Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A complete list of Bart's crank calls to Moe's: the fake names and Moe's replies. From The Simpsons Archive.
BART: Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
MOE: Wait a minute... Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
BART: Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
MOE: Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!
BART: Uh, is I.P. Freely here?
MOE: Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely! Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
BART: Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
MOE: Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap. It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!
BART: Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz?
MOE: Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! Oh, wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
BART: Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
MOE: Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!
MOE: Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt. Oh, wait a minute...
BART: Uh, Hugh Jass?
MOE:Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
There is a Hugh Jass at Moe's; he takes the call
BART: Call for Bea O'Problem.
MOE: Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
BARNEY: "You sure do!"
MOE: Oh...it's you, isn't it? Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
BART: Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss?
MOE: Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
BARNEY: "Maybe your standards are too high!"
MOE: You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
BART: Ivana Tinkle?
MOE: Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!
At the school, as Moe substitutes for Mrs. Krabappel during the teachers' strike
MOE: OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present." Ahem, Anita Bath?
The students in the classroom laugh
MOE: All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
MOE: All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
Still more laughs
MOE: Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers
Bart is calling Homer, who is minding Moe's
BART: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie
HOMER: (excited) Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
BART: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger
HOMER: I don't get it
BART: Yell out "I'll eat a booger"
HOMER: What's the gag?
BART: Oh, forget it...
Bart sends a telegraph message to Moe's
MOE: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?
A large man turns and stares at Moe as Lenny and Carl laugh
MOE: Oh, do, that little, ooh... I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific!
Bart is trying to call the Counter-Truancy unit on a cellphone; the line sounds like it is crossed
JACK BAUER: Chloe, I need those schematics now!
BART: Who is this?
JACK: I'm Jack Bauer - who the hell are you?
BART: Me? I'm, uh, Ahmed Adoodie (pronounced "I Made a Doodie")
JACK: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoodie. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoodie?
CHLOE: Ahmed Adoodie - wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
CHLOE: No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up!
Bart laughs; Jack fires a gun at someone
Bart calls a bar named just "Bar" somewhere in Hawaii
BART: Aloha to you! I'm looking for Maya. Last name, Normousbutt.
BARTENDER: Hang on, I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt?
Bart calls "Crocodile Drunkee's" in Sydney
BARTENDER: I got a Drew P. Wiener here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener!
PATRON: Better put it down then, mate!
Bart calls "Inga-bar Beerman's" in Stockholm
BARTENDER: Ja? I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Olav? Attention, everyone; Olav Myfriendsaregay!
Patrons laugh smugly
BARTENDER: Wait a minute...if I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.
A great idea from Jilly. I apologize in advance for subjecting you to Elmo. I had hoped never to hear that voice again.
Happy Furry Monsters - R.E.M.
"Don't Know Why Y Didn't Come" - Norah Jones
James Blunt - Triangle
The Alphabet Song - India Arie
James Taylor - Oscar's Smiling Face
Dixie Chicks - No Better Letter Than B
Feist - 1, 2, 3, 4
Sugarland - All You Need Is A Song
Goo Goo Dolls - Pride
Funnies from Willie and Paul. Lots more at this link.
Juicy Beans. Come back next year for the follow-up study, Juicy Farts.
Do Video Games Affect You? No, not at all, Skull Hoodie Guy
Heh. No, who's your daddy?
The Right Wipe. It's the one that doesn't stop up my toilet.
Plants and Pop. Two things you would find in this kid's belly if you cut him open.
A study on college life
Power From The Throne. Now who wants ice cream?
The freaks start so young these days
I'd give him an A just for having the balls to wear a sweater like that to school
Dude, you missed the perfect title: Silent But Deadly
Something Smells Fishy. Could it be the gallon of Aqua Velva you slathered on for the big night?
An in-depth scientific study of... Hornets Basketball
Hot Dog Effects. The student is discovering another one in the bathroom at this very moment.
He only agreed to help her because he thought the project was "The Ideal Pancakes"
Project Of The Dork
Or, how to make perfect nachos when you're stoned and have the munchies
Yeah, you started this at 9 last night, didn't you?
Let's get you in the English Fair next year, fella.
Yes it is: the stench of suck.
Animal Magnetism. Every 14-year-old with a mustache thinks he has it.
A.k.a. The Red Bull Project
I see something that might make a bridge collapse
Crystal Meth: Friend Or Foe. I always admire the kids who tackle the really hard questions