Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Euphemisms For Crazy/Stupid Of The Day

A great idea from Toledo, who writes, " How 'bout a list of phrases to describe someone who is not quite all there?"

We start with Toledo's own collection:

One taco short of a fiesta platter (or combination plate).
A few screws short of a hardware store.

A few cards short of a deck.

Two fries short of a Happy Meal.
One twist short of a slinky.

A few threads short of a sweater.

One sandwich short of a picnic.

A few bricks short of a full load.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few Fruit Loops shy of a full bowl.

A few shades beyond blonde.

A few watts short of a light bulb.

A few Bradys short of a bunch.

A few pecans short of a fruitcake.

A few gunmen short of a posse.
A few bits short of a byte.

A few marshmallows short of a bowl of Lucky Charms.

One accordion short of a polka band.

A few kernels short of a cob.

I found more on L'Internetz:

A beer short of a six pack.
A brick short of a load.

A couple of eggs shy of a dozen.

A couple of gallons short of a full tank.

A few ants short of a picnic.

A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few bricks short of a pile.

A few bricks short of a wall.

A few cards short of a deck.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

A few of sheep short of an orgy.
A few peas short of a casserole.

A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce.
A few trucks short of a convoy.

A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner.

A pepperoni short of a pizza.

A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
About as bright as a burnt-out 20 watt light bulb.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

An intellect rivalled only by garden tools.

As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory.
As much use as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.

As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

As quick as a tortoise on Prozac.

As smart as bait.

As useful as a screen door on a submarine.
As useful as a wooden frying pan.

As useful as tits on a bull.

Body by God, Mind by Mattel.

Bright as Alaska in December.
Doesn’t have both oars in the water.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.

Dumb as a corn cob.

Dumb as a stump.

Dumber than a bag of rocks.

Elevator doesn't quite make the top floor.

Fell out of the family tree.

Fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Four quarters short of a dollar.
Goes surfing in Nebraska.

Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons.
Got a full 6-pack, but not the plastic thingy to hold it together.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

He played too much without a helmet.

He’s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut.

He's got a leak in his think-tank.

He's got a mind like a steel sieve.

He's got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground.
He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

He's so dense light bends around him.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

His cheese has slipped off his cracker.

His porch light ain't on.

If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.

If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted.

Isn’t firing on all 6 cylinders.

Isn’t firing on all thrusters.
Kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
Knitting with only one needle.

Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine.
Mind is in neutral, body is in gear.
Mind like a rubber bear trap.

Needing a few screws tightened.
Not firing with all spark plugs.

Not the brightest light in the harbor.
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
Nutty as a fruitcake.

On/off switch is stuck in the off position.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

One tit short of an udder.
One turbine short of an airplane.
One wave short of a shipwreck.

One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Requires directions to lay sod.

Room temperature IQ.

Running about a quart low.

Running on empty.

Sharp as a bowling ball.

She couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.

She's not tied too tight to the pier.
So dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye chart.
Strong like bear, smart like tractor.
Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

The elevator is stuck between floors.
The lights are on, but no one's home.
The wheel is spinning but the hamster's dead.

Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window.
Too many yards between the goal posts.

Two hub caps short of a Buick.
Warning -- objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby.

You can't call him an idiot, you'll insult all the idiots in the world.

Know any more?


  1. As fucked up as a football bat.
    As fucked up as a box of coat hangers.
    As fucked up as Chinese arithmetic.

    Pardon all the fucking.

  2. The picture of Paula was a really nice touch!

  3. A french fry short of a Happy Meal

  4. not the sharpest tool in the shed

  5. I have more I need to think of, as these sayings are a passion of mine, but here are a couple:

    A few shades shy of a watercolor.
    Not the biggest bud in the bong.
    Not the wittiest whale in the water.

    and my sister's go to:
    Not the sharpest shoe in the closet.

  6. My most commonly used are Anon's above (tool/shed) and:

    Not the brightest crayon in the box.

  7. My Dad's favorite: When brains were being handed out in heaven, he thought they said "trains" and didn't want to take a trip.

    My husband's: Too dumb to pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel.

  8. Smama - thanks. I can't think of a better poster child for crazy.

    All good additions here.

    I like "About two drummers short of the Doobie Brothers."

  9. The missing link in the evolution of man....

    Two toes short of a camel

    The bees are buzzing, but the flower ain't in bloom.

    but hey, I'm a Biologist :) and a huge nerd.

  10. How about:
    Dumber than a box of hair

    or my father's personal favorite:

    As useless as tits on a barracuda

  11. As fucked up as a box of coat hangers.
    That is wicked-ass funny Kari!!

    The two I use are:
    Useless as tits on a nun
    Dumber than a bag of hammers

  12. My fathers favorite is : Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass..."

  13. how bout "doesn't know his/her ass from a hole in the ground"

    or "doesn't have the sense God gave a rock"

  14. My uncle's favorite, directed at my cousin: "You must be twins, cause one kid can't be that stupid." This was when my cousin flushed the toilet as my uncle was IN the septic tank, working on it....

  15. On the day that I made a visit to a former place of employment, they were having a blood drive. I used to give blood every time they came by, but the last time they visited, when I was there, I was sick and couldn't donate. That donation would have put me at the one gallon mark.

    Anyhows, I mentioned this to one of the guys I went to lunch with, and when we returned, we went downstairs to donate. He told the blood drive lady that I was, "One pint short of a gallon."

    "That's not a very nice thing to say," she retorted.


  16. Dumber than a doorknob gets plenty of play 'round here...

    I'm going to be laughing at "The wheel is spinning but the hamster's dead" all day!

  17. Apologies if these were there and I missed them:

    All hat and no cattle

    and my dad's usual:
    He's a nice boy, he just shits a little too close to the house.

  18. The village called. They want their idiot back.

  19. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

  20. carolyn, dumber than a box of hair is one of my all-time favorites!

  21. I know a few people who have rips in their marble bags ...

  22. okay i CANNOT stop laughing at some of these...my stomach hurts and i am crying....this is a hoot !!!

    Betsy ^^^ fucking dying laughing.

  23. Woodwoman we must be related! I heard both of those from my grandfather. Another favorite: "If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea."

  24. Here's a few of mine:
    *Don't have the sense God gave a mule
    *Got a few screws loose
    *The lights aren't all on upstairs
    *Dumb as a post
    *Makes Paris Hilton look like Einstein
    *All the chickens got out of the coop

    1. 13 bagels short of a dozen
      19 cents short of a paradigm
      31 centimeters short of a foot
      37 inches short of a meter (or yard)
      51 (or 107) cards short of a full deck
      101 cents short of a dollar
      450 grams short of a pound
      999 bytes short of a kilobyte

  25. Prairie Girl says:

    My dad heard these ones in Texas. I'm not exactly sure what they mean but I'm pretty sure they apply.

    "He's a good ole boy, but he's a watermelon" (pronounced wadamelon)

    "He's an armadillo"

  26. My favorite, "He has a few empty boxcars on his train of thought"

  27. The burger's missing from her happy meal.

  28. ten pounds of crazy in a five pound sack.

  29. My personal favorite:

    "Nuttier than squirrel shit."

  30. From "King of the Hill" (Hank talking about Dale Gribble):

    You're putting undue pressure on a structure that's already not up to code!

    And from Col. Potter on MASH:

    He couldn't find his ass with both hands and a map!

  31. Josh - that's my favorite, too.

    Although I'm digging the KOTH one Marianne just added.

  32. Didn't think anyone would get my grandma's "He can't find his ass with both hands"! Good stuff!

    She was a big baseball fan and also said "He doesn't know his ass from 3rd base."

    And why has no one referenced The Jerk and "shit, shinola"?

  33. He's got a full six pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

    He has dilutions of adequacy.

  34. fidiot (f*cking idiot)

    the village called, they want their idiot back

  35. During a Louisiana governor's race some years back, the charismatic challenger described the honest-but-dull incumbent this way: It takes him an hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".

  36. I know I'm late to the party, but here in the South, we sometimes like to say "His biscuits ain't quite done."

    (Immediately followed by "Bless his heart.")

  37. OK to go with the fidiot thing:
    Ignoranus (stupid a**hole)

    I've also always liked "Cute like a stomach pump."

  38. My favorite has always been:

    Not the brightest cookie in the crayon box

    (or if you wanna go the other way)

    Not the brightest crayon in the cookie jar

    :] hehee

  39. Heard this one today:
    "If brains were wool, she couldn't knit leggings for a canary!"

  40. These are all euphemisms for dumb. I want to add more about crazy. I like the "box of coat hangers," above.

    How about: "Toys in the attic."

    "Truly gone fishing."

    "They must have taken my marbles away."

    -- All from Pink Floyd, The Trial

  41. The gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train's not coming.

  42. One bubble shy of plum



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