Thursday, May 21, 2009

Redneck Words Of Wisdom Of The Day

(Yes, another rerun. Sorry. I have a big deadline at work that's kicking my arse. New stuff soon, I promise)

A few entries from, a site that invites readers to submit their favorite redneck sayings.

He'd bitch if you hung him with a new rope.

Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.

That boy is about as sharp as a cue ball.

You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.

I'm bowed up like a Halloween cat.

He's ridin' a gravy train on biscuit wheels.

Madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire.

He's so stupid, he couldn't find his ass with both hands.

Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

That'll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter.

Nuttier than a squirrel turd.

As easy as herding chickens.

Tighter than a skeeter's ass in a nose dive.

I'm so hungry, I'd eat the balls off a low flying duck!

She's wound up tighter than the girdle of a baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.

He's as useful as a tit on a boar hog.

Nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.

You got to be 10% smarter than the equipment you're runnin'.

Hornier than a two peckered billy goat.

Her ass was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.

Busier than a cat covering up shit on a concrete floor.

His pants were so tight if he'd a farted it'd blow his boots off.

Heavier than a dead preacher.

She has two speeds. Slow and stop.

That smells like the shithouse door of a shrimp boat.

Duct tape is like The Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I'm so hungry, every time I swallow my asshole says thank you.

Well dip my balls in sweet cream and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens.

Busier than a one armed monkey with two peckers.

Her jeans are so tight, you can see the veins in her ass!

That means about as much to me as a strawberry up a bear's butt.

Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut!

Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?

He has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

That dummy’s always got both ass-cheeks wrapped around his ears!

Busier than a cucumber in a women's prison!

He was drunker than Cooter Brown on the 4th of July.

My sister's soooo ugly, my mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her!

I felt like a monkey trying to do a math problem.

Don’t push it, or I'll slap some schtuff on your head ajax won't take off.

His gal is so fat they hire a rodeo clown to distract her when she’s grocery shopping.

I feel like a bag of smashed assholes.

Smoother then a hairy nipple on wax day.

His family tree looks like a totem pole.


  1. Cary,

    This post brings a tear to my eye and the fond memories of the old home place....sniff sniff....

    Here are a few more that I grew up with and use on a regular basis.

    "They are slower than smoke off dog shit."

    " You can want in one hand and shit in the other; see which one fills up first."

    Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest."

    " it was raining so hard, it was like a cow, pissing on a flat rock."

    more to come later as I remember them

  2. Finer than a frog hair split four ways.

    Slicker than owl shit.

    So hungry I could eat a skunk wrapped in tar.

  3. I want a Sperman shirt.

  4. It ain't perfect but it's bettern' a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

  5. HA! Those are great.
    My two favorites, "You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle,"
    and "That'll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter," because they made me think of my sons. :)

    Cary, you are such a tease with your t-shirt of the day. I clicked on it, all set to order one, and it is no longer available.

  6. Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn every once in a while.

    That's my favorite line ever.

  7. He's so buck-toothed he could eat briars through a picket fence.

    She's so ugly she'd make a train take a dirt road.

  8. Slicker than shit out of a goose.

  9. Here's one I use often (told to me by a redneck plumber):

    "That'd go over like a turd in a punchbowl"

    I've gotten a lot of mileage outta that little gem. I actually used this one on my Facebook status:

    "I feel like I was rode hard and put away wet"

    Picked that one up from a gal that lived in West Incest, PA.

  10. " You Sick? YOu look like hammered dog shit.

    " She's been around so much that you would ahve to tie a 2x4 on across your ass to keep from falling in."

  11. Maybe a rerun, but I don't remember it. Good stuff.

    I liked, "Nuttier than a squirrel turd."

    Daisy, I wondered if you had the TSOTD.

  12. My favorite has always been, "I'll tell 'em where the bear shits in the buckwheat." But I don't even quite get it. Why would we care where the bear shits in the buckwheat, and why is he in buckwheat in the first place?

    Hmmmm... I want a blackberry wheat beer now. Oh, oops, is this thing still on?

  13. Frank, yes, I do have that one already, but my supervisor saw me wear it to work the other day, and now she wants one too. I wanted to order one for her as a surprise, but I guess they are sold out. :D

  14. He's so stupid he couldn't get water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

  15. Dumber than a bag of hammers.

  16. I've heard these when I worked construction:

    • I'm busier than a one legged man at an ass-kickin' contest.

    • Hell, he's windier than a bag o' assholes.

    • I'm as nervous as a whore in church.

    • (begin any retort with) " I Tell You What!"

    • He ain't very good, but he sure is slow.

  17. I am from cousins husband said this last Thanksgiving- "I am so hungry I could eat the ass out of a menstruating cow". It was so gross, Grandma almost had a stroke yall.

  18. One of my favorites comes from my uncle, after eating a big meal:

    "I'm as full as a tick."

  19. I remember my mom and Granny using the "Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya" on several occasions. Usually when we were bugging them to go outside and play, LOL

  20. My dad is from western PA, not the South, but he uses SO many of these. Some others he uses:

    Slicker than snot on a chicken's upper lip.

    I feel like I've been drug through a knothole backwards (when he feels poorly).

    Colder than a well-digger's ass (if it's super-cold it's colder than a well-digger's ass in January).

    Colder than a witch's tit.

    Busier than a one-armed paper hanger (he also uses the one-legged guy in the ass-kicking contest, too).

    He also uses a variation on the tits on a board hog one; his is "useless as tits on a bull."

  21. My goodness! Having only uptight and unimaginative Yankee relatives, and then being raised in Northern California, where we all sound like Peter Jennings (RIP, Peter), I never had the pleasure of acquiring these colorful phrases into my vocabulary.

    I worked with a guy who used to say "let's mildew on over to the Marriott" and "I don't have a dog in that fight" and "that's gonna screw the pooch if you do that" - so I'll probably forever hear his voice in my head at times like these!

  22. I had a friend who used to say, "I wouldn't fuck her with your dick and your brother pushing."

  23. This one was on Jay Leno last night, courtesy of Willie Nelson:

    "If you're gonna have relations with a farm animal, you better pick a horse because if the date goes badly, at least you have a ride home!"

  24. I use these two quite a bit:

    "Lost as lasy year's Easter Egg."

    "He/She/It/They are as crazy as a run over dog."

    "I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire in the middle of the road."

    Looks like you got quite a collection goin' on there, Cary. LOL

  25. Oops..that would be three... I added the last one at the last minute LOL

    Seriously, ya'll I really can count LMAO

  26. She looks like nine miles of bad road.

    He could fuck up a one car funeral.

    Sweatin' like a whore in church.

    Cuter than a box of puppies.

    Can't stick one finger up his ass using both hands.

    Swole up like a dog tick.

    Tighter than a rusty lug nut.

    I'm so broke I can't pay attention.

    if it cost a nickel to shit I couldn't even fart.

    Yep...I'm a southern boy. :-)

  27. She's so skinny if she lost two more pounds she'd fall through her asshole and hang herself. -Medlin

  28. My dad has a million of these and they have always stuck with me... some of my favorites:

    "He's crazier then a shit house rat" (I think he stole this one from the movie Stand By Me though"

    "his nose is so big he could smoke in the shower"

    "he was runnin' faster then a cat in a room full of rocking chairs"

  29. Scope, I'll see your "sweatin' like a whore in church" and raise you a "sweatin' like a whore on nickel night." :)

  30. @Kari...nickel night made me lol.

    Two more that come to mind...

    She ain't real pretty but she don't sweat much for a fat girl.

    He's so ugly he'd scare a buzzard off a gut wagon.

  31. Rockman,

    I honestly thought my Mom made this one up:

    " You can want in one hand and shit in the other; see which one fills up first."

    She said it all of the time, and it never made sense to me...still doesn't.

    Tamy (in Indy)

  32. "I'm gonna beat the tar outta you!"

    "She looks like she was rode hard and put up wet."

    "Shit fire!" (an exclamation used when excited about something)

    Oh, yeah, and the ever-classy, "Hey, sugar-tits!"

  33. Scope, I knew a guy in England who said that, only with a British twist:

    "You don't sweat much for a fat bird, love..."

    Imagine that in a Yorkshire accent. And that was his chat-up line. Jeebus.

  34. I couldn't help but giggle at some of these. I have heard several of them over my life as a southern girl.

    One of my favorites is
    She's/he's wound tighter'n a banger strang (banjo string....for a really active child)

    a few others
    Happier'n a tornado in a trailor park

    if I eat another bite I'll pop like a tick.

    She done fell out of an ugly tree and hit every stick on the way down.

    My mom told my sister one time to shut her mouth before the flies blow her guts LMAO...she had bad breath

    Nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

    Raining like pouring piss out of a boot.

  35. My mother used to tell me:
    I'm gonna smack both you eyes into one.
    I'm gonna come in there and beat you like a red-headed stepchild.

  36. If Dad didn't like something he used to say- I wouldn't have that up my ass if I had room for a sawmill.

    Her ass was 2 axe handles wide.

  37. He's lower than a snake's ass in a wagon wheel rut.

  38. sweatin more than a blind lesbian in a fish market

  39. Sexier than socks on a rooster.



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