The stereotype lives on.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Buying gifts can be a pain in the ass, especially for rich people who buy everything they want themselves, and don't particularly need a pet rock or slippers from you.
"Oh, now" they'll say, "You don't have to get a me gift. I don't need anything."
"REALLY?!" I'd like to reply, my eyes lighting up. "Cool," I'd answer, then I'd fist-pump the air with a "YES!" as I walked away.
But I can't. I don't want to be the only jag-off who comes to Christmas empty-handed.
"Where's your gift for Uncle Roderick, Cary?" someone would undoubtedly ask as they surveyed the loot under the tree.
"I didn't bring one."
"What?" I'd say with a shrug. "He said he didn't want anything."
Heads would shake. Eyes would roll. I'd be banished to the kids' table.
Anyhoo... if you have someone like that on your list, here are a few inspired gift ideas that might get you removed from the "Gift Expected From" list once and for all. These are all from the super-amazing Julie M.
THE TURD TWISTER
Stick this thing in your cornhole and start squeezing out the fun! The Turd Twister "is a complete kit for shaping your turd into amazing designs with our 10 most popular Turd Twisters. That's 10 laugh-inspiring, dishwasher-safe Turd Twisters."
WTF? You wash that thing with your dishes? Please never invite me to dinner at your house.
KANGAROO SCROTUM POUCH
The kangaroo scrotum is said to bring good luck -- unless of course you're the kangaroo. Then you probably don't put a lot of stock into the whole lucky scrotum thing. Who could blame you?
From The Scrotum Shop, or, as I like to call it, Nutpluckers.
Scream "FUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!" into one end and, "And a good day to you, sir" comes out the other. Well, sort of.
From the website: "Turn your loudest, most urgent frustrations into mere whispers with the Shouting Vase. The plastic jug is designed to fit over the contours of your mouth and absorb your screams and shouts, storing them in the vase and emitting a softer version of your angry cries through the tiny hole at the base." But what's the fun of that?
Too chicken to get ink? Then get the next best thing: fake tattoo sleeves. Why? Because when tats go out of style and everyone is lined up the laser shop getting their skin burned off, all you have to do is change clothes.
Available in snake, tiger, skull and eyeball. Sold out: American flags, Earnhardt #3, meaningless Chinese writing and Orange County Choppers. From PointlessButCool.
Wow, neato huh? A real favorite among decapitators, goth poets and Republicans. Kids love 'em, too, especially at bedtime.
Choose from The Raven Who Ate Diane Keaton And Stole Her Wardrobe (above) and many more. From StrangeDolls.
REMOTE CONTROL FLYING COCKROACH
"With a realistic body and a helicopter mount, the R/C Flying Cockroach from Taiyo is an infrared-controlled gokiburi made for indoor flying!" Oh, my wife would just love this. She would smash it to bits with her W/C (wife controlled) shoe.
Unnecessary in the South, as we already have flying roaches, except they're euphemistically called "palmetto bugs," which sounds something you might enjoy watching flit around your flower garden or even keep as a pet.
FINGER NOSE HAIR TRIMMER
Stick it in your ear. Or in your nose. Or even in your ass (not shown).
Replacement testicles for your neutered dog. I'm not kidding, and neither are the Neuticles people.
"Neuticles allowing (sic) your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering," says the website. What are they, nuts? Exactly.
Available new or -- judging by the top Neuticle in the photo above -- gently used, from Neuticles.com.
RESERVATION IN HELL
From the website: "Reserve A Spot In Hell is here for the sole purpose of allowing you to secure yourself (or someone else) a spot within the depths of Hell. We understand that some people would rather live a life of crime and trickery and Heaven just doesn’t sound too appealing."
You know, if I'm going to Hell, I'd rather earn my spot the old-fashioned way. Through crime and trickery. Especially trickery.
Check out three sites where our own Lefty contributes his genius.
CurledUpDVD - DVD news and reviews
Greetings From Sioux Falls -- a quintessential American city seen through photos, post cards and more.
Our Tube - Lefty & Mel's blog, an amusing look at bizarre TV tidbits from an era when TV could still surprise us.
The only things worse than local TV commercials are local TV commercials made for the holiday season, which are like putting Santa hats and bows on turds.
Here are five of the worst, from Emmi and Best Article Every Day.
1) HOBBYMASTERS (Red Bank, NJ)
It's a Christmas miracle if either of these two has ever been laid with the lights on.
2) CRAZY GIDEON'S (Los Angeles, CA)
Because Psychotic Gideon's just doesn't draw in customers.
3) NORTON FURNITURE (Cleveland, OH)
What. The. Fuck.
4) JONES BIG ASS TRUCK RENTAL AND STORAGE (Chicago, IL)
This one I like. "You ain't the Dukes of Hazzard!"
5) SILAS DEANE PAWN SHOP (HARTFORD, CT)
Why don't you pawn those crappy Schwarzenegger impressions and use the money to buy some schtick from -- I dunno -- this century?
O.J. Simpson: not a Jew.
(A list from last Christmas. The only one of these I've seen is The Santa Clause 3 -- oh, the things we do for our children -- and I remember enjoying it so much that I wanted to shoot myself in the face. From FilmSchoolRejects.com)
Just as Hollywood launched us into the summer movie season with Spider-Man 3 in early May, they’ve jumped the gun on the Christmas season with Fred Claus. However, this wasn’t as heartwarming as the umpteen radio stations playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving, ‘cause Fred Claus really sucked ass.
So that got us thinking… what other Christmas movies suck ass? For every It’s a Wonderful Life, there’s a crapstorm of a film to balance it out.
10. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Hard to believe, because it sounds so good.
9. The Nativity Story (2006)
We can just imagine the pitch meeting in Hollywood. Some lunkhead producer yelled, “The Passion of the Christ made more than $300 million! What else can we mine from the Bible?” So they cast the 15-year-old Keisha Castle-Hughes, who got herself pregnant for the film’s release (which really pissed off the Pope). Here’s a hint… she wasn’t carrying the baby Jesus.
8. Fred Claus (2007)
Vince Vaughn and Paul Giamatti were cobbled by the family-oriented bent of this film. It just goes to prove that Vince Vaughn just ain’t funny if you don’t let him swear (or if he is wearing a dress and killing people).
7. Miracle on 34th Street (1994 remake)
Who the hell had the brilliant idea of remaking this indelible classic… again? The cast was lame, and the climactic courtroom scene was ruined with an unnecessary rewrite. In the 60th anniversary DVD of the original, Maureen O’Hara giggles at the fact that every remake of this film has bombed. You go, Mo!
6. The Santa Clause 2 (2002)
Yeah, we know this is a cash cow for Disney, but that doesn’t make it any good. The first film was okay, but this one was lame. Even worse, the moronic director did the entire DVD commentary as if he got permission to shoot in the North Pole with the real Santa and his elves. I guess he didn’t realize that second graders don’t listen to DVD commentaries.
5. Christmas with the Kranks (2004)
Hey look! Another Tim Allen movie has made the list! Written by legal novelist John Grisham, this awkward holiday comedy has but one message: stick to writing crappy books, Grisham.
4. Deck the Halls (2006)
Why does Matthew Broderick keep getting cast in movies? He hasn’t done a live-action film worth a bucket of snot since Election. And how could Danny DeVito sign on for this stinker? He must have needed cake money. A war of holiday lights turns into wacky family comedy… so much so, you’ll want to throw up.
3. Black Christmas (2006)
After the Weinstein Company’s dismal release of Wolf Creek on Christmas Day 2005, they tried to repeat their mistake with a horror movie remake in 2006… and they were successful in failing. Maybe they should have had some of the young hotties in the cast (e.g., Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert or Michelle Trachtenberg) do a gratuitous nude scene.
2. The Santa Clause 3 (2006)
It’s Tim Allen again, dishing out more holiday pain. But this time, he’s joined by the show-tune loving Martin Short as Jack Frost. Arguably a better premise than #2, the movie melts down in the end with the cheesiest ending since V: The Final Battle.
1. Surviving Christmas (2004)
Nothing says Christmas in October like James Gandolfini in a Santa hat. ‘Nuff said.
Jingle All the Way (1996) – We thought this would be a shoe-in, considering what a joke people remember it to be. But watch it with your kids, and you might agree it doesn’t even belong on this list.
The Preacher’s Wife (1996) – Okay, we admit it… we haven't actually seen this film. We just figured that since it had Whitney Houston in it, it must suck ass.