Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Effed-Up Dream Of The Day: Dogs

The most funked-up dreams I ever have are ones that happen after I wake up too early and go back to sleep. It's almost as if your mind, angry at having been rousted too soon, says, "Oh yeah? Suck on this," then gives you some totally bizarre-ass dream to teach you a lesson. Like you wanted to wake up at 4:18 a.m.

The other morning we got a call about 5:30 from a neighbor who had our dog, Ginger. She keeps getting out of the back yard somehow -- I can't find a hole anywhere, so I guess she has learned to climb the fence, the little shit. If it weren't for my wife, I swear to God that Ginger would, at this moment, be wild and free in the North Georgia foothills of the Appalachian Mountains after I drove her ungrateful ass up there and booted her out of the car.

"You wanna roam?" I imagine saying as I raise my foot. "Then roam." Kick. Then I'd hit the gas and peel away with a sinister laugh, not even looking back in the mirror.

Of course, I would never do that. It's a fantasy, just like the one you have of duct-taping your children's mouths shut for 3-4 days or driving to the airport instead of home after work and hopping a flight to Tonga so you can go live by the beach drinking hard liquor from a coconut served by topless Tongan women who only live for two things: to make you drinks and give you blowjobs.

Anyway, I went and got the GD dog and then came home and went back to sleep, and I had a dream about -- surprise! -- getting new dogs. (Although a better dream would be having
no dogs.) In the dream, some thieves broke into our basement and stole all the dog food and a half-used can of Great Stuff. Naturally, I was annoyed that they made off with such a big haul right under the noses of our worthless dogs, who like to sleep down there, so we went to the animal shelter to get new ones.

At the shelter we tell them we want good watchdogs and no puppies, because we weren't doing the whole pissing-everywhere-whimpering-crate-training bullshit again at our age. The clerk says he has just the dogs for us, goes into the back room and returns with two full-grown German Shepherds. Perfect!

No, not perfect.

These dogs aren't right. One of them looks normal except for one small detail: his head is inexplicably blue -- a light blue, but blue nonetheless. Just his head. The rest of him is the usual coloring. Is it paint? The clerk just shrugs -- no idea. It doesn't look like paint or dye. He just has a blue head. Maybe he's a Shep-Smurf mix.

The other one -- and this is a bit disturbing -- has had some kind of surgery on his back, and has an incision running along his backbone from neck to tail. "He was rescued from a university testing laboratory," the guy says. "I don't know what they did to him but he seems fine now." Except that instead of being stitched up or stapled shut, the incision is laced up like a shoe, with what must be the world's two longest shoestrings. I'm talking white, fat athletic laces, criss-crossed down the length of an adult German Shepherd's back. He looks like a football or a walking corset, but, to his credit, seems oblivious to his unfortunate situation. Not me.

"What the hell is this?" I ask the clerk. "Why did they do this?" He doesn't know. "What if it rains? Water will get in there!" The clerk shrugs. Helpful chap.

The Mrs and I just stand there looking at this half-assed surgery and wondering what they are teaching kids at universities these days. Do we really want to take this dog home and have to deal with his laced-up back? Will it heal or will we be replacing shoelaces every few months? Where would we even buy these 4'-long laces? I don't think CVS has ones quite that long.

"That's the craziest shit I've ever seen," I say, shaking my head. It's silent as we all just stare at the laced-up dog. Then:

"I don't know." We turn to the blue-headed dog, who can talk. "I kind of like it."

End of dream.


  1. I've always had the most detailed, vivid dreams. Last night I had a particularly long one, but the part I most remember is watching as a very pissed-off looking Snow White ran around trying to catch Tinkerbell with a butterfly net. Have no idea where it came from, since the rest of the dream was something about the military.

    Seriously funny stuff going on in your brain Cary!!

    I keep having dreams about having another baby, even though I just had one 3 months ago. I wake up wanting another one. Then I go around for the rest of the day saying to myself, SHUT UP BIOLOGICAL CLOCK!!! I'VE ALREADY GOT TWO, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!?!?!

  3. What??? Blue-headed, talking German shepard with lace-up buddy -sounds like an average night in my dreamworld...

    I wish there was a way to record some of them b/c I would make a fortune. And I wasn't referring to the X-rated dreams either. I lead a very active, very colorful dream life, but this was entertaining, Cary!

  4. Four nights ago I dreamed that my dad was sitting in the living room dressed in leather with a rope tied to his penis, and he was asking people to pull it.

    That was after a combination of Excederin PM, cough syrup and some kind of sore throat drink.

    I'll take the dogs, please.

  5. That sounds like the kind of dreams I have on a regular basis. hehe

  6. Randy, therapy awaits.

    I don't dream too much anymore that I know of.

    When I was doing time in my first marriage, I had a recurring dream. I used to dream that my feet were stuck in the mud or glued to the floor and it was really hard to get anywhere.
    I got divorced and never had that dream again. True story.

  7. One morning last week I got up for work, showered, shaved my legs, got dressed, got my stuff together, and left for work. I needed cash for something at work, so I stopped by the ATM to get 40 bucks. So, when the ATM spits out my cash, it gave me a 26 dollar bill, and a 14 dollar bill. So, I'm standing there like "what the fuck????", trying to figure out what to do since the bank wasn't open, and i needed to get to work. So, as I'm standing on the sidewalk I think "MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!! This is a dream, and I am still in bed!!!!!!". So I woke myself up for real, and was highly annoyed that I had to do everything I "just did" all over again.

  8. You can remember your dreams?? Mine are very vivid and weird, but once I'm all the way awake I can't remember the plot. Or if I try to verbalize it, it comes out something like "There was this place, see? And these things were running around with giant hamsters on their heads, except they weren't really running,and they weren't really hamsters..."

    Useless. Too bad, too, because some of them would make great sci-fi books.

  9. Tongan women who only live for two things: to make you drinks and give you blowjobs.

    Note to self: Find out where Tonga is.

    Oh and about the dreams, I wish I had them. Haven't dreamed since I was 6 or 7 years old.

    And before someone chimes in with, "Oh you just don't remember them."

    I say, "Oh yeah, nearly three decades of not remembering any dreams whatsoever?"

  10. cam3709,

    Maybe your still 7 and this is all a dream...

    Hey it could happen.. you might be in a coma

    WV - clazing - initiation at clown school

  11. Tonga's in the south Pacific. Tahiti is probably a better place, but everyone says Tahiti and I'm trying to be unique. I'd still go to Tahiti, though. Breadfruit trees and whatnot.

  12. I dream way too much about bathroom stuff. I'm always trying to find a bathroom and for some reason they're never accessible. I have the dangdest time getting to them. Stairs that end before they get to the door; locked doors, or I have a key but it doesn't fit; I have to go thru a maze and can't find the bathroom. On occasion I do find the toilet but there's either no toilet paper or the thing is plugged up and overflowing. Now that I've written this down it seems way weirder than it did before.

  13. Ha, what an entertaining read! Tonga sounds fun.

    I was laughing about the dog with the blue head, but I admit that the surgically-altered dog bummed me out! Gross. :) Funny stuff though, and well-told! You're a great writer.

    Now no more chocolate before bed, ok?

  14. Cary: Fabulous detail and plot. Nice touch with the blue headed GS.
    I have long, elaborate, colorful dreams, but often the content is disturbing. Sadly, I know exactly where they come from and how they are triggered. I used to write them down; I may start doing that again.

    Cam: Either you simply don't remember them, because you are REM-ing too early in the night, or you have become Schizophrenic. I don't know you well enough to hazard a guess, but while Cary's Friends are "special," (myself included) I suspect we are for the most part sane. You decide.

  15. Why can't I book a flight to Tonga on Priceline? Where's William Shatner when I need him????

    Great dream, Cary.

  16. One of my favorite posts of yours ever. It's you, telling stories, AND you're talking dreams, one of my favorite subjects.

    I don't know what to say about the dogs except that's disturbing and funny as hell.

    **Karen - I have bathroom dreams frequently as well and they sound just like yours. I cannot find a bathroom or they are a maze or, more often than not, they are backed up and dirty and disgusting.

    Dream interpretation reads this as garbage in your head in waking life. I know what mine points to if that's the case.

    I have two other recurring dreams. I really need to write this on FB or my blog...

  17. Oh, which are 1) having gum in my mouth and not being able to get it out and it being this big sticky unwieldy wad. Shut up Cary. And 2) having telekinesis. I know what both mean I think.

  18. Yesterday morning I had a dream that Al Gore showed up at my backdoor asking, while winking, if I wanted to recycle. Luckily I immediately woke up but couldn't open the curtains all day.

  19. i love those kind of dreams. i also have vivid, wonderful and off the chain dreams. bright colors, bizarre goings on and always full of odd people. its kind of like tripping without needing drugs.

    i too wish there is way to record them.

  20. How does anyone sleep at night? I try too but it seems its the only time I finally have some effn peace and quiet to myself and I don't want to waste it on sleep.

  21. Thanks, all.

    Melissa - wad.

    Wendy - I laughed so hard at your dream. Wanna recycle? Wink wink.

  22. "I don't know." We turn to the blue-headed dog, who can talk. "I kind of like it."

    HA HA HA! :D

    About the only time I have dreams that wild while I'm sleeping is after taking Nyquil or some kind of cold medicine like that that wigs me out. As for wild thoughts I have while awake, that is quite another matter.

  23. You mean parents aren't duct taping their kids?

  24. I wish that sort of disgusting animal experimentation only existed in dream-world. I've never seen a laced-up dog, but the things I have seen are just about as bad.

    Anyway, crap. I should go untape my neighbor's kids.

  25. Best. Dream. Ever.

    My most recent effed up dream was about snapper colored tarpons that were 6 feet long and just rolling across the water while I stared in amazement. Then I somehow fell into the water and lemme tell you, it is not fun to swim with 6 foot long pink tarpon. No sirree! My boyfriend enjoys hearing my dreams - his favorite being about swimming cats.

  26. I've had some pretty messed up dreams. Lately, though, I just dream I am still at work and I don't know what I'm doing. Oh, wait..that's not a dream.

  27. I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living.

  28. So different now from what it seemed
    Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

  29. =) I was hoping no one would think I really meant that.

  30. HA! No, I didn't think that. Les Miserables--great work. :)

  31. I've noticed the same thing you mention, Cary - I have the most vivid dreams when I've awakened completely and then gone back to sleep - also, when I take a nap and actually sleep deeply enough to dream, and when I'm sick and am sleeping on and off.

    I also had a disturbing dog dream the other night. My geriatric dachshund was missing one eye and somehow the other one got gouged out too. I was crying and crying, not only because it was horrifying, but also because he's already almost completely deaf and now what the fuck was I going to do with him? I was very relieved when I woke up and saw that he still had both eyes in his head - they're cloudy, but he at least he sees better than he hears.

  32. GREAT dream. And you told it so well! I know dreams are supposed to have meaning but I think sometimes it's just random shit that gets jumbled amidst the neurons.

    I have a lot of dreams about my teeth falling out, not remembering my school locker combination, and being naked in public arenas. Sometimes all at once. Toothless, naked, and fumbling with a locker.

  33. Toothless, naked, and fumbling with a locker.

  34. Thank you so much for this. Makes my dream where my boss and the HR director were researching mental hospitals to have me committed seem normal.

    At least I think that was a dream...

  35. Last night I had a dream that Gary Oldman's character from True Romance wanted me to sell stolen Blue Ray players for him. I asked him a simple question and he punched me in the face, knocking out half of my teeth. He then sent Tupac and Kanye West to hunt me down. It ended in a huge gun fight. My dreams are a Tarantino film, apparently.

  36. Mitch Hedberg: I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

  37. I have recurrent dreams of huge waves falling over me and other assorted amounts of water always coming at me. I never drown though I'm completely aware that I can't swim. I dream most vividly when I'm extremely stressed as I am right now and I think it's unfair that when I'm so stressed awake, I can't find rest when I'm asleep.
    Oh, and also I dream of technicolor friendly zombies and other undead entities, and it's not scary.

  38. we had a german shepherd / husky mutt that could climb over a 6 foot chain link fence. we got her from a northern alberta indian rez (where the packs of dogs sadly killed a small child a couple of years back).

    that damn dog was unchainable, unfenceable, untamable and untrainable... but ultimately stoppable by a speeding truck. i miss her every day.



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