Tuesday, January 27, 2009

QOTD: Kids Say The Funniest Things

What's the funniest thing your kid (or anyone's) has ever said to you?

I was inspired by something hilarious that Mandy just told me, and I hope she'll repeat it in a comment here.

Speak.



119 comments:

  1. Once I had to have minor eye surgery and wore a patch for a day. My then 4-year old was upset to see it even though she had been prepped beforehand. When I assured her my eye was fine and the patch would come off soon, she said, "Good, because that was my favourite eye to look at."

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  2. "Remember the talking hand on TV? We ate its food..."

    My daughter, age 7 or 8, telling me what she had for dinner at a friend's house.

    It took me several minutes to realize she was talking about Hamburger Helper.

    That was probably 18 years ago and it still cracks me up.

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  3. "I have a rash in my leg-pit."

    So I think, um, hmmmm..... Arm, armpit. Leg, legpit. Ack! Crotch?!?

    Turns out it was behind her knee. :)

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  4. We told my second son, who was almost three, that the reason mommy's tummy was big is that we are going to have a baby and the baby is in there.

    He looked me over and, in all seriousness asked, "Is there a baby in your butt, too?"

    No but that got bigger too, kid, thanks for noticing.

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  5. When my now 14 year old son was 6, he desperately wanted a sibling (we wanted another child too, just didn't work in the timing we planned). Anyways, one day out of the blue he informed me "mommy, you need a new husband so you can have another baby"
    It broke my heart and made me laugh all at the same time. Happily though, 6 years later he finally got his sibling, with the same husband I might add LOL

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  6. Just this morning we were at Walmart and my 3 year old pointed at the bras and said, "Those are for mommies."

    "Do you know what they're called," I asked.

    "Boob holders!"

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  7. My youngest son was about five years old and was not getting his way on one particular day.
    Out of frustration he screamed "Thats it! I'm packing my bags and leaving. I'm taking my life with me too!"

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  8. Liz, I'm going to laugh all day about the talking hand and eating its food. Just had to say, that kills me.

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  9. One night when our son was five, he "sleep-peed" (i.e. sleepwalking and then peed in the living room corner). At dinner the next night I mentioned it and he was adamant that he didn't. I told him, that I saw his little "wee-wee".

    He promptly stood up on the chair to announce he didn't have a little wee-wee, but a big one!

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  10. Many years ago my (then) 4 year old son was in my room while I was getting dressed. He asked me why I had a mustache down there. I'm still laughing.

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  11. Not able to get a scrap of privacy, I was in the bathroom when my 3-year-old walked in and caught me inserting a tampon. I told her to wait in the other room, and I would be out in a minute. She didn't mention it and I thought she had forgotten all about it until that evening at dinner when she asked me why I was putting a candle in my winky.

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  12. These are hysterical. Lovin' it.

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  13. I recently had to have a couple of dental crowns put on, and in an effort to get my four year old to brush his teeth better, told him that unless he brushed really well he'd have to have his teeth fixed one day like mine were. We were in Wal-Mart so I could buy some soup to eat because my mouth was sore and as we were checking out, he loudly announced to the cashier and everyone in hearing distance, "Mommy doesn't brush her teeth very well! Mommy didn't brush good enough so now she has to eat soup!"

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  14. My husband, my 6-year-old (at the time) son and I were watching the Food Network, and my son announced, "Alton Brown's a good cook, just like Hell." My husband and I looked at each other, and I said, "Who's Hell?" He said impatiently, "You know, Hell! That guy on 'Hell's Kitchen!'"

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  15. My one year old had a dirty diaper the other day. I changed it, and handed it to her dad to throw away. He threw it away and then came back to the living room. Five seconds later, so did she, and she handed the dirty diaper right back to him. She put both hands on her tummy and was doubled over laughing. Then she started clapping for herself and the fine joke she played on dad.
    One day on the way to school, my son told me that his imaginary friend was getting on his nerves. You gotta hate it when that happens. ha ha
    -Confusia

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  16. This isn't the funniest thing she's said, she's always saying funny things, but my three-year old, when I asked her how her bath felt temperature-wise, said "about 80 degrees"

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  17. I was saying good night to my son who at the time was 3 yrs old (now 5) one night and I told him not to "get all huffy puffy w/ me" about something I had said.. shortly thereafter I sighed and he said "Don't get all huffing puppy at me mommy!!"

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  18. We were eating fried chicken one day when my kids were asking me what each piece was called. I explained that this was a leg and this was a wing and this was the thigh etc. My son who was about 4 picked up his piece and said what is this one? I said that is the breast. He then proceeded to peel off the crunchy skin and said well I don't like this bra part.
    I about fell off my chair laughin.

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  19. I was having lunch in the mall with my 4 year-old daughter. A man with a HUGE gut came and sat a few tables away. I wanted to crawl under the table when I heard my daughter exclaim loudly, "WOW! Look at the belly on THAT guy!"

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  20. My pleasure Cary, here goes...

    My daughter: I'm going to get rid of you.

    Me (amused): How are you going to do that?

    My daughter: I'm going to put tape on your back and throw you on the ceiling so you'll stay there forever.

    I was laughing too hard to be angry.

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  21. Dang...double post!

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  22. My girls said lots of funny things when they were little, but just the other day, my 16 yo and I were talking about our puppy, and I said his time at our house was growing short because her dad wasn't a fan of the dog. Lily promptly replied in all seriousness, "Yeh, well...we're not big fans of Dad, and *he's* still hanging around."

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  23. My nine-yr-old was talking about how we divide the work around the house. She said, "Daddy washes the dishes and takes out the trash and changes diapers and feeds the dogs and folds the laundry." I said, "Wow, that's a lot. what do you think I do?" She chirped, "You take naps and pay for stuff."

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  24. Just yesterday I was babysitting my 2 year old niece. She announced that she had to make poopy in the potty. So we went in and as she was doing her biz i grabbed the wipes in preparation.

    "What are those for?" she said.

    I said "When you are done, I am going to wipe your bum!"

    Then she looked at me and said, "I love you!"

    OK, not so hilarious, but damn cute.

    This is also the same child that when I yell "Guns n' Roses!!" starts to air guitar and make a butt rock face.

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  25. There was a lady behind the counter somewhere, i forget, but she had a huge mole on the side of her nose...my daughter, so lovely, points at her face and says "look, booger"...I almost fainted...

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  26. Um, hard to choose the funniest but one of my personal favs happened after my 3 yr old son went poop. He told me: Mommy look when I go poop my belly grows bigger...he calls his penis his belly. 3 yrs old and noticing the boners.

    A good one from the 5 yr old happened the other day. As I was dropping her off at school I ended an argument by telling her I guess she really didn't know everything. 4 hours later when I picked her up from school she recited some worthless fact that impressed me and she said, "See I guess I really do know everything" Irish temper on that one.

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  27. These just keep getting better and better. Thanks, everyone. Great stuff. Keep it up.

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  28. Seth D, what is butt rock face?

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  29. Yeh, well...we're not big fans of Dad, and *he's* still hanging around."
    Bwhaaaha - so funny, I had to quote it. That is hilarious CC!

    No kids of my own, but my mom told me that when I was little, we were in the grocery store and I pointed at a black man standing nearby and said, really loud, "DADDY!" Parents (and me, coincidentally) are white = FAIL.

    These aren't enough make me want to have kids of my own to produce entertaining stories, but they are utterly hilarious nonetheless, and I thank everyone for sharing them.

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  30. My fave: My daughter was in pre-school, and when I came to pick her up one day, she was with one of the teachers, and let out a very loud fart. Mortified, I sternly told her, "What do we say at home when that happens?" She didn't miss a beat, "Mommy, can you smell that?" I couldn't help bursting out laughing, and at least the teacher did too!

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  31. Wendy in RI:

    Best example I can find:

    http://lib.ru/SONGS/lee/tenyear4.jpg

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  32. When my daughter was about 3, we were both in a stall in a crowded bathroom at McDonald's (why do kids always have to use public bathrooms?). She used the toilet first, I got her situated, then I went to use the toilet... as I was sitting down, my daughter said, very loudly, "MOMMY, WHY DO YOU HAVE FUR ON YOUR FRONT-BUTT?"

    I got very sympathetic looks and laughs from the other ladies in the washroom.

    Also, about a week ago, I was tickling her (she's 5 now) and she was laughing madly... suddenly she yells, "Mommy, stop! I HAVE ISSUES!!!!!"

    Not yet, kid, but you're mine, so you will. Oh yes, you will.

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  33. When my son was little my mom always referred to our cat as a pussy-cat. My son picked up on this and started saying it also, which drove me nuts. I constantly told him to stop saying it just say CAT or kitty cat. He had no idea why, I had just told him that pussy-cat was a silly word.
    Once when he was about 4 or 5 he had a friend over and the mom was dropping her son off and the cat ran into the room. "Oh look" she said "you have a pussy-cat!"
    To which my son responded "Don't say pussy in my house my mom doesn't like that word." I'm surprised she let her son stay.

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  34. My daughters were 4 & 2 and were playing dress-up. While looking for dance costumes the older one (Leah) said to the younger one (Brittney) "I have my leotard, where's your brittneytard?" I guess she thought they were named after whoever was wearing them!

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  35. My son was 'helping' me paint; so I was explaining how he had to put on old clothes for painting so his new ones didn't get ruined. He thought about it for a moment, went away, and came back outside wearing nothing at all: "See, I won't get anything dirty now!"

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  36. I went to pick my 4-year-old son up at daycare and he came out of the bathroom with his pants down to show me his penis was red and had a small rash..
    When I asked what happened he told me "I don't know. I was tickling it at naptime and then it got a rash."

    My beautiful, towheaded 2 year old daughter who looks like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth uses the work "fuckin" all the time. I can thank my youngest brother for that.

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  37. when i took my 5yrd nephew to his soccer match on a saturday (after a huge party were i lost my walet) he ask me what was in my walet i told him my driver license, we stop at a gas station and he screams to one police officer ! my uncle drives with out license!!!

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  38. Maxman just this morning said to my hubby, "I really like to poop. I like hearing the splash, and it feels good when I'm done."

    YIKES.

    I had a friend back in England whose daughter one day got into a brand new box of panty liners and stuck them all over the house. She thought they were great, and asked her Mummy, "What are these called?"

    Her mum said, "Erm...knicker stickers" for lack of a better term.

    Then she had to go through the entire house taking them down because she was having a bible study that afternoon. They were going to watch a video, so she opened the video cabinet, and there, squarely in the center of the telly, was a panty liner.

    There really was no explaining it.

    ---

    Max refers to his willie as his Doodad. He was watching my hubby take a shower one morning and piped up, "Daddy, why do you have a fluffy doodad and I have a naked one??"

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  39. good stuff here, folks.
    Crackin' me up.

    My son was five, not even 2 weeks into kindergarten. He goes to a parochial school so they have prayer time where you're supposed to be silent and pray to god.
    Well, my son was clowning around and the teacher chides him a little and he doesn't stop.
    Teacher: Rhett, please be quiet now, it's time to pray to God.
    My son: Dear God, my balls itch.

    Guess who got to meet the principal?
    His mom and I could not keep a straight face when he told why we were there. We really tried!

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  40. Oh, here's a gem from my son:

    When the Summer Olympics were being broadcast from Athens a few years ago, I thought my son would find it funny to learn that in the original ancient Olympics, the men competed in the nude. Instead of laughing, he looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "well I suppose they would have had to make their private parts all blurry on TV!"

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  41. This wasn't said to me, but it is still hilarious.

    My sister commented one day that it was her boss's birthday. My niece (who was then 3 or 4) looked at my sister with a very confused look and then said "Today is NOT Daddy's birthday."

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  42. One day my mom and I took my kids and went to Hobby Lobby. Bubba almost 5 and was trying to be his usual helpful self, by running up and down the aisle trying to help me pick out yarn. I finally got frustrated and put him in the shopping cart. I didn't realize he was a little big for the cart til we got over in front of the fabric dept (which was FULL of little ole ladies). Please keep in mind Bubba only has two volumes: loud and louder.

    Bubba: Momma!
    Me: Yes, Brannon (totally exasperated)
    Bubba: This buggy makes my nuts hurt!

    At this point, every old lady in the place was laughing and walking away. As were my mom and my teenage daughter. I guess the look I gave him was pretty scary cause at that point he said, pointing at himself, "Not THOSE nuts, but you know, nuts like on a tree!" Of course by now I was laughing just as hard as everyone else and needless to say Bubba doesn't ride in shopping carts anymore! And he got some major points for such a good save.LOL

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  43. when my son (who is now 23) was around 4 years old he ate something that didn't agree with him.

    He ran into the bathroom and a few seconds later called "Mom, Mom, come here quick! My butt just threw up!"

    He had never had diarrhea before.

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  44. This weekend my son wouldn't stop torturing the cat, eventually we heard the tale tell screams of a kid that got his ass kicked by a declawed cat.

    He came crying to me and I asked what happened and he said Fuzzy punched me in the eyeballs

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  45. When the US Airways plane went down in the Hudson, the little girl on the plane said, "The plane turned into a boat, and it's not supposed to do that!"

    My 4 year old eats carrots, but only if she can dip it in lite ranch dressing. She authoritatively tells us, "I'll eat carrots, but only if you have that DIP!"

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  46. Not a funny, but still hits a chord with me to this day...

    I had a relative who died of cancer. At the funeral, a story was told how the young grandchildren had been told about how Grandma had died and was now in Heaven, like a star in the sky. The child replied, "Grandma isn't a star, she is the Sun!"

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  47. When my son was about three, he was playing with a brown fuzzy caterpillar that he had found out in the garden. He brought it to me and said,

    "Look, Mommy, this worm is wearing a sweater!"


    Another one, a few years later when my son was about six, my in-laws were visiting. My husband was looking all over the house for something (I don't remember now what it was--his keys, his glasses, his wallet,his cell phone, whatever. He goes through the same routine every day before he leaves the house trying to gather up all his necessary gear.) I was in another room unaware he was searching for something. Finally, he sent our son to ask me where the lost item was. I told my son exactly where the item was, and he retrieved it for his dad. My father-in-law was impressed that my son knew where to find the item. My son said, "No, I didn't know. Mommy knew. That's why she's the boss, because she knows where everything is."

    Thirteen years later, my father-in-law still reminds my husband every chance he gets that "Daisy's the boss because she knows where everything is."

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  48. Oh and my daughter calls hush puppies yummy balls lol

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  49. A guy I had been spending time with for well over a year was coming over to my friend's house. Her daughter (5 at the time) fawned all over him when he would visit. I told her that her boyfriend was coming over.

    She looked at me, cocked her head, and said, "He's not MY boyfriend, he's YOUR boyfriend...you're just in denial."

    Ouch.

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  50. Mom, 4-yo Niece and I were sitting at the breakfast room table when Sister (Niece's mother), dropped something in the kitchen.

    "Dammit!" Sister said.

    "Sister," Mom said, "Watch your language around Niece."

    "Not s'posed to say 'dammit,'" Niece said.

    "That's right, Niece," replied Mom.

    Niece continued, "S'posed to say 'shit!'"

    (Names have been changed, even though they're not that innocent.)

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  51. "No, I didn't know. Mommy knew. That's why she's the boss, because she knows where everything is."

    Can I get a HELL YEAH, Ladies???

    My daughter has made similar comments, because my husband is unable to find his own rear with both hands, even if you gave him a flashlight and a map.

    PS it's my husband's birthday today.

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  52. I've read every single one of these, by the way, and I'm laughing my fool head off at work.

    THANK YOU FOR THIS CARY! AND THANKS EVERYONE FOR SHARING YOUR STORIES!!! :-D

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  53. Husband? Husband?? HUSBAND???????

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  54. After picking my son up from school one day, he was telling me how they were discussing want they wanted to be when they grew up in class that day. He was recounting all of the ambitious career choices that the other children had made during their discussion. SO I asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up...after a long thought he announced "When I grow up, I want to drive to Lorenza's (his cousin) house all by myself". I am sure he will get a little more ambitious with age *crosses fingers*

    One time will visitng my sister, she had asked me to inquire her son on who is BEST friend is...
    Me: Hey Bubba who is your best friend?
    Bubba: Smiling...being bashful and looking down
    Me: Oh come on Bubba who's your best friend?
    Bubba: grinning...not saying a word
    Me: *in my best Auntie sweet pea voice* Who's your best friend sweetie...who is it?
    Bubba:Pointing to his penis..and wearing a proud grin "he is my best friend*
    In shock and unsure how to answer, I then looked at my sister, who was hysterical and pretty proud of herself. I then replied "You got that right kid...you got that right"

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  55. I used to work at a summer day camp located at a large regional park at which there was a huge playground structure surrounded by chipped wood bits. One day, a camper limped over to me and stated that he had a woodchuck in his shoe.

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  56. Audra-"eventually we heard the tale tell screams of a kid that got his ass kicked by a declawed cat"

    i laughed so hard i had tears running down my face!

    i almost wish i had kids so i could contribute but this is awesome! keep them coming!

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  57. My husband and I took my 4 yr old sister in law to the mall and we grabbed some corndogs while we were there. So we were sitting and eating our lunch when all of a sudden, she shouts, "Hey! There's a HOT DOG in here!" Hahaha.

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  58. I have soooo many to choose from, but....
    my four kids and i were chatting over dinner years ago, and in an effort to be a somewhat-good mother I asked them all what they were looking forward to when they were a grownup.
    Katie (9) said she wanted to drive wherever she wanted.
    Sam (6) said he wanted to stay up late.
    Grace (6) said she wanted to be able to eat dessert before her dinner.
    Max (4) said, in all seriousness, that he was looking forward to cussing.
    I started to say something and he cut me off by saying, "just saying damn it or shit, mom. Not fuck."
    I almost had heart failure trying to stay serious enough to tell him that wasn't nice.

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  59. "Dear God, my balls itch." Hilarious!

    My 4 year old and I ran an errand in freezing temps yesterday. When he got out of the car and saw his breath he exclaimed, "Mama, I can see my clouds!"

    And about a week ago he informed me, "I'm thinkin' Arby's."

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  60. Just had a preschool conference for our 4 yr. old (yeah, I know, he's 4). The teacher's a little concerned: Singing a song about shoveling snow & what you can uncover... when it was our son's turn he shouts out "a body".

    We laughed. The teacher, she's ready to have him in therapy.

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  61. Oh Frankie, don't worry, he's just my 'real life' husband... I'm completely devoted to you otherwise... :-D

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  62. Whew! That's good, TBB, because I became another victim of the financial crisis today, and losing you would've just put me over the top!

    Today's a good day for this QOTD, that's for sure. Funny stuff!

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  63. OMG, TonyRo and Audra in particular had me in stitches. Thanks to all of you - I've had my "aww, aren't they cute?" child fix and now will return to being happily child-free.

    But gawd, these are great. Whew.

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  64. One summer at a cabin we rented my 7 year old son was standing on the porch while myself and my friends were sitting on the beach enjoying the sun and drinking a glass of wine when my son yelled out that he needed new water shoes cuz his were wrecked. I answered back that he didn't need new ones because there were numerous other pairs in the cabin that he could use and it would be a waste of money to buy more. He promptly replied with a "well if you didn't drink wine we could have money to buy more shoes!"This produced much laughter and hooting from the other girls with me!


    Little bugger.........

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  65. Listening to great music one day, "we are the tampons, my friends..."

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  66. A couple of weeks ago I switched our TV to Deal or No Deal. I noticed that my three year old was really getting into it. Really excited if the person on TV got excited and really sad if they didn't do so great (signaled by me saying bwaaaa bwaaa bwaaaaahhhhh). Anyway, it got to th point where we could just say "Deal" and she would start cheering. "No Deal" and she totally deflated. We've been getting a lot of milage out of this one since then.

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  67. I age 4 I announced I was running away. As I walked out the front door my father, who had survived many of these threats before, asked if I wanted to pack any clothes. I tuned around and yelled NO!. Then as I walked down the driveway he asked if I wanted to take any food with me, again NO! Upon reaching the street I turned around in mid gotta-go dance and pause. My dad asked me if I wanted to use the bathroom before I left and I yelled "NO! I'm just holding my vagina!"

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  68. Recently driving from my Aunt's to my parents (less than a quarter of a mile) my 3 and a half year old niece inquired, "Aunt Heather, do you know where your going?"
    I said "of course". She said "How?" I said "because it's just down the road". She says "we're not going to get lost?" I say "no way". She thinks for a second then says "Your going to get lost. You don't have a GPS"

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  69. I'm the same mother who has the son who threatened to run away at 5 yrs of age "and take his life with him."
    I also remember when he was newborn and we were having breakfast one morning. My oldest son said "Oh look, the garbage man pulled up. Can't you throw him out now?"
    By the way, Hi Cary!
    Jill from Fresno

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  70. My ex was changing clothes to swim trunks at the rec center in the family changing room. My daughters were with him.

    My 4 year old, who understands what her private parts are called, didn't realize daddy's parts are different. When she caught him changing she gasped and said, "Daddy, your vagina looks like a lollipop."

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  71. My boy is 5, here are some of his gems:

    We had our friends over one night, their little girl is Reid's best friend. When they arrived, Reid was having some *ahem* potty issues to put it delicately. He gets constipated sometimes and has a heck of a time when this happens, we usually have to take a few attempts before he can actually go.

    We're eating dinner and he still hadn't been able to produce, and was wriggling in his chair trying to find a comfortable way to sit. In the words of James Lileks, he got a call from the basement that a delivery was on the way. All the sudden he makes this sigh/grunt sound and says "Uuuuuugh, my butt is trying to kill me."

    --------------------------------
    Reid: I don't want to be scared to death. Is death nice?

    Scott & I: (confused mumblings, shrugs & general confusion on what to say, which we never came up with before Reid started talking again)

    Reid: I think he's nice. I'm going to be his best friend and call him Dave.

    ----------------------

    Mom, you are going to look at this picture I drew and say "OH-EM-GEE."

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  72. I love these and can't stop myself from sharing more lol. I am nothing if not convinced my kids are hysterical to everyone.

    So I was telling my 5 yr old daughter that she had better find the controller to the 360 when my 3 yr old son cut in and said. "No mommy you say "HANNAH FIND THE GOD DAMN CONTROLLER NOW"

    Silly rabbit where could he have ever heard that?

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  73. When my 12 yr old son was 2 1/2, he brought out his little shopping cart, informed me that he was "going chopping". He would need "a few bucks". I gave him 3 pennies, he put on his big sister's coat and proceeded to the front door. All of a sudden, he stopped, smacked himself on his forehead, looked at me and clear as a bell, said, "Well, shit. I forgot my purse!"

    I thought my husband was going to die laughing.

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  74. you guys are KILLING ME today! great stuff. i particularly enjoyed the one re: the fuzzy peepee vs. the naked one...
    and, well all of audra's stuff because there's nothing funnier than a toddler who curses. i should know!

    also, i only have 42 seconds to comment since my kids require food for dinner...

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  75. sorry - just checked - it was SiressYorkie and it was FLUFFY DOODAD. sorry, been reading these things all day and just now commenting. carry on.

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  76. Cursing kids ARE funny. I remembered another one. When my son was about a year a half old he left the L out of clock which resulted in cock. My brother thought this was freaking hysterical and made him say it a million times. He would ask him is it a big clock or a little clock? So cute to hear your baby saying Uncle Pete has a big cock. But we did laugh our asses off.

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  77. After my nephew was propositioned by Audra's daughter with a picture of a diamond ring and promises of love and marriage...I later followed up with a confirmation question:

    "So Jacob are you going to marry Hannah one day?"

    in which he replied

    "But Harmony...I love the whole world"

    Don't hate the playa...hate the game.

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  78. A few years ago we were on vacation and I picked up Twisted Sister's Stay Hungry on CD. On the cover it has Dee Snider gnawing on what appears to be a large animal's leg bone. We listened to it in the car while traveling.

    A few days later, on our way home, our daughter, then four, asked my wife, "Mom, do you like the bone?" My wife was flabbergasted. I, of course, knew she was referring to the album cover.

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  79. I drive a school bus for a living and one day we had a lot of drivers out of work due to the flu. I was covering another gals route and had her pre-schoolers. It was a sunny day and I was wearing my sunglasses and they're kind of dark. One adorable little tiny boy got on the bus and as we were riding along he looked at my monitor and whispered, "Is she blind?"

    I have to say, these are all hilarious. What a great idea this was...good job Cary!!

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  80. "Well, shit. I forgot my purse."

    Oh, crap that's funny

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  81. when I as expecting my 2nd baby, I asked my then 3 year old if he was wishing for a boy or a girl, and he said "I wish we were having a baby dinosaur."
    I would have been MUCH fatter if that were the case.

    My 2nd baby is now 2, and when he tries to sing Funky Town, well, you can imagine what it sounds like.

    Kids are so funny.

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  82. My nephew, then 12, came home from football practice and told my sister that his pecker muscles hurt. When she picked herself up off the floor, she asked him to show her where it hurt.

    He pointed to his chest and said, "You know, my pecker muscles! From doing pushups!"

    To this day we crack up every time we hear the word "pectoral."

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  83. I think I have a year's worth of taglines to use now. Holy crap, these are funny.

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  84. One more and I'm done...

    My 4 year old saw his baby sonogram picture, studied it, then asked, "I only had one arm?" I had explained it was a picture of him in my tummy. He pondered that, then said, "Ya, it was GROSS in there."

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  85. A few weeks ago, I was dining out with visiting family. I leaned over to my 4-yr old nephew to ask him some perfectly innocent question (about the menu or something). This boy, a normally somewhat shy, somewhat coy little guy, looks me square in the eyes, and sings:

    "DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME?? DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WERE A FREAK LIKE ME?"

    (I couldn't breath for the next 5min, I was laughing so hard!)

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  86. Several years ago my nephew, then about 3, couldn't say his Ks. They always came out as Ts.

    Our cat recently had babies....
    And my real name is Becky.

    So one day when he came over, he walked in and yelled, "AUNT BETTY! DO YOU HAVE TITTIES!?? CAN I PLAY WITH YOUR TITTIES!??"

    I told him they were outside. :)

    Now it's a family legend.

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  87. When I was pregnant with my first child, I was going for the ultrasound, and we told my 4 year old niece that we were going to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl.

    My niece asked how they would know. I told her they put a special camera on my belly and the Dr. would be able to see the baby.
    To which she replied "So the Dr. will look to see if the baby has long hair or short hair, and that is how they will know if it is boy or a girl?"

    Not wanting to be the one to have to explain the actual difference, I just said yes. Luckily we were having a boy, so there was no questions about why he had short hair!

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  88. When my oldest daughter was three, she thought her butt was broken. It took me a long time to convince her that it was just her butt crack!

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  89. my 4 year old had picked into his ear and had some wax on his finger. He wanted to know why he had peanut butter in his ear. We still laugh about it

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  90. I just took my 14 year old to the movies tonight. She got in the car and asked if we were going to go see MILF. When I asked her what she was talking about she said "You know, MILF. The movie about the gay guy." I guess I should be happy she doesn't know what MILF really means, but poor Harvey Milk - still no respect!

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  91. My four year old daughter to me: What's for dinner?

    Me (jokingly): Poo sandwiches, with a pickle on the side.

    My daughter: But I don't like pickles.

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  92. When she was somewhere around 3, my daughter (who I thought was the only one to call it a "front butt") tells me as we're driving home that her butt is ticking.
    I nearly ran off the road laughing. The ticking butt continued to plague her off and on - especially when she could announce it really loudly in Kmart or something, but never seemed to be too serious, so I kind of ignored it, and she eventually got over whatever she was trying to describe.
    I've asked her lately - she's almost 17 - what the hell she was talking about back then, and she claims (surprise!) to have no memory of it.

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  93. Here is a transcript of an actual conversation between my 10-year old daughter Beebie and me that took place last night in the car.

    As the curtain comes up, we have just left the bank, and Beeb has a lollipop in her mouth, with her lips closed around the stick.

    Beeb: Hey, Mom, look... I'm smoking.

    Me: Hey, Beeb, I'm not laughing. That's SO not funny. I mean it. I better not EVER see you smoking, or I will be SO furious! Smoking is really, REALLY bad for you. I know you know that. I've talked to you about it and I know you've talked about it at school.

    Still Me: Remember when I showed you that picture of a healthy lung and a lung of somebody who smoked? Do you want your lungs to look like that?? I don't even want to see you pretend-smoking. Ya hear me??

    Beeb: Don't worry, Mom. I promise, I'm NEVER gonna smoke.

    Me: Well, good.

    Beeb: No matter how drunk I get.

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  94. Ooh mercy, these are great.

    My younger cousin B is 6 and recently her mom had emailed me to inform me that at breakfast that morning, B sat down and matter-of-factly told every one that she would no longer be eating whipped cream because it gives her too much ear wax.

    When I was much younger and doing something naughty, my mom would tell me to stop because I was being a bad example to my brother. One day I was doing something and my brother Jake (probably 2 or 3 at the time) saw me do it, right away he yelled out "Mom!! Kelsey's being a bag of apples!!!"

    Everyone in my family talks rather fast, and so consequently it's easy to mistake phrases. Some of the funnier ones from when I was younger (all are song lyrics..)

    Feliz Navidad ---> Please Feed the Dog (this was done at a Kindergarten Christmas performace...)

    (The Bananas in Pajamas Song) "..catch them unaware" ---> "catch them underwears!!"

    I'm sure my mom could tell me hundreds more if I were to call her, but I'll just let her add them when she reads this =)

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  95. When my daughter was about three, she started getting interested in naming her body parts. Stupid me, I followed all the advice and gave her the proper medical terms. It seemed like no big deal at the time.

    A few days later, we met my husband for lunch at a crowded, busy restaurant. When the friendly waitress came over to take our order, my daughter stood up in her booster seat and announced to the entire restaurant:

    "I have a vagina!"

    Ever heard a restaurant go dead silent? That's what happened.

    Now that she's a teenager, every time she tells me I'm embarrassing her, I threaten to stand up and announce the same. It shuts her up fast.

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  96. When my son was about 2, his bedroom window faced the neighbor's side yard. They had several homing pigeons. One morning, my son woke up kind of early. I went into his room, where he was standing in his crib, looking a bit dazed and confused. I asked him why he was awake so early. He said:
    "The penguins woke me up!"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    When he was learning to talk, he was able to say "kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty" really well. Of course the cat never responded to it, but that didn't stop him. Awhile later, as he was learning to talk better, we were trying to get him to say Becky (his aunt's name). For the longest time, it came out "Beckittykittykitty!" We still call her that to this day.

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  97. Oh my god..to be able to threaten to stand on your chair and yell about your vagina!!! Every mother who has a teenager would be lucky to have such leverage.
    I worked with military kids for years, and in the military, people tend to be married earlier than in civilian life. One of the 5 year old girls was really worried one day about my relationships.
    "Miss S, how old are you anyways?"
    "I'm 23, Katie, why?"
    "Do you have a husband yet?"
    "Nope."
    "Not even a boyfriend?"
    "Nope."
    "Hmmm. Well my dad is already married, but you can marry my dog!"

    Wow.

    Another fun one: When my twin nieces are done eating something, they will tell you "No, Thank You, I'm full of that."

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  98. There was a little nativity play when the oldest boy was young - all the kids were 2-4 years old; my son was an angel. Apparently the boy who played the Innkeeper had really wanted to be Joseph.

    At the big performance, when they got to the Inn, that little Innkeeper looked at Mary and said "You, I've got a room for" [looking at Joseph} "And you, you can fuck off." Priceless.

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  99. A few months ago, I was in the kitchen, elbow-deep in making dinner. The kids were at the other end of the house, fighting. After I got sick of listening to it, I yelled back "B, quit pissing your sister off!!!" Without missing a beat, he yells back "She's pissing herself off!"

    I was somewhere between feeling like a total ass for using that language to talk to my child and laughing hysterically.

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  100. Because of my daughter, I have had to change my driving habits.

    When she was between 2 and 3 years old, we took her shopping with us. As we were pushing the cart down the aisle, the lady in front of us stopped to get something out of the freezer. My angel turned quickly and , at the top of her lungs, yelled "MOVE!! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!", just like she had heard me do so many times before. We wanted to walk away and abandon her but we stood there and took our punishment.

    On the trip home from the store, I learned that you could drive home at sub light speed. Sometimes I feel like I am driving on ludes now.

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  101. Oh, man - we've all got a bunch of funny kids, don't we?

    When my son was little, he showed us where the term "hopping mad" came from - he would literally jump up and down when he got mad enough. One time, the hopping was accompanied by this declaration: "Daddy, I'm upset! Will Bezerra is UPSET!!!"

    He also used to refer to his testicles as "penis eggs." So cute!

    Another time he told me he thought the song we were listening to on the radio was about a robot "because she says she wants to turn him on."

    My daughter is 14 and mildly autistic, and she says things that crack us up all the time. A few years ago, she made one of her typically blunt comments and my husband laughed about he liked that she was so honest. Our son asked what honest meant, and my husband replied that that meant Rachel didn't lie. Rachel told him, "no, I lie sometimes" in a very matter-of-fact tone of voice.

    We often have to try to keep from laughing out loud at the things she says when she's mad. Recently, we asked her to load the dishwasher, which apparently she hates doing. She threw such a fit that we felt like we had to follow through and make her do it, and she did, but only after telling us it was a felony to make her load the dishwasher. Another time, we noticed her light on pretty late and told her it was time to go to sleep, to which she replied, "I'm won't go to sleep! I'm never sleeping again!" My husband cracked, "Oh great - she's really going to be crabby tomorrow..."

    Recently my friend's older daughter was warning her baby sister away from touching the dog's private parts: "No, that's his penis! Penis is ew!" Words to live by...

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  102. Oh lord- I was teling the kids about this post last night and we were laughing so much! Sam said, you should post about the time Grace said....
    So she's about maybe 3? And I was mad about something. They wanted to know what was wrong. I just said that this other someone was really pissing me off and it made me sad.
    Grace came over, patted my leg and said,
    I'm sorry mommmy. I only want you to be pissed on.
    Man, my kids have bad mouths :)

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  103. ok I wanted to share 2 more that happened when my son was 3...

    we're pulling out of a gas station pulling a boat behind us and a man pulls out in front of us out of turn and almost causes a wreck.. my then 3 yr old son looks at his daddy and proudly exclaims "that's a jack ass ain't it daddy!!!"

    then i am pulling into the station to get some gas one day and a car slams on it's brakes ...here's the conversation from me and my 3 yr old

    Me : AAGGHH!! you...

    Nathan: say it mommy say it

    Me: say what sweetie

    Nathan : Say "you dumbass!!"

    guess my road rage has rubbed off

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  104. When my niece was little she had a bad habit of wandering off in stores. She would always return momentarily but her grandparents wanted to teach her a lesson.

    One day they were in the toy section of a store and she wandered off to look at a barbie or something.

    Her grandparents quickly hid, and watched her when she returned.

    Quickly she wandered back and looked around.

    "Grandma? Grandpa?"
    She put her little hands on her little hips.

    "Grandmaaa? Grandpaaa?"

    Still, no one came.

    "Well sum muh mah bitch!"

    Grandma and Grandpa fell to the floor laughing over that one...

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  105. My mom was out shopping with my brother who was about three. She was carrying him and shopping bags, and a man held the door for her. My brother, being raised with manners, said to the guy, "Thanks, ya goddamn democrat!"

    Must have been an election year.

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  106. My 13-YO daughter knew what the talking hand's food was before I explained it to her LOL!

    My nephew was about 3 & my sister was participating in this YMCA Christmas decoration home tour thing. People would travel from house to house to eat hors d'oeuvres at each one while touring the house to see the decorations.

    Well, there was a very heavy woman going up the stairs really slowly & my nephew was behind her. He gives her a hearty double-palmed ass smack & yells "MOVE IT, BIG BUTT!"

    My 5-YO son put a baseball cap on his head & asked me "Do I look cheap, nice, or colorful?"

    Just this Christmas my son saw a big Santa figure, like the kind that has a real beard & clothes, etc. He was feeling all the different things on it, then said “This is a difficult Santa, but he has a wonderful shirt.”

    I love the "Shit, I forgot my purse!" These are all awesome!

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  107. ok seriously, the 'huffing puppy' made me laugh out loud!

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  108. My husband and I were watching American Idol at the weekend, our 3 year old came in and heard the name of the show, and asked if Barack Obama would be singing. American, American president, surely that's all he does. Although I'm impressed that my Irish 3 year old knows that much about global politics.

    Same kid was with my brother watching football. My brother got frustrated with the game and called the player a wanker before realising the impressionable ears were beside him. He turned to my little fella and said that was a bold word, I can say it because I'm a big boy, you can't curse. Thus ensues a "yes I can!" "No you can't" argument between the pair. I believe my son won with "Yes I can, you bastard".

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  109. When I was 5, and my little brother was 2, we were shopping in Kmart and my mom peeked in his diaper to see if he was wet. I peeked too, and announced loudly "MOM - HIS PENIS IS SHRINKING!!"
    My cousin, who had recently discovered that adults have pubic hair pointed to a man in shorts with very hairly legs and said "Hey mom, I bet that guy has hair on his butt!" (This was also in Kmart; what is it with my family and embarrassing ourselves there?)

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  110. My daughter was 3 and we had recently been babysitting my baby nephew, Xavier. We were at a children's science museum and they had a little play hospital with real-looking baby dolls, most of whom were boys. My daughter shouts out "LOOK MOMMY! THIS BABY HAS GIRLIE PARTS JUST LIKE XAVIER'S!"
    **********************************
    When she was about 4, my 80-year-old mother moved in with us. I was proud that my kid was such a good (not picky) eater and was stressed out because my mom is the opposite. My kid piled "sparagus" onto her own plate and offered some to gramma. Gramma said "Yuck, I don't eat those smelly things" and my brilliant daughter said:

    "But grandma: trying new things is part of growing up!"

    **********************************
    Around that same time, we discovered that old ladies fart a lot - a LOT lot! Also, my mom was completely deaf in one ear and had 85% loss in the other. One day, getting up from the dinner table gramma hurried out of the room with a trail of "green smoke" behind her. My husband said to my daughter "gramma should say 'excuse me' should she?" and daughter replied . . ..

    "Grandma thinks since she can't hear her toots that nobody can!"

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  111. my mom is a school bus driver and often times drives for the disabled kids. one day a young boy with mental disabilities gets on the bus with the back of his hand limply against his forehead and says, "buss dwiva it feels like somebody stole my brwain" it took all my mom had to hide her laughter.

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  112. A lot of our family's stories are based around the kids' mealtime shenagins. Apparently, I was the one who had supplied a plethora of verbal gems. Here you go:
    When my maternal grandma asked whether I'd like a tunafish sandwich, I answered that I'd have the tuna but no fish.
    Another time she asked if I'd like some peaches. I answered, "No!" and she, trying to instill a semblence of manners, asked, "No what?" To which I responded, "No peaches!"
    Finally, we had a meal at the same grandma's house. In addition to our family, my dad's parents were in attendance. I dug into the ham and cheesy potatoes that maternal grandma mad, turn to her and stated, "Grandma, you make WAY better food than my other grandma." Yeah, other grandma never really got over that one. Oh well, I was SO the favorite of my maternal grandma, may they both rest in peace.

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  113. My nephew (2 at the end of february, this was in december) gave me a wooden heart and i asked him: "Lukas, what is this?", so he took it back, turned it upside down, waved it next to his behind and proudly said "POPO!!!" (word for butt in Germany)
    i couldnt stop laughing, it was soooo cute...

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  114. My son was 3 and taking a bath. He was noticing himself and promptly told me "I have treasure in my penis"

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  115. My husband said that to me last night, actually...

    ;)

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  116. in the same vein as the little girl in the restaurant saying I have a vagina.

    I was watching my 4 y.o. nephew so that my sister-in-law could prepare her house for a party and he was just learning the difference between girls and boys. He had just learned the words vagina and penis and asked me if I had a vagina or a penis i said I was a boy and that boys have a penis. Well he seemed content and we had a fun afternoon at the park and no more was said. We get back and the house is full of guests and he marches straight up to his mom in front of everyone and yell "Uncle Steven has a penis!"

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  117. Sitting in Old Navy with my nephew waiting for his mom in the changing room...

    This woman comes in with her baby in a stroller. My nephew (4 yrs old) looks at the baby then looks at me. "Tia Ashley that baby's UGLY huh?" The woman totally heard him. I laughed and dragged him away.

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  118. LMAO These are great!

    One of my Aunts would always give my brother pretzels when she saw him. When he was at church and when my brother finally saw my Aunt he yelled out "PRETZEL PLEASE" in the middle of church! Everyone looked at him like he was going to hell! No wonder why he is so obsessed with pretzels in his older age!

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  119. When my niece, Alicia, was little (she is now 18!), she was having trouble saying the word "band-aid". She called them Dan Daves. We tried to emphasize the first letter by saying "B-ah", "B-ah", "Band-aids", but she just kept on saying "Dan Daves". We repeatedly said "B-ah", "B-ah", "Band-aids", and she finally got this really frustrated look on her face and said "B-ah B-ah Dan Daves", and we just laughed, gave up, and called band-aids Ba Ba Dan Daves until she was about 11 when she then asked us to stop!

    Sigh.... what a cutie!

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