What a charmer. "Ears" to you, my man.
Not safe for work.
Update (12/12): I got an e-mail from Eric in The Netherlands that sheds some light on this freak: "The man with the big ears is a well known Dutch comedian. His name is Wim de Bie. He does a parody on a Dutch prince, Mr. Pieter van Vollenhoven, who played some (bad) piano and even made some records. He has big ears, but not as big as these fake ones. The very romantic (really) subtitles tell about how very much in love the man is with a nice and pretty girl. He loves her cooking and wants to hold her hand. And maybe she'll even kiss him one day." Thanks for the info, Eric.
Monday, December 8, 2008
What a charmer. "Ears" to you, my man.
Onion Story Of The Day: Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
From The Onion.
CHICAGO — Health experts have long known that drinking red wine can have such positive benefits as reducing blood vessel damage, lowering the risk of heart attack, and preventing harmful LDL cholesterol from forming. But researchers at the Northwestern University Department of Preventive Medicine have recently found that the consumption of four to six glasses of red wine, most notably at dinner or a family function, may be linked to totally going off on one's mom.
According to a study published Monday in The American Journal Of Medicine, a previously unknown ingredient in red wine has been shown to cause a marked improvement of vocal clarity and emotional acuity—while reducing overall inhibition—after only four glasses.
During routine trials, subjects who imbibed five glasses or more showed a remarkable increase in specific mental functions, such as the ability to recall every time their mothers had been unsupportive of their boyfriends or husbands.
A striking reduction in the time needed to translate personal epiphanies into loud, public epiphanies was also noted.
"It seems the benefits of red wine consumption are virtually limitless," said Dr. Susan Zheng, lead researcher on the study. "Many were unable to recall a single time their mother had paid more attention to their sister's soccer games than to their starring role in the school play. But after drinking only one bottle of standard Merlot, these participants could not only remember, but could actually sing whole stretches of Annie Get Your Gun, even while sobbing. It's extraordinary."
(Full article HERE)
Ever wonder what they're really about?
"Jesus Take The Wheel (I'm Drunk Again)"
"Papa Don't Preach (Since He Got Caught At The Motel With The Organist)"
"She's Like The Wind (She's Always Blowin' Somebody)"
"Mr. Tambourine Man (Why You Gotta Sit Right Behind Me In Church?)"
"Ring Of Fire (The Morning After Jalapeños Song)"
"You Can't Always Get What You Want (So I Guess You'll Do)"
"I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man (So Let Me Be Your Woman)"
"All Along The Watchtower (Was Being Used As A Doorstop Until The Jehovah's Witnesses Came Back And Saw It And Made Me Give It Back)"
"You Send Me (Why Can't You Buy Your Own Kotex?)"
"With Or Without You (I'm Going To The Game)"
"Maggie May (But Wendy Definitely Will)"
"Won't Get Fooled Again (Tranny In My Bed)"
"Free Bird (Cage Included)"
"Dancing Queen (Get Him Off The Stage)"
"(How Much Will It Cost For You To) Beat It (?)"
"Hungry Like The Wolf (Horny Like The Rabbit)"
"Gin & Juice (Mama's Breakfast Song)"
"(I) Twist (Your Nipples) And (You) Shout"
"Turn! Turn! Turn! (Crash! We're Dead)"
There's only one music genre that rivals metal in the shitty band name department, and that genre is rap. I couldn't come up with crappier names than these if I tried.
A great list idea from Kelli T.
Unless you're a puppy who can somehow rap, this name does not work. Even if you're little and scrappy, there are better ways to express it. Lil' Scrappy is really just a step away from Mr. Woofles.
Is he a millionaire who blends in with the rest of us? Or maybe he is a million chameleons who have joined together, combining their camouflage skills to appear as a rapper in order to take advantage of today's enormous market for bad hip-hop. Either way, he's an idiot.
Wha? You like to 69 boys? Or you want to 69 Boyz II Men?
First, he named himself after what we can only assume was his frat nickname at whatever Southern junior college he flunked out of. Then, he threw in the triple X to give it just the right porn-site-where-you-can-go-to-watch-fat-people-have-sex vibe. Suxxx.
With an endless supply of infamous military leaders to choose from, this is who he picks, a CIA stooge who will probably live the rest of his life in prison. And it's not even spelled right. Is he worried the real Noriega will sue him for damages? Actually, that would be pretty awesome.
Oh yeah, the battery. He and Enagyza have been feuding for years.
I picture a toddler with parachute pants and a fade who stops abruptly in the middle of a totally def jam to announce that he just shat himself and needs his mommy.
The above image of the badass cartoon character he named himself after really says it all.
KIDZ IN THE HALL
Now rap groups are taking their names from sketch comedy shows? What's next: Essenell? Mista Sho? These guys also get bonus sucking points for one of the MCs being named Naledge.
DEVIN THE DUDE
Devin the Dude? That's not a rapper. That's a kid from 8th grade trig class who draws pictures of the teacher blowing a donkey and signs them all, "Devin The Dude," as if they'll be worth something someday. They won't. Devin the Douche.
Watch much He-Man growing up? This guy should be wearing a giant sombrero and singing the Frito Bandito song every night at Chi-Chi's. Speaking of, my buddy Mark told me that he went to a taqueria in Tijuana that had a midget walking around the restaurant in a giant sombrero that was filled with tortilla chips and a bowl of salsa. The little guy just went from table to table serving chips and salsa out of his hat. I thought that was the best fricken thing I'd ever heard in my life.
Rappers' interaction with cinema should be limited to quoting blaxploitation, gangster and kung fu flicks. Naming yourself after a character from your favorite almost-spooky movie isn't doing a lot for your street cred.
Oh, good one! The show with Andy Griffith that old people like. What, Barnaby Jonze was taken? What about Diagnosis: Murda or Jake And The Phat Man or Murda He Spoke?
Are you a rapper or a Garbage Pail Kid? And if you're really committed to the whole alliteration thing, and using the awful name Marv as an anchor, couldn't you come up with a better adjective than messy? Maleficent? Malcontent? Meretricious?
50-year-old white journalist trying to come up with a pithy way to describe a rap album? I wish.
I wonder what stinks more, real yak balls or this guy's rhymes?
Cee-Lo and Danger Mouse couldn't think of anything so they just stole their name from someone's fantasy basketball team.
DEL THE FUNKEE HOMOSAPIEN
Sounds like a white guy who raps on Tuesday nights at the Holiday Inn lounge. As for homosapien, it's hard to find a nerdier word. You do have to give him credit for being brave enough to be a rapper with the word homo in his name.
What does this even mean? You found your inspiration in a discount supermarket where you have to bag your own groceries?
Sounds like the guy who shows up on Sesame Street for the episode about music. "Well, my name is Ron and I'm here to say, there's lots o' different music in the world today..." Brought to you by the letter L, for lame.
There's no way this guy's name is actually Kenn Starr. So you have to assume that he chose it solely so he could name his first album, "The Starr Report," which is possibly the dumbest gimmick of all time.
Mmmmmm...lox. Lox is among the most smelly cold fish dishes, so that's, um, kind of badass sort of. Except when they tour with Da Bagelzzz.
Apparently looking like the child molester from Little Children and the brainy dude from A Different World wasn't lame enough for these guys, and so they decided to give themselves a name that sounds like the AIM screen name of a 12-year-old from New Jersey with a bad sense of humor.
HAWD GANKSTUH RAPPUH EMSEES WID GHATS
Sometimes you can just look at a band and know they make great music. This isn't one of those times.
Yes, very intimidating. "I want my two dollars!"
8,000 WAY TIE: IRV GOTTI, YO GOTTI, BIG GOTTI, DON GOTTI, JUAN GOTTI, BAZOOKA JOE GOTTI, etc
First of all, have some originality. Second, if you're going to steal someone's name, there are tons of cooler criminals to choose from than a dude from Queens who died in jail of throat cancer.
"Get it? Hee, hee, hee!" The only way there could be an acceptable excuse for a name this corny would be if the group consists of junior high school students and your uncle after a few drinks.
Representin' Chikn' of Da C.
"Mom, I finally met a man! Yes, well actually, he's an artist. A rapper. His name? Oh, um, did I tell you he drives a Honda? It's really nice. Oh, his name, sorry, I lost track for a second there. Hey did you see Lost last night?"
LORD TROUBLE CJ SMIRK
My rap name from MyRapName.com. What's yours?
SIR DEF TIME/ILL PUNISHER
My rap names from RapStarName.com. What's yours?
Sources: Cracked.com, Comedy.com