Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The 7 Least Convincing Movie High Schoolers Of The Day (And Possibly Ever)

From CollegeHumor.com.

There's a reason filmmakers rarely cast actual teenagers. Real adolescence is full of insecurity, change, stickiness, and other things no one actually wants to see on a big screen. Still, there's a fine line between comfortably post-pubescent and somebody's goddamn grandma.

Judd Nelson - The Breakfast Club



Movie Age: 17

Actual Age: 26

It's OK that Judd Nelson's classic bad boy looks a few years older than his naive peers. It's not OK that he looks like he's been drinking and smoking heavily for the past two decades. Through no fault of Judd's, the fingerless gloves and endlessly layered flannel all reek of a guy a little too old trying a little too hard.

Harland Williams - Sorority Boys



Movie Age: 25, if we're being generous

Actual Age: 40

Casting Director: "Sir, I'm sorry, we've sent offers to every comedian in Hollywood, no one wants to be in this movie."

Producer: "No one?"

Casting: "Well, the guy from Rocket Man's available, but, I mean, he's old enough to be these kids' dad."

Producer: "Fuck it, we're not making Citizen Kane here. Book him."

Richard Dreyfuss - American Graffiti



Movie Age: 18

Actual Age: 26

Thanks to a rare, Benjamin Buttons-esque condition, Richard Dreyfuss has spent the majority of his life as a fifty-five year-old man. So while it's strange to see him play high school, stranger still is that the film is a period piece, set a decade earlier in 1962 when Dreyfuss was actually finishing high school. With such quixotic casting, no wonder the only other thing on the director's resume is some silly fantasy movie.

Eric Christian Olsen - Not Another Teen Movie, The Hot Chick, Dumb and Dumberer, Fired Up



Movie Age: 17

Actual Age: 23-32

Story goes, an old gypsy witch was so infuriated by Olsen's performance in Not Another Teen Movie that she cursed him, dooming him to become that which he had mocked. (The witch was a big She's All That fan.) In any case, the irony came full circle this year, when 32-year-old Olsen played a vain high school football star in Fired Up, a non-parody version of the role that gave him his start almost a decade ago.

Stockyard Channing - Grease



Movie Age: 17

Actual Age: 33

Given the actual skills needed to be in a musical, it's understandable producers would want to cast more seasoned performers. However, not only was Channing aggressively attacking her mid-30s when the film came out, she was already on her second marriage. Singing/dancing? Yes. Remotely convincing teen angst? Not a chance.

Tom Hanks - Forrest Gump



Movie Age: 15

Actual Age: 38

If biopics like Ray and Walk The Line have taught us anything about historical figures, it's that, after puberty, they remain stuck in their early-to-mid thirties for their entire life, pausing only occasionally to don unconvincing old-age make-up. Despite his fictional status, Forrest Gump is no exception, going from young tyke to Robin William's Jack in one brace-shattering montage.

Shannon Elizabeth - American Pie



Movie Age: 18

Actual Age: 26

How outrageous is it that producers thought that, at the age of 26, Shannon Elizabeth could be remotely convincing as a Czech foreign exchange student? I mean, with her limited resume, what possible assets could she have brought to the-- ah, right.


16 comments:

  1. I like the line, "Richard Dreyfuss has spent the majority of his life as a fifty-five year-old man."

    HA! So true!

    Another one that comes to my mind that might be appropriate for this list is Drew Barrymore in the movie "Never Been Kissed."

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  2. I think we could safely add all the characters in Porky's. But damn! that was one funny movie.

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  3. I just looked at the MSOTD.
    That's the hairdo my mom had when I was still suckin' nips!

    Great caption for the Engrish pic.

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  4. I looked once, I think EVERYONE in the cast of Grease was at least 30.

    Like Curtis Armstrong said..."I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy."

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  5. Shannon Elizabeth? That bitch.

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  6. But Drew Barrymore's character was a twenty-something pretending to be a teenager. I though it was meant to be sarcastic that the kids at the school didn't realize she was an adult. Plus, she has one of those faces that make people look younger until they are extremely wrinkled, Like Michael J. Fox.

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  7. T-Ro said...

    I just looked at the MSOTD.
    That's the hairdo my mom had when I was still suckin' nips!


    So that's like last week, last month at most, right? :-)

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  8. hehehe.
    the nips I'm sucking these days have no nutritional value.

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  9. Samsmama said...

    Keep it clean, T-Ro!


    My do you have a dirty mind.

    T-Ro and I are just talking about something totally harmless.

    Dirty dirty girl you....

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  10. My apologies, Cam! Unfortunately I suffer from an extreme case of Dirty Mind Syndrome.

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  11. That's all right, mama.

    At least you're not suffering from Dirty Sanchez Syndrome.

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  12. HEY NOW!!! I resemble that remark!

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  13. "How about Drew Barrymore in E.T.?"

    That drunk?

    ReplyDelete

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