And you thought the song was annoying.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I was never a connoisseur, but I know swill when I taste it. Here are nine of the worst swills ever.
9. PABST LIGHT
Because regular Pabst wasn't nasty enough? When I think of Pabst, I think of big fat guys who would rather die than drink a light beer.
Taste like shitz.
Yes, Heineken. I hate it. It's horrible stuff. Smells and tastes like piss. "Ha, how do you know what piss tastes like, dude?" Because your mama told me.
Looks good, doesn't it? It's not. A Schlitz product. I wish I'd read the label before drinking.
They served this stuff on 25-cent beer night when I was in college, and it was still a rip-off.
4. OLD STYLE
I drank about 15 of these one afternoon at a Cubs game back in '96 or '97. So did Spinderfella. He carried me to the El. Or maybe I carried him. Details are fuzzy. So was my tongue. I'll just say that it's no wonder Harry Caray always sounded like he had a brain injury.
The only beer available in the Canyon Lodge employee pub in Yellowstone Park during the summer of 1986. We called it "reindeer beer," and it was probably more dangerous than that bison that charged me.
Jimmy Carter's fat redneck brother came out with his own brand of beer in 1977. Like his brother's presidency, Billy's beer was a disaster. Like Billy, the beer died shortly thereafter.
1. NATURAL LIGHT
"The beer that goes great with food," their ads used to claim. That's right -- you'll need something to kill the flavor. Hands down the worst beer I've ever drunk. Ever.
50 dumb laws, one for each state. From Harmony and Dumblaws.com.
Incestuous marriages are legal.
It is illegal to wake a sleeping bear so that you can take its photograph.
You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
(Which leaves only one for Cindy McCain.)
School teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
(Neither will school teachers who do not bob their hair.)
Women may not drive in a house coat.
Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
“R” rated movies shall not be shown at drive-in theaters.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
In Athens, it is illegal to make a disturbing sound at a fair.
(That excludes the sound of people horking up corn dogs and funnel cakes on the Tilt-A-Whirl - or, as we call it, the Tilt-A-Hurl.)
Coins are not allowed to be placed in one’s ears.
It is llegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
In Champaign, you may not pee in your neighbor’s mouth.
Oral sex is illegal.
One-armed piano players must perform for free.
Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
(But you can still throw them by hand.)
Throwing eggs at a public speaker could result in up to one year in prison.
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
You may not step out of a plane in flight.
In Baltimore, it is illegal to take a lion to the movies.
At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.
A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.
In St. Louis, it is illegal to sit on the curb of any street and drink beer from a bucket.
It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
It is illegal to go whale fishing.
In Elko, everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask.
You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.
Idiots may not vote.
Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”.
It’s against the law to sing off key.
It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon.
It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.
It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.
It is illegal to place a container filled with human fecal matter on the side of any highway.
In Allentown, it is illegal for men to become aroused in public.
Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void.
A permit must be obtained to fire a missile.
If there are more than five Native Americans on your property, you may shoot them.
It is legal to gather and consume roadkill.
It is illegal to sell one's eye.
It is a felony to persistently tread on the cracks between paving stones on the sidewalk of a state highway.
In Barre, all residents shall bathe every Saturday night.
(Whether they need it or not.)
It is illegal to have sex with the lights on or in any position other than missionary.
One may not spit on a bus.
(Even if the bus insulted your mother.)
It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs.
While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker’s license.
Junk dealers may not make any business transactions with drunk persons.