Friday, August 29, 2008
I think I found my good meal for the weekend. I've been jonesin' some oxtails and gizzards. WTF?
My granddad liked fried chicken gizzards -- I think. He let me taste one once. It looked little a little fried turd. Tasted like one, too. He laughed when I spat it out. Maybe it was all a big joke. I hope so.
They will be.. what?
1. Eat a decent meal. I've been eating crap for what seems like a month now. I need something that doesn't come in, or from, a box.
2. Go to a movie. A grown-up movie. Something without a horse, orphan, talking car or dancing rodent. There better be something worth a shit out there to see.
I'm only listing 12 (and shortening those). Check the article at Reader's Digest online for all 31. The copy is theirs but I touched it up a bit.
Your mom probably never told you this, but it's true: Sex is good for you! (Nope, Mom forgot to mention it.) Plenty of studies show it: Regular sex increases immunity from viruses, relieves stress, and even helps protect the health of a man's prostate gland by emptying fluids held there (eww). It also triggers the release of chemicals that improve mood and ease pain.
1. Have sex tonight! Having intercourse regularly helps to keep your sex drive in high gear by increasing the production of testosterone, which is the hormone mainly responsible for libido in men and (moustaches on) women.
4. Spend tonight planning a steamy vacation. Even if you don't go, spending time together looking at
porn photos on the Web and imagining yourself in some tropical paradise (where women sunbathe naked) will be enough of a libido booster to get you to bed -- early.
5. Women: Practice Kegel exercises. They're the (fart-suppressing) squeezing exercises your doctor told you to do after pregnancy or because you were having a bit of a problem with leaking urine. What (your crappy HMO) Doc probably didn't tell you is that they're also great for strengthening the pubococcygeus muscle, essential for orgasm.
6. Men: Start taking supplements of ginkgo biloba every day. The herb promotes better blood flow, getting more blood to the brain and...other organs. (Such as the PENIS. I don't know why they're afraid to say PENIS.)
11. When you're at a party or out in public with your partner, take a moment to stare at him/her across the room as if
to say, can we get the fuck out of here? you were still wooing one another. Sex falls out of a relationship when you take one another's presence for granted. So don't!
14. Open your eyes when you kiss and when you are, um, intimate (i.e. HAVING SEX). Looking into your partner's eyes during such times sends an incredible message of trust and honesty.
15. Say exactly what's on your mind -- sexually, that is. If you're watching your husband (")pull out the tree stump(") in the backyard and you get a certain weakness in your legs watching the sweat roll off (the zits on) his back, tell him. Simply expressing how everyday things make you feel deepens your intimacy when said out loud.
17. Create your own intimate rituals. No, we're not talking about sex. But what about waking him up with a steaming cup of coffee (poured on his head) instead of the alarm every morning? What about having a hot (urine) bath ready for her in the evening? Or massaging her feet while you watch a DVD with a big bowl of popcorn (that you eat with your nasty feet-germ covered hands?).
20. Go away for a couple of days -- by yourself. While you're away, make a list of all the things you love about
being away from your partner. Close your eyes and picture yourself making love (to a celebrity). By the time you get home, you'll be so greedy for anyone each other that the front hall will look like a king-size mattress.
23. Spend an hour with your partner touching every part of his/her body -- but you can't use your hands. Use other parts of your body (such as THE PENIS) instead. Conversely, caress one another only with your hands touching every part of the body except the genital zones. This can remove any pressure you might feel to "get right to it" (i.e. last longer than 17 seconds) after a hectic day on the job.
25. Stop at one (or two) drinks at the most. A small amount of alcohol can set the mood; more can drown the flame of desire, or lessen your ability to see your desire through (a.k.a. "WHISKEY DICK").
29. Tell your partner two things you love about him/her every day (or one, if you can't think of two). Love, affection, and mutual respect are the bases for a steamy sex life.