Friday, August 15, 2008
I saw these on eHow and thought immediately of Amy and Reenie. They're amusing, but I bet you can do better... and probably have. Anyone?
I know one way. At a party in college I met this girl who had beautiful green eyes.
"Wow," I said, "great green eyes."
She smiled. Then -- for reasons unknown to me still -- I started singing the old 70s song, "Green Eyed Lady," to her. And I sang it with the same groovy 70s vocal affectations and inflections as the original.
"Green eyed lady, ocean lady
Child of nature, friend of man"
Her got a look on her face like she wanted to hit me. Then she turned and walked away without a word.
Maybe she didn't know the song.
Ok, here's the list:
1. Be strategic - different losers require different techniques. Some take more time than others to get the hint.
2. Bore him. Offer only the most mundane things about yourself. Look at your knees and mumble. Sigh a lot.
3. Stare blankly when he tells a joke, or fake laugh so loudly and hysterically that everyone around you stares.
4. Ignore him. Bring a magazine to read, the more unlikely, the better: "Highlights for Children," "Soldier of Fortune," "Rod & Custom." Hold your place on the page while you answer questions in monosyllables.
5. Call him by several different wrong names.
6. Show off some less desirable personal habits - grind your teeth, crack your knuckles, chew gum, sniffle and swallow loudly, take food from his plate, swap straws with him every fifth sip. Tap your nails on the table. Snicker for no reason.
7. Worry him. Say wistfully, "My finger is so terribly cold without a ring." Excuse yourself to call your psychiatrist or your mama.
8. Scare him. When he puts his hand on your arm or thigh, inhale sharply and start choking. Wave your hand around meaninglessly while he tries to figure out what's wrong. Do this every time he touches you.
9. Embarrass him. Ask the waiter if the restaurant has any live food. Dig through your purse; pull out random items and set them on the table. The more personal the better.