Sunday, August 24, 2008

America's 20 Worst Foods

Even I wouldn't eat most of this stuff.. and that's saying something. From Men's Health. Their list, their copy, my notes in italics.

WORST FAST-FOOD CHICKEN MEAL


McDonald's 5-pc Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips with cream ranch sauce.
830 Calories, 55 grams fat (4.5 trans fat), 48 carbs.

Add a large fries and regular soda and this seemingly innocuous chicken meal tops out at 1,710 calories. (Pass. McD's gives me the squirts. TMI?)


WORST DRINK

Jamba Juice Chocolate Moo'd Power Smoothie (30 fl oz).
900 calories, 10 g fat, 183 carbs, 166 g sugar.

Jamba Juice calls it a smoothie, but MSNBC calls it a milk shake. (Funny, cuz I call MSNBC a milk shake.) The beverage contains as much sugar as 8 pints of Ben & Jerry's butter pecan ice cream. (Well that's an easy choice. Pass the B & J!)


WORST SUPERMARKET MEAL

Pepperidge Farm Roasted Chicken Pot Pie (whole pie)
1,020 calories, 64 g fat, 86 g carbs.

Label may say this pie serves two (Ethiopians), but, who ever divided a small pot pie in half? (Uh..not me. I could eat this fucker in two bites, easy.) Once you crack the crust, there will be no stopping.


WORST "HEALTHY" BURGER

Ruby Tuesday Bella Turkey Burger.
1,145 calories, 71 g fat, 56 g carbs.

(If turkeys knew they were being eaten, I don't think they would mind being sandwich meat, but somehow I think they would object to being made into fake burgers, don't you? I know I would.)


WORST MEXICAN ENTREE AMPUTATED LEG

Chipotle Mexican Grill Chicken Burrito.
1,179 calories, 47 g fat, 125 g carbs, 2,656 mg sodium

Mmm, that's good femur.


WORST KIDS' MEAL

Macaroni Grill Double Macaroni 'n' Cheese.
1,210 calories, 62 g fat, 3,450 mg sodium.

It's like feeding your kid 1 1/2 boxes of Kraft mac 'n' cheese. (Wouldn't be the first time.)


WORST SANDWICH

Quizno's Classic Italian (large)
1,528 calories, 92 g fat, 4,604 mg sodium, 110 g carbs.

A large homemade sandwich would more likely have provided about 500 calories. (A homemade sandwich would more likely have been on two dried-up end pieces of Publix wheat bread and sliced turkey that had already started to turn.)


WORST SALAD

On the Border Grande Taco Salad with Taco Beef
1,450 calories, 102 g fat, 78 g carbs, 2,410 mg sodium

This isn't an anomaly: five different On the Border salads on the menu contain more than 1,100 calories each. (But after nine Coronas, you won't give a shit.)


WORST BURGER

Carl's Jr. Double Six Dollar Burger.
1,520 calories, 111g fat

Carl's Jr. brags on this enormous sandwich, but the restaurant chain also provides convenient nutrition info on its Web site -- so ignorance is no excuse for eating it. (Who orders this? Popeye?)


WORST STEAK

Lonestar 20 oz T-bone
1,540 calories, 124g fat

Add a baked potato and Lonestar's Signature Lettuce Wedge, and this is a 2,700 calorie blowout. (And a damn fine meal.)


WORST BREAKFAST

Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed hotcakes.
1,540 calories, 77 g fat (9 g trans fat), 198 g carbs, 109 g sugar

Five Egg McMuffins yield the same caloric cost as this stack of sugar-stuffed flapjacks, which is truly a heavy breakfast, weighing in at a hefty pound and a half. (Tell 'em Elvis sent ya.)


WORST DESSERT

Chili's Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream
1,600 calories, 78 g fat, 215 g carbs

Would you eat a Big Mac for dessert? (No. McD's gives me the squirts.) How about three? (Squirt, squirt, squirt.) That's the calorie equivalent of this decadent dish. Clearly, Chili's customers get their money's worth. (Which is what they deserve for a meal that costs $8.99 with tax and tip)


WORST WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS

P.F. Chang's Pork Lo Mein
1,820 calories, 127 g fat, 95 g carbs

The fat content in this dish alone provides more than 1,100 calories. And you'd have to eat almost five servings of pasta to match the number of carbs it contains. Now, do you really need five servings of pasta? (Depends on your definition of "need.")


WORST CHICKEN ENTREE

Chili's Honey Chipotle Crispers with Chipotle Sauce
2,040 calories, 99 g fat, 240 g carbs (and 1 redundant use of "chipotle")

"Crispers" refers to an extra thick layer of bread crumbs that soak up oil and adds unnecessary calories and carbs to these glorified chicken strips. (Mmmmm.)


WORST FISH ENTREE

On The Border Dos XX Fish Tacos with Rice and Beans
2,100 calories, 130 g fat, 169 g carbs, 4,700 mg sodium

Perhaps the most misleadingly named dish in America : A dozen crunchy tacos from Taco Bell will saddle you with fewer calories. (And saddle you on the crapper for about an hour.)


WORST PIZZA

Uno Chicago Grill Chicago Classic Deep Dish Pizza
2,310 calories, 162 g fat, 123 g carbs, 4,470 mg sodium. (And one redundant use of "Chicago")

Downing this "personal" pizza is equivalent to eating 18 slices of Domino's Crunchy Thin Crust cheese pizza. (And...?)


WORST PASTA

Macaroni Grill Spaghetti and Meatballs with Meat Sauce
2,430 calories, 128 g fat, 207 g carbs, 5,290 mg sodium

This meal satisfied your calorie requirements for an entire day. (Sounds like an efficient choice then.)


WORST NACHOS

On The Border Stacked Border Nachos
2,740 calories, 166 g fat, 191 g carbs, 5,280 sodium.

(There are no bad nachos, only bad reviews of nachos.)


WORST STARTER

Chili's Awesome Blossom
2,710 calories, 203 g fat, 194 g carbs, 6,360 mg sodium.

(A better name would be "Awesome For Five Minutes Blossom," because as soon as it turns cold, it's an ass blossom. Anyone still picking at this thing when it's cold is a hard core eater.)


WORST OVERALL FOOD IN AMERICA

Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing
2,900 calories, 182 g fat, 240 g carbs

Even if you split these "starters" with three friends, you'll have downed a dinner's worth of calories before you entree arrives. (I don't know three people who would eat these... even if it didn't look like a plate of vomit.)

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