Thursday, September 4, 2008

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Drunk Clown

And you won't need a prop red nose, because you'll have your own.

best of craigslist > chicago >

Seeking Adult Drunk Clown for 30th Birthday party

Date: 2008-08-26, 3:22PM CDT

We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a shit load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn't even need to socialize with anyone, just drink.

The birthday is on Friday, Sept. 5th in Bucktown. Oh, did I mention that the clown needs to get shitfaced. Don't worry, we will purchase all the drinks.

  • Compensation: We will pay per hour and cover all the drinks
PostingID: 814181712

Rejected Science Projects Of The Day

Fun with Photoshop. Many thanks to David and Mandy for the pics.

All of these are profane and/or offensive, so skip it if you don't do profane and offensive (in which case you're on the wrong website, kemosabe.)

Ugly Betty, the pre-teen years?


SNL Clip Of The Day: Coin Slot Cream

I bet LiLo's slot has seen more coins than Trevi Fountain. She's gnarly, but I wouldn't mind some naked rumba with Kristen Wiig.


Photo Of The Day: AC Repair

I bet his kids love being taken to school in this. I guess the generator is bolted to the car. Klassy!

Thanks, Mandy, for the pic.

Vids Of The Day: The Black Cab Sessions

One artist. One taxi. One take. Unplugged. A great idea and site.

Here are three; tons more on the site. Great stuff.

Death Cab For Cutie

The New Pornographers

Martha Wainwright

10 Classic Toys (And Why They Suck)

An edited version of this article from

Whatever new-fangled video games and hover boards are hitting toy store shelves this Christmas, there are some classics that just never go away. Why? We're not sure, because most of them suck.

10. Slinky

A floppy spring-shaped thing that's supposed to walk down stairs and was designed by Richard James in 1943. The design phase: Dick drawing a curly squiggle on the back of a napkin while on the telephone.

Two generations of parents rushed out to buy their offspring a Slinky for Christmas, instead of a Total Death Chaos Raygun 3000 or other toys that promised instant awesomeness. Those children promptly ran up to the top of the stairs, pushed the Slinky off the top step and watched it flop down to the next where it would stay until they nudged it again. Then, it would roll sideways off the step and lay sadly against the wall. Then the kids go outside and do something more fun, like poke some dog shit with a stick.

9. Space Hopper

An inflated rubber ball with a handle thing. Originally called the Space Hopper, it also has been marketed as a "Hoppity Hop," "Hop-A-Roo" and any number of equally retarded names. The idea is that a person sits on the ball, grasps the handle and propels himself along using the power of bounce. Ha.

A Space Hopper is an awesome idea in premise, and the kids in the commercials always look like they're having a blast. In reality, the bouncing properties of a Space Hopper equate to those of a dropped egg, causing you to overwork the device until you face-plant into a sidewalk, then run screaming and bleeding to your mommy.

8. Ball in a Cup

Sometimes called a "balero" depending on what part of the world you're in, it's a wooden cup on a handle, attached to a ball on a string. The idea is to toss the ball into the air and catch it in the cup. And then you...well, nothing. That's it.

Catching things is not that hard, and catching a ball in a cup doesn't make the task any trickier, especially when the ball is attached to the cup by string. The re-playability factor is also sadly lacking: Once you catch the ball in the cup, that's it. Thus, when a child is presented with this toy from well-meaning parents, they duly toss the ball into the cup three or four times, then put it down and go back to drawing on a younger sibling's face with permanent markers.

7. Hula Hoop

A hoop, usually made out of plastic, that can be twirled around the hips, waist or neck. It was 'invented' in 1958 by Richard Knerr and Arthur "Spud" Melin, founders of the Wham-O toy company.

"Playing" Hula Hoop involves holding the hoop around you at waist level, then trying to spin it at a rate approaching 1,000 rpm. Then you stand with your feet planted on the spot, spasmodically twitch your waist and hips as the hula Hoop drops to the floor. You sigh, pick the thing up again, and restart. But this time, you manage to keep it off the ground, at which point the Hula Hoop ricochets up your body and smacks you in the face.

6. Aerobie Flying Ring

Frisbee designed to be thrown over great distances.

A game of Aerobie usually consisted of you throwing the Aerobie to a friend, or more accurately, toward a black speck on the horizon. Your friend will then have to go looking for the Aerobie, which has been predictably blown off course and ended up in a dog-shit infested clump of bushes 150 feet away. An hour later, your friend emerges, covered in burrs, twigs and poop, and flings the Aerobie back at you. The Aerobie will, naturally, sail 20 feet over your head and land in the stagnant pond 100 meters behind you. You and your friend will then decide, "fuck the Aerobie," and go home.

5. Boomerang

A curved piece of wood designed to return to the user when thrown. They are usually associated with the Aboriginal People of Australia, which leads us to believe that the Aborigines did not have many friends if they had to develop a method of playing catch with themselves.

Has anyone ever known someone who could throw a boomerang and actually get it to return? Someone always knows someone who swears someone managed it, but we're certain that's an urban legend.

4. Home Chemistry Kits

A toy which promises children an entire chemistry laboratory in the safety of their own bedrooms.

Home chemistry kits promise so much. The box shows two or more children clad in white coats (not supplied, ever) staring in awe at a glowing green rock or some amazing contraption. But what you get instead are three glass beakers, salt, sugar, iron shavings, some substance that turns water green, laughably oversized safety goggles and something that looks suspiciously like a chemistry textbook. The disappointment of realizing you're not going to be able to create your very own thermonuclear device sets in only after you have wasted an hour reading the textbook.

3. Pogo Stick

A pole with handles at one end, and footpads at the other, beneath which is a large spring designed to bounce the user up and down.

Pogo sticks look fun when other people are playing on them. Someone else always seems to work them easily, merrily bouncing around the street or their yard until they comically topple from their perch, all the while shrieking gay laughter. When it's your turn, you clamber aboard with the aid of a wall, grip the handles, push your feet down and launch off at a velocity approaching Mach 2. Surprised, and sporting a pair of rapidly browning underpants, you release your grip from the handles and try to step off. At this point the stick would smash you on the chin with slightly less force than the punch of a super heavyweight boxer.

2. Diablo

A Diabolo, or a Devil On Two Sticks, is a juggling toy whereby a spool is whirled and tossed on a string connecting two sticks. They evolved from the Chinese Yo-Yo, the most boring form of side walk performance art in existence.

Tossing a spool into the air is not fun, and it's really, really hard. What usually, no, always happens is your desperate, flaying efforts to catch the spool result in it being flicked away from you at a fairly rapid pace. It then rolls straight under the sofa, forcing you to drop the sticks (immediately and irreparably tangling the string up), get on your belly and shove your hands under the piece of furniture so you can pull out the wretched thing.

1. Yo-Yo

A yo-yo is comprised of two discs of equal weight connected with an axle, from which a string is attached. The user loops the other end of a string around his finger and proceeds to flick the yo-yo up and down the string until inevitable frustration sets in.

Hours of frustration. Hours of trying to untie a piece of string which has a mind of its own when it comes to entanglement. Hours spent watching your yo-yo idly twist at the end of the string instead of snapping smartly back into your palm. The slim volume coming with the pile of shit that promised to make us yo-yo masters within minutes had wonderful drawings and photos of the tricks, but it didn't tell you how to fucking do them. The only trick anyone ever learned was the 'walk the dog' trick, which was just rolling a yo-yo on the floor.


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