Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey Of The Day

Two dozen of my favorites.

24) Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words, mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

23) If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

22) I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

21) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

20) If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

19) Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

18) Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?

17) If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

16) To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

15) I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

14) It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

13) If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

12) When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

11) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

10) If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

9) I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

8) To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

7) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

6) One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

5) If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

4) It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

3) If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

2) If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

1) If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

All material copyright by Jack Handey


  1. are you kidding me? I LOVE Deep Thoughts! I love them all...but a true favorite is:
    Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done

    1. My favorite is:

      When you die, if you get a choice between regular heavan or pie heavan, chose pie hevan. It may be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmm boy.

  2. Sick, sick in a good way. Every one is better than the last. I LOVE these and agree with jessica o. Phil Hartman ruled.

  3. Number one is my favorite, too. That gets me every effing time.

  4. i fucking LOVE jack handey. gonna have to steal this idea, too...

    my favorite is #7. i love to criticize!

  5. Steal Away, MOFM. I stole the idea from you in the first place.

  6. Still miss Phil Hartman. One of my faves is "The face of a child says so much. Especially the mouth."

  7. The Sears Tower thing doesn't work. I've tried it.

  8. #2 is my all-time favorite. Thanks for posting these! :)

  9. Yes, Phil Hartman was great. These little gems are my favorite kind of funny. Now I can walk around smiling this morning and people will REALLY wonder what is up...

  10. #9 and this gem are my favs:

    "Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going."

  11. These aren't by Phil Hartman. They're actually written by Jack Handey, who is alive and well. (Seriously).

    My favorite: Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk

    1. Yes, you are right. Jack Handey is an alias for Al Franken.

  12. LOVE #17, and also agree with Another Amy with the shark one.

    Another favorite: "I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."

    DT was always one of my favorite SNL bits!

  13. "I believe in making the world a better place for our children, but not our children's children because I don't think children should be having sex.

  14. Uncle Caveman!!!!!! ahahahahaha

  15. Thanks for posting those. I miss deep thoughts. Reading those just improved my crappy day.

  16. Glad you all like them.

    Wish I had written them. They are brilliant.

  17. I have always loved the sacks one. There's also a great one about a vine man, but I am too lazy to go find it.

  18. #6 is my favorite of all time.

  19. When I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I were an ant, and she fell on me? Then it doesn't seem so funny.

  20. I always loved: "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time for no good reason."

    Ha Ha.... huge Jack Handy fan.

  21. Love these! One that I can't live without is, "The crows are calling my name," thought Caw.

  22. I loved te one that goes "if you ever drop your car keys in a volcano, just forget it
    Man, case they're gone"



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