKEN (Escape From New York)

As Purple-Hearted U.S. Army Lieutenant gone nihilist badass Snake Plissken, Kurt Russell is the definitive hard case whether staring down Issac Hayes in Manhattan or shrugging off the world's most deplorable special effects in L.A. Russell would once again sport a patch as Captain Ron, but disappoints us by never once chucking a Chinese star into anyone's forehead in that trainwreck.

COMMANDER FRANCESCA "FRANKY" COOK (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow)

We've seen Angelina in a variety of fantasy-fueling outfits, but there's something about her uniformed, one-eyed Royal Navy ass-kicker that's 100-percent fetish-approved. This film dumps the sci-fi kitchen sink all over the screen (blimps, dinosaur-like creatures, flying robots, some Jude Law for the ladies), so why did it bomb? Maybe because she loses her eye instead of her shirt.

GENERAL CHANG (Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country)

Bonus badass points: Chang doesn't strap an eyepatch to his head—he bolts it to his fucking face! To prove Klingons are a civilized, if warring, race, Chang ends up quoting Shakespeare's Hamlet as a photon torpedo destroys his ship, even though he previously assasinated his former boss, Chancellor Gorkon, so thoroughly that not even Bones could revive the dude.


This British secret agent from the '80s cartoon series admits that he doesn't need the eye patch, but wears it because it's part of the suit and because he clearly understands its power. Although fluent in many terrestrial (and some extraterrestrial) languages, he can only muster the catchphrase "Good Grief!" which should have led to a cage match with Charlie Brown. Nevertheless, after a hugely successful run in Britain, the series made it to Nick at Nite, where it picked up yet another cult following of sugar-shocked American kids and nostalgic stoners.

PETE BURNS (Dead or Alive)

Hold on. We know what you're thinking, "Isn't this the disco pirate who infected us with 'You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) for most of the '80s?" And, well, you're right. But think about it—Burns would have been just another forgettable Rick Astley-alike if not for the trademark face decor. His songs and his hair said, "Hello, sailor!" His eyepatch said, "No, seriously, when do we set sail?"

EMILIO LARGO (Thunderball)

The one-eyed Godfather to anyone with the temerity to strap on a patch, Largo set the standard as SPECTRE Number Two in the Bond classic, Thunderball. All patch wearers are, at one point or another, placed against this atomic bomb-stealing badass. Mike Myers knew this, as you'll see in, well, one more entry or so…


Does wearing a condom on your eye count? Because it should. Initially explained as her super-important statement about practicing safe sex and taking personal responsibility, she went on to burn down boyfriend/Atlanta Falcons star Andre Rison's house. Thanks for the advice.

NUMBER TWO (Austin Powers series)

Rob Lowe/Robert Wagner shared duties as the young/old versions of Number Two in the Austin Powers series. The consigliere of Dr. Evil's empire, his dastardly eye patch has a doubly dastardly sight-enhancing camera, which allows him to cheat at cards. Frickin' villains: is there no end to their villainy?

PHIL KEN SEBBEN (Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law)

Formerly Falcon 7, the guy who would brief galactic superhero Harvey Birdman remotely, Charlie's Angels style, Phil Ken Sebben is now president of Birdman's law firm, Sebben & Sebben. Power mad, deranged, and fond of that "sissy European lisp thingy," Sebben proves that people will take anyone seriously if they sport the patch. Anyone.

Acid Trippy Music Video Of The Day: Mother Nature, Father Time

They clearly had better drugs in the 50s and 60s.

Btw, that's MOFM (blonde), Siress Yorkie (redhead), Courteous C (brunette) and Lefty (Father Time) in the vid.

From Seth.


Kid Funny Of The Day: Camp

On Sunday morning my daughter and I were playing with (go ahead and laugh) dress-up paper dolls. They came in a book that had 4-5 cardboard dolls and lots of various outfits you can mix an match for each. My child spent a long time on one particular doll, and then showed it to me.

"Look, Daddy, I dressed her all in red."

"Very nice."

"She's going off to Circus Freak Camp."

Classic Crank Call Of The Day

Wanda Sykes always makes me laugh. A classic from m m.


Goofy Celebrity Child Names Of The Day

A great idea from Dana. Some of these are worse than others, but hey, to each his own.

Goofy girl names

Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow & Coldplay's Chris Martin)

Blue Angel
(U2's The Edge)

Fifi Trixiebelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Pixie (Bob Geldof)

Caledonia (Shawn Colvin)

Camera (Arthur Ashe)

Moon Unit and Diva Muffin (Frank Zappa)

Sailor Lee (Christie Brinkley)

Puma (Erykah Badu)

Memphis Eve (U2's Bono)

Rumer and Tallulah Belle (Bruce Willis & Demi Moore)

Prima Sellechia (John Tesh & Connie Selleca)

Tu (Rob Morrow)

Reignbeau (Ving Rhames)

Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller)

Calico (Alice Cooper)

Lark Song (Mia Farrow)

Willow Camille Reign (Will Smith & Jada Pinkett)

Destry (Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw)

LaPrincia (Bobby Brown)

Heavenly Hiranna Tiger Lily - (Michael Hutchence of INXS)

Fuchsia (Sting)

Goofy boy names

Aja (Shania Twain)

Kal-El (named after Superman) (Nicolas Cage)

Banjo (Rachel Griffiths)

Audio Science (Shannyn Sossaman)

Aurelius Cy (
Elle Macpherson)

Bamboo (
Outkast's Big Boi)

Bow-Ty (50 Cent)

Dweezil and Ahmet (Frank Zappa)

Free (David Carradine & Barbara Hershey)

Jermajesty (
Jermaine Jackson)

Zowie (David Bowie)

Zolten (Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller)

Pilot Inspektor (
Jason Lee)

Racer, Rocket, Rebel and Rogue (
Robert Rodriguez). He also has a daughter, Rhiannon.

Freedom (Ving Rhames)

Denim Cole and Diezel Ky (Toni Braxton)

Seven Sirius (Andre 3000 & Erykah Badu)

Hud and Spec Wildhorse (John Cougar Mellencrap)

Atlanta (Duran Duran's John Taylor)

Thyme (Emma Thompson)

Indiana August (Casey Affleck)

Ocean (Forest Whitaker)

Jaz (Andre Agassi)

Messiah Ya'Majesty (rapper T.I.)

Vid Of The Day: Ryan Seacrest Is Brilliant

The contestant is blind. And Seacrest is rich and famous and we're not. Go figure.


This reminds me of my friend Burt, who worked in a music store and had a guy come in shopping for an organ. The dude was in a wheelchair and had both legs amputated below the knee, but somehow that didn't stop Burt from spending several minutes talking about the pros and cons of each organ's foot pedals. The guy left without buying anything, surprisingly. That's just how he rolled. But hey, there are worse things than putting your foot in your mouth. Like not having any feet to put in your mouth.


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