Onion Story Of The Day: Awful Man Offers Wit

Don't you hate people like this?

From The Onion.



AWFUL MAN OFFERS WITTY, ACERBIC TAKE ON EVERYTHING HE SEES

June 20, 2009 | Issue 45•25

ROCKVILLE, MD — Local resident Alan Bower's particular brand of sardonic, no-holds-barred commentary about everything around him has firmly established the 31-year-old policy writer as an absolutely terrible person who is always ready to crack a joke, sources reported Monday.

According to friends of the modern-day Oscar Wilde, Bower has a singular knack for sucking every last bit of genuine enjoyment out of any situation with his hilarious, nonstop incisiveness.

"Alan is a really funny guy," said civil engineer David Finestra, 30, whose slightly eccentric clothing choices are a favorite target of Bower's biting analysis. "His sense of humor takes some getting used to, but nothing gets past him. Who knew someone could go off on a Kmart billboard for 25 minutes? But that's just Alan for you."

"Man, and if you're already having a bad day, and then you spill the tiniest bit of beer on your shirt, you'd better look out!" Finestra continued. "That's good for at least four or five scathing comments from Alan. The guy never stops. Ever."

Though Bower's lightning-quick, whip-smart criticism occurs without pause, brother-in-law Peter Ulster, 34, said the deft ironist still manages to surprise those who know him by expertly dismantling their enthusiasm from an inexhaustible variety of angles.

"With Alan, you never see it coming," Ulster said. "You'll be discussing something you really enjoy—like, say, surfing or whatever—and you think he's engaged and agreeing with you, and then bam! He pulls the rug right out from under you with a spot-on remark about how it's a pretty feeble attempt to recapture one's long-past youth. He'll get you every time with that one."

Other acquaintances indicated that shooting blistering one-liners at any person he comes in contact with is just one of the ways in which Bower can always be counted on to ruin a good time. Longtime friend Stephen Rosenthal said that dogs, infants, films, and even inanimate objects are never safe from Bower's hilarious assessments.

(continued at The Onion)

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