Tuesday, August 5, 2008

News Of The Day: Botched Boobs

From Lola.

Resignation Letter Of The Day


Sadly, it's not real (per Snopes), but I still laughed. From Revolutionaire.

Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during our commission of duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to your employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" as it is explained to you for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You wander around the building all day, shiftlessly seeking fault in others. You have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however, I have a few parting thoughts:

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation as I have consistently performed my duties and even more. The most you can say to hurt me is, "I prefer not to comment." To keep you honest, I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I will publish your "Favorites," which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not viewed favorably by the university administrations.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mother's b-day," you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then, like the techno-moron you are, you forgot to erase them. Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle. I assure you that those photos are being kept in safe places pending your authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (And, for once, would you please try to use spellcheck? I hate correcting your mistakes.)

I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your twisted little repugnant obsessions will become public knowledge.

Never f*ck with your systems administrator, Mr. Baker! They know what you do with all that free time!

Sincerely,


David Blocker
Network Administrator


Vid Of The Day: Triumph At Comic-Con 2008

A bit long but you won't mind.

July Mugshot Roundup

Another sorry parade...


"Oops. Farted. Sorry, bruh. My bad."


Bitch! Please tell me where you got that Buster Brown haircut.


Larry commenced to being a dumbfuck just hours after graduation


"HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT?!!"


"I won't be ignored, Dan"


The Inviso-Mullet: baldness in the front, party in the back


Rule 1 of jail: Never let go of your sandwich, or it's gone


Crazy, Jr.


Crazy, Sr.


100% fugly


Orange Julius


Cleopatra Winehouse


Busted by cops posing online as a 14yo girl


Wheeeeeeeeeeee!


Richard Head


"That's me in the corner/That's me in the spot... light..."


She told the waxer she wanted a landing strip


"Drop The Soap game in the men's shower. Who's in?"


Jail: so easy, even a caveman can do it


What do you tell a guy with two black eyes? Nothing! You already told him twice.


That's expensive ink right there


Pre-MANstrual Syndrome

Complete List of Bart Simpson's Blackboard Punishments


I will not waste chalk

I will not skateboard in the halls

I will not burp in class

I will not instigate revolution

I will not draw naked ladies in class

I did not see Elvis

I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"

Garlic gum is not funny

They are laughing at me, not with me

I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom

I will not encourage others to fly

I will not fake my way through life

Tar is not a plaything

I will not Xerox my butt

It's potato, not potatoe (a reference to Dan Quayle)

I will not trade pants with others

I am not a 32 year old woman

I will not do that thing with my tongue

I will not drive the principal's car

I will not pledge allegiance to Bart

I will not sell school property

I will not cut corners (written only on top line, with hatch marks “ “ on subsequent lines)

I will not get very far with this attitude

I will not make flatulent noises in class

I will not belch the National Anthem

I will not sell land in Florida

I will not grease the monkey bars

I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment

I will not do anything bad ever again

I will not show off (written in Olde English font)

I will not sleep through my education

I am not a dentist

Spitwads are not free speech

Nobody likes sunburn slappers

High explosives and school don't mix

I will not bribe Principal Skinner

I will not squeak chalk (squeaks the chalk while writing this)

I will finish what I sta (on one line; the rest is blank)

"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender

I will not fake rabies

Underwear should be worn on the inside

The Christmas Pageant does not stink

I will not torment the emotionally frail

I will not carve gods

I will not spank others

I will not aim for the head

I will not barf unless I'm sick

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge

I will not conduct my own fire drills

Funny noises are not funny

I will not spin the turtle

I will not snap bras

I will not fake seizures

This punishment is not boring and pointless

My name is not Dr. Death

I will not defame New Orleans (after the city of New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!")

I will not prescribe medication

I will not bury the new kid

I will not teach others to fly

I will not bring sheep to class

A burp is not an answer

Teacher is not a leper

Coffee is not for kids (each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl)

I will not eat things for money

I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call

The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee

I will not call the principal "spud head"

Goldfish don't bounce

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups

No one is interested in my underpants

I will not sell miracle cures

I will return the seeing-eye dog

I do not have diplomatic immunity

I will not charge admission to the bathroom

I will never win an Emmy (Seen in the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series," but wasn't nominated. The show had won "Best Animated Series" Emmys in the past.)

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy

I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle

I am not delightfully saucy

Organ transplants are best left to the professionals

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (in the 100th episode)

There are plenty of businesses like show business

I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun

Beans are neither fruit nor musical

I will not use abbrev.

I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.

I will not send lard through the mail

I will not dissect things unless instructed

I will not whittle hall passes out of soap

Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough

Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal

"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice

Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does

Next time it could be me on the scaffolding

I will not hang donuts on my person

I will remember to take my medication

I will not strut around like I own the place

The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far

I do not have power of attorney over first graders

Nerve gas is not a toy

I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface

The First Amendment does not cover burping

This is not a clue...or is it? (in the episode rumored to contain clues to the identity of Mr. Burns' shooter)

I will not complain about the solution when I hear it (in the episode where Mr. Burns’ shooter is revealed)

"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism

No one wants to hear from my armpits

I am not a lean mean spitting machine

The boys room is not a water park

Indian burns are not our cultural heritage

Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things

I will only do this once a year

I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist

I am not certified to remove asbestos

I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten

I am not my long-lost twin

The truth is not out there

I am not licensed to do anything

I will not hide the teacher's Prozac

A fire drill does not demand a fire

I no longer want my MTV

Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story

I did not invent Irish dancing

I will not tease Fatty

There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"

Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related

Shooting paintballs is not an art form

Pain is not the cleanser

Silly String is not a nasal spray

I was not told to do this

My butt does not deserve a website

I will not demand what I'm worth (a reference to the holdout of the cast for more money)

I will not mess with the opening credits (in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom)

I am not the new Dalai Lama

I was not the inspiration for "Kramer" (in the episode after the series finale of "Seinfeld")

I will not file frivolous lawsuits

No one cares what my definition of "is" is

I will not scream for ice cream

I am not a licensed hairstylist

"The President did it" is not an excuse (shown the day after President Clinton was impeached)

My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld

Sherri does not "got back"

I will not do the Dirty Bird

No one wants to hear about my sciatica

Hillbillies are people too

Grammar is not a time of waste

It does not suck to be you

I cannot absolve sins

A trained ape could not teach gym

Loose teeth don't need my help

I have neither been there nor done that

I'm so very tired

Fridays are not "pants optional"

Pork is not a verb

I am not the last Don

I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize

I won't not use no double negatives

I can't see dead people

I will not sell my kidney on eBay

I will not create art from dung

I will stop phoning it in

Class clown is not a paid position

Substitute teachers are not scabs

My suspension was not "mutual"

A belch is not an oral report

Dodgeball stops at the gym door

"Non-Flammable" is not a challenge

I was not touched "there" by an angel

I am not here on a fartball scholarship

I will not dance on anyone's grave

I cannot hire a substitute student

I will not obey the voices in my head

I will not plant subliminal messagores

I will not surprise the incontinent

I am not the acting President (a reference to the 2000 Presidential election, whose winner had still not been determined when this episode aired)

I was not the sixth Beatle

I will only provide a urine sample when asked

The nurse is not dealing

Science class should not end in tragedy

Network TV is not dead

I will not "let the dogs out"

I will not hide the teacher's medication

I will not publish the Principal's credit report

The hamster did not have "a full life"

I will not buy a Presidential pardon (a reference to President Clinton granting Presidential pardons to people who made donations to his campaign)

"Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap

I will not scare the Vice President (reference to Dick Cheney's hospitalization with a heart condition)

I will not flush evidence

Fire is not the cleanser

Genetics is not an excuse

Today is not Mothra's day (aired on Mother's Day, 2001)

I should not be twenty-one by now (Bart would be 21 in the 12th season if he was 10 in the first season, which ended in 1990, and he aged normally)

Nobody reads these anymore

A burp in a jar is not a science project

Fun does not have a size

I am not Charlie Brown on acid

I do not have a cereal named after me (when this episode aired, he did - Bart Simpson Peanut Butter Chocolate Crunch)

I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers

The giving tree is not a chump

Making Milhouse cry is not a science project

Vampire is not a career choice

I will never lie about being cancelled again (a reference to Matt Groening commenting in an interview that the show was "closer to winding it up." Groening later claimed he was "misquoted")

Fish do not like coffee

Milhouse did not test cootie positive

This school does not need a "regime change"

SpongeBob is not a contraceptive

I will not (Bart then chops up the blackboard with an axe)

My pen is not a booger launcher

Sandwiches should not contain sand

Over forty & single is not funny

I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be

Poking a dead raccoon is not research

Beer in a milk carton is not milk

A booger is not a bookmark

Does any kid still do this anymore?

I am not smarter than the President

Teacher was not dumped -- it was mutual

I will not laminate dog doo

I will not flip the classroom upside down (classroom is upside-down while Bart writes)

I will not leak the plot of the movie

Je ne parle pas Fran├žais

Have a great summer, everyone

Frankincense is not a monster

Global warming did not eat my homework

I will not look up what teacher makes

Pearls are not oyster barf

I will not wait 20 years to make another movie

The Wall Street Journal is better than ever

I am not an FDIC-insured bank

There is no such thing as an iPoddy

The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens

The capital of Montana is not "Hannah"

Teacher did not pay too much for her condo

The art teacher is fat, not pregnant

A person's a person no matter how Ralph

This punishment is not medieval.

Via The Simpsons Archive

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