Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Classic Vid Of The Day: World's Worst Sportscaster

Yeah, I know, it's ancient, but it still makes me laugh. I just hope Ball State has some other majors that this hapless schmo can pursue.


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25 Best Opening Lyrics Of All Time (?)

According to Spinner.com, at least.

25. "You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar..." (Human League, "Don't You Want Me?")

24. "I've been a bad, bad girl..." (Fiona Apple, "Criminal")

23. "You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips..." (The Righteous Brothers, "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling")

22. "Go shorty. It's your birthday..." (50 Cent, "In Da Club")

21. "Hello darkness, my old friend..." (Simon and Garfunkel, "The Sounds of Silence")

20. "I am an antichrist...." (The Sex Pistols, "Anarchy In The U.K.")

19. "Well I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body..." (George Michael, "Faith")

18. "We don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee.." (Merle Haggard, "Okie From Muskokee")

17. "I was dreaming when I wrote this..." (Prince, "1999")

16. "Pigs, they tend to wiggle when they walk" (Pavement, "Stereo")

15. "She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene..." (Michael Jackson, "Billie Jean")

14. "There must be some kind of way out of here, said the joker to the thief..." (Bob Dylan, "All Along The Watchtower")

13. "What's with these homies dissin' my girl?" (Weezer, "Buddy Holly")

12. "A candy-colored clown they call the sandman tiptoes to my room every night..." (Roy Orbison, "In Dreams")

11. "Oh I just don't know where to begin..." (Elvis Costello, "Accidents Will Happen")

10. "Tommy used to work on the docks..." (Bon Jovi, "Livin' On A Prayer")

9. "Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine..." (Patti Smith, "Gloria")

8. "Well it's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go, cat, go" (Carl Perkins, "Blue Suede Shoes")

7. "In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey..." (Beck, "Loser")

6. "Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?" (The Carpenters, "Close To You")

5. "Don't call it a comeback..." (LL Cool J, "Mama Said Knock You Out")

4. "Well she was just seventeen, you know what I mean" (The Beatles, "I Saw Her Standing There")

3. "Hey, ho, let's go!" (The Ramones, "Blitzkrieg Bop")

2. "I was born in a crossfire hurricane..." (The Rolling Stones, "Jumpin' Jack Flash")

1. "She's a very kinky girl..." (Rick James, "Superfreak")


Yeah, I'm not really feeling it with this list. There are about 8 good picks here, and the rest are throwaways. Human League? Bon Jovi? Meh. What about...

"She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean..."

"Hello, is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me."

"If you knew Peggy Sue, then you'd know why I feel blue..."

"Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack, I went out for a ride and I never came back..."

"I went home with the waitress the way I always do, how was I to know she was with the Russians, too?"

"Southern man, better keep your head, don't forget what your good book said..."

"We'll be fighting in the street, with our children at our feet..."

"Da da da.. uh huh uh huh uh huh... da da da... uh huh uh huh uh huh..."

Which lines do you think should be on the list?

Movie Trailer Of The Day: Les Miserables

From 1998's non-musical film version of Les Miserables. The good part is at 2:00, where the star names list begins. I saw this trailer in the theater and laughed like a hyena. Poor Claire Danes.


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They could've given her something, huh?

"... and all-around nice girl, Claire Danes, as Cosette."

"... and that chick from 'My So-Called Life' as Cosette."

"... and two-time People's Choice Award Nominee, Claire Danes, as Cosette."

"... and homewrecker Claire Danes as Cosette."

Hot Chicks With Goofy Faces

Goofy or not, I'd gladly get jiggy with some of these ladies. But you knew that already.

Another funny from my pal, Mr. Boone, and the good folks over at Asylum.com.


When does Jenny McCarthy ever
not look stupid?


Ashlee Simpson: "Sing LIVE? Like, in public? No way!"


Believe it or not, that's Heather Locklear. Be afraid.


"No, fucker, it's 'JO-vo-vich'!" says Milla.


Rosario Dawson could stick both thumbs up her nose and turn her eyelids inside out and she'd still be hot.


Hips don't lie, and neither do armpits. You got B.O., Shakira. But wash off and give me a call, k?


Like most actors, Teri Polo (
Meet The Parents) takes her People's Choice Award very seriously.


Ms. Universe, Zuleyka Rivera, just got a whiff of Ms. Bangladesh


Another day, another fugly Cameron Diaz photo. Ick.


National Treasure's Diane Kruger is merely shocked that anyone cares what she has to say about anything at all.


I don't consider Kate Hudson hot in any sense of the word, but that's awesome hair.


Kellie Pickler. Pickler? I barely know her!


Ever wonder if Juliette Lewis wasn't really acting in
The Other Sister? I do.


To research her role for
American Pie 3, Allyson Hannigan stuck a flute in her cooch and an oboe up her ass. We were there.


I like Amy Adams, but she looks nuttier than squirrel shit here. And is that a perspiration spot on her dress, or was she carrying a funnel cake under her arm?


Cabbage for lunch, Ashanti?

For the rest, see the full article at Asylum.com

SNL Classic Clip Of The Day: Colon Blow

Haven't you heard? Fiber is really good for you.

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