Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Wow. Perhaps these two forgot that squirrels are rodents.
From Regan, who walks through the woods and talks to squirrels, birds, mice and other enchanted forest creatures ever since she found that patch of funny-tasting mushrooms.
Not recommended for PETA types.
Fucking. Disgusting. Pssst, lady - squirrels don't really like nuts after they're dead.
A good one from DM, who says, "I think I would be GREAT at this job."
So would I. I'd just take his $350 and disappear into the night. How's that for a nemesis?
best of craigslist > SF bay area > Nemesis required
Date: 2008-05-07, 2:49PM PDTPostingID: 672031640
I've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance.
But somethings missing. I feel like I'm old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine through my arm before its too late. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again.
An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis.
I'm willing to pay $350 up front for your services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when I'm running to catch the BART and occasionally whisper in my ear, "Ahha, we meet again." That kind of thing.
Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconspicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred.
Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis.
British accent preferred.
- Compensation: $350 up front
From CelebrityCowboy.com. I can't vouch for the accuracy of all these, and some of these fugnuts have more arrests than are listed here. But you get the idea.
- O.J. Simpson - murder, armed robbery, kidnapping
- Paris Hilton - DUI
- Jack White (The White Stripes) - aggravated assault
- Britney Spears - hit and run
- Lindsay Lohan - DUI, cocaine possession
- Mel Gibson - DUI
- Christian Slater - assault
- Tawny Kitaen - spousal abuse
- Hugh Grant - lewd conduct (caught with a prostitute)
- Johnny Cash - drug possession
- Bill Murray - driving a golf cart while drunk
- Vince Neil - vehicular manslaughter
- Anna Nicole Smith - DUI
- Hank Williams, Jr. - assault
- Larry King - grand larceny
- Vanilla Ice - assault
- Yasmine Bleeth - drug possession
- Lou Rawls - assault
- Kimora Lee Simmons - marijuana possession
- Nicole Richie - DUI
- Robert Downey, Jr. - drug possession
- Frankie Valli - skipping out on a motel bill
- Kid Rock - assault, alcohol-related offenses
- Michael Jackson - child molestation
- Tracey Gold - DUI
- Glenn Frey - drug possession
- Tommy Lee - assault, inciting a riot
- Trey Anastasio - DUI, drug possession
- Steve McQueen - DUI
- Nick Carter - DUI
- Jay-Z - aggravated assault, carrying a concealed weapon
- Sean “Diddy” Combs - gun possession, assault, bribery, others
- Haley Joel Osment - DUI, marijuana possession
- Charles Barkley - assault
- John Popper (Blues Traveler) - marijuana possession
- Amy Winehouse - marijuana possession
- Jennifer Capriati - marijuana possession
- Kirsten Storms ("General Hospital") -DUI
- Natasha Lyonne - DUI
- David Faustino ("Married... With Children") - marijuana possession
- Tonya Harding - DUI, conspiracy
- Rick Allen (Def Leppard's one-armed drummer)- assault
- Kiefer Sutherland - DUI
- Jude Law - assault (on paparazzi)
- Uncle Kracker - sexual assault
- Leif Garrett - drug possession
- Rip Torn - DUI
- Daniel Dae Kim ("Lost") - DUI
- Winona Ryder - shoplifting
- Kristy Swanson - assault
- Jeffrey Jones (Ferris Bueller's Day Off) - solicitation of a minor for sexual purposes
- Pete Doherty - numerous drug-related offenses
- Shemar Moore ("The Young And The Restless") - DUI
- George Clinton (Parliament) - drug possession
- Scott Stapp (Creed) - reckless driving
- Phil Spector - murder
- Macaulay Culkin - drug possession
- Tom Sizemore - drug possession, assault
- Ty Pennington ("Extreme Makeover") - DUI
- Brian Bonsall ("Family Ties") - assault
- Naomi Campbell - assault
- Bobby Brown - assault, DUI, many more
- Ray Liotta - DUI
- Joshua Jackson - assault
- Ryan O’Neal - assault with a deadly weapon (on his son)
- Yanni - domestic abuse
- Snoop Dogg - drug possession, firearms, more.
- Dudley Moore - spousal abuse
- 50 Cent - drug dealing
- Boy George - drug possession
- Al Pacino - carrying a concealed weapon
- Nick Nolte - DUI
- Frank Sinatra - adultery
- Ja Rule - gun and drug possession
- Foxy Brown - assault
- Michael Vick - animal cruelty
- Rush Limbaugh - "doctor shopping" to acquire prescription drugs illegally
- Wynonna Judd - DUI
- Ted Nugent - violating fire code by shooting a flaming arrow onstage
- Don King - murder, arson, selling drugs, weapons possession, manslaughter
- Bill Gates - failure to produce a driver's license
- George Carlin - disorderly conduct, obscenity
- Dennis Hopper - reckless driving, leaving an accident scene
- James Brown - spousal abuse
- Jane Fonda - drug smuggling, assault on a police officer
- Keanu Reeves - DUI
- Matthew McConaughey - resisting arrest, marijuana possession
- Vince Vaughn - assault
- Glenn Frey - drug possession
- Pee-Wee Herman - public masturbation, possession of child pornography
- Woody Harrelson - disorderly conduct
- Mischa Barton - DUI, drug possession
- Zsa Zsa Gabor - assault on a police officer
- David Crosby - handgun possession
- Sid Vicious - murder
- Mick Jagger - fighting with a photographer
- Tim Allen - drug possession, DUI, dealing drugs
- Nikki Sixx - inciting a riot
- Dennis Rodman - felony burglary
- Scott Weiland (Stone Temple Pilots) - assault, drug possession, DUI
- David Bowie - marijuana possession
- Mickey Rourke - spousal abuse
- Glen Campbell - DUI
(I got a few more pics from readers, so I updated the post. New pics at bottom.)
Is it hot in here, or is it just you guys?! Some of you played around with YearbookYourself.com, and here are the results.
Wendy in CA, circa 1994, 1960 and 1978. I'm partial to the 'fro, myself.
Dr. Toni in the early 60s. "Coffee, tea or me?"
SGM, 1974, looking like a Breck girl
Lynda and her boyfriend, Larry
The nearly disembodied head of Lyndsay...
... and her pal Dmitry, between takes on the set of Mad Men.
Where were you in '82? Meg was at the mall, getting her hair done.
Sara in 1970, showing off the pearl necklace her husband just gave her.
The many looks of Ms. Daisy
DM, or, as I like to call her, Ol' Shroomhead
Courtney x 3. All hot, but once again I gotta go with the 'fro.
Laura, who loves glasses and, apparently, nuclear fallout.
Tracey. Only her hairdresser knows for sure (what the fuck she did to her bangs).
Me in 1990. I lost my chin in the war. I lost my tooth at a bar.
Babs Peapod, drinking at lunch again.
Chris' husband, stylin' through the years -- all of them bad.
Chris' son, who needs to get more sun.
Keva as (clockwise from top left) Shirley Hemphill/Maskatron, Rosa Parks/Maskatron, Mrs. Paschal (my first grade teacher) and an early Diana Ross.
From Hutchlover, a pic of her man Hutch, who asks you not to give up on him, baby, just because he's wearing a really crappy turtleneck.
Christine in '60, '68 and '82, sporting the popular "penis head" 'do that several of you chose. I think it's a subconscious choice.
And a final collage of me through the years, illustrating why I never have to dress up for Halloween.
Drunk guy jumps off bridge... sort of. Wait for it.
From Paul and FunnyOrDie.com -- and I think we just saw the "die" (not really - I'm sure the dude's a-ok). Actually, I'm not really sure of that, but let's just pretend he is.
It's been said before, and I'll say it again. Don't drink and dive.