Oh man, I laughed at this. Thanks, Kelli.
"Do you need help, little man?"
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
From Maxim.com. Their list, their copy, not mine. I don't have to worry about come-ons.
Can you think of more of these?
If a beautiful girl does any of the following 10 things, you might start thinking she wants you. You might be wrong.
1. She backs her ass up into you while dancing.
All this means is that she’s had about eight Red Bull and vodkas and the DJ just put on some Lil' Jon. What! Ye-ah!
2. She invites you to brunch.
A rule of thumb: Eggs and coffee never lead to the bedroom. Brunch after sex, yes; brunch before sex, never.
3. She calls you hysterically crying.
You think by getting intimate with her feelings, she’s showing she wants to be intimate in other ways. Reality: She’d never let on to a guy she wants to sleep with that she’s teetering on the edge of sanity.
4. She compliments you on your sweet new shoes or shades.
She’s not noticing you, she’s noticing new pretty, shiny, fashiony things.
5. She asks you for sex advice.
She’s just trying to find out what that other guy she’s going to blow enjoys.
6. She bums a smoke.
You’re psyched about a few precious minutes alone; she’s suffering your company to feed her soul-crushing addiction.
7. She meets you for drinks wearing sneakers and a ratty old tee.
This is not an attempt to show you her cute sporty look. She honestly doesn’t give a shit whether you find her attractive.
8. She flirts with you — sometimes.
If she goes hot and cold, don’t kid yourself: She’s not playing hard to get; she’s just keeping you hanging on in case she can’t get anyone she likes better.
9. She invites you to a boring event, like a play.
Could Mamma Mia! be so excruciating that no one else would go with her? Bingo.
10. She seductively eats a banana or ice cream cone in front of you.
Sorry, guy, but there’s just no other way to eat these things.
(From last year, but I think it's time for an update. What's yours?)
Receptionist/shampoo girl at a kids’ hair salon. Why did it suck? Sometimes when the kids got scared or upset, they would puke. Guess who got to clean it up? They also get lice. - Laura
Hands down, ice cream man when I was 17. I should have listened to my instincts when I met the guys who ran the company; every one of them looked like they were three months out of prison. But a friend was already doing it, so I let him talk me into it. They assigned me a territory that should have come with an armor-plated Humvee. Other guys in adjacent routes actually carried semi-automatic weapons taped to the side of their freezers. Between the drug dealers who assumed I was trying to muscle in on their turf, the crack whores wanting to trade a case of syphilis for a Dreamsicle, and the 11-year-olds who made sure you saw the Glock stuck in the back of their pants when they asked for a "free sample", I lasted about a month. Even now, 30 years later, when I hear that music coming down the street, I shudder. - Tom
Pushing carts in a Wal-Mart parking lot, and being "credited" for being the first girl to ever do it at that store. As a result, I developed tendonitis in my achilles tendons and was moved to the electronics dept., where I couldn't answer any questions about computers or country songs, infuriating these oh-so-pleasant customers of the lowest common denominator. - Heder
Working in a valentine factory over the summer during college. I did it w/my friend Mia who was also attending college. We got jeered at by the high school drop-outs who gave us dirty looks all day. Made lots of money that summer glueing velvet on a heart-shaped piece of cardboard. - Lynn
Mine’s easy: temp job at age 15 working for Hickory Farms. Worksite was a little kiosk set up in the center of the local mall for Christmas. My job? Walking among the holiday shoppers asking them to sample the/my beefstick – a phallic shaft approx 2 feet in length. - Don
I think that would have to be PHAT modeling on the Donny & Marie talk show, wearing a maternity suit (padded out to appear with child) to show off Kathy Ireland's Spring Fashions for Mommy, and being asked repeatedly by Donny (dumb as a post) "WHEN ARE YOU DUE?" While I wanted to say, "Donny, I have a beer cooler in here (tummy) you jack ass!" I simply said..."ANY MINUTE!!!!!!" Prolly not the best thing to experience on national television. Good times. - Vaniqua
Host at the Waffle House at 16. I held the door open for people as they came in and also had to manage the coffee station for people were waiting for a table. First thing I had to do every day was sweep the parking lot - I can think of many other parking lots I would have liked to have swept other than that one. The manager always got on me about smiling and being friendly to everyone that came in, "Even if it's a big fat 'ol ugly bitch," he said. I worked the 7am to 2pm shift, came home smelling like waffle house batter and cigarettes. This was when "Achy Breaky Heart" was popular and customers would play that shit on the jukebox ALL DAY LONG. I wanted to slit my throat. - themovieguru