Thursday, July 31, 2008
From HolyTaco.com. Are they spot on or what?
8. Person Who Insists On Cleaning Up Your Party While It’s Still Going On
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: Right in front of you, asking if your drink is finished. Or, methodically moving through the party with a white trash bag and a look on their face as if they’ve been hunting Osama Bin laden for the last 6 years and have narrowed down his whereabouts to somewhere in this party.
WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: Drinking a beer, much like sex, is far less enjoyable when someone is asking you if you’re finished every five minutes. It’s great that they want to help you clean up, but if you’ve decided to have a party, you’ve already resigned yourself to the fact that when it’s over, your house is going to probably look like the bathroom that Cary Elwes and Danny Glover woke up in, in the first Saw movie. I wonder if these people also decide to wipe their ass in the middle of taking a shit, just to “cut down on the work that has to be done when it’s all over!”
7. Guy Who Gets Wasted In The First Hour
WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM: Right by the fridge, bro, cause that’s where all the beer is!
HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: From the moment this guy shows up, everything he says has an exclamation point at the end of it. “This party rules, dude!” “I am ready to party TO-night!” “Let’s shotgun these, bro!” “Tits!” Then, one hour and 13 beers later this guy is incoherent, weaving on his feet and saying stuff like “Paartyyyygjlskdvm…” So, instead of kicking back and hanging out with your friends, you have to spend the rest of the night making sure he doesn’t puke on your couch, piss in your plants or crap on your coffee table.
6. Person Who Only Knows You
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: About two feet to the right of you, standing silently, staring at either you or the person you’re talking to.
WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: You invited them because during the four and a half minutes a day you talk to them at work, they seem pretty cool and/or really enjoy the impression you do of a fellow coworker. Except as soon as they get to your party, they tense up like Alex Rodriguez’s asshole during a game in October. You have two options at this point, 1) entertain them and include them in every conversation you have the entire night, like they’re your wife or husband even though you probably don’t know their last name, or 2) leave them on their own which leads to them standing in a corner by themselves, staring at you, causing your friends to ask you “I think that dude in the corner is planning on raping you.”
5. Crying Girl
WHERE YOU WILL FIND HER: She’s usually holed up in the bathroom (taking up valuable toilet space) with three of her bestest girlfriends—all three of whom are overweight.
HOW SHE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: The worst part is that this girl isn’t crying because her parents just died or she lost a limb. She’s sobbing into a fistful of tissues because she always needs to be the center of attention. If everyone’s not focused on her and all her problems, she just starts crying louder about her job or some lame guy who won’t date her. If possible, pair her up with the super wasted guy. She’ll think he’s listening and he’ll think he’s going to score.
4. Person Who Just Got Dumped By Their Girlfriend/Boyfriend
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: In any corner where they were able to trap and force someone to listen to them talk about how they “don’t know what happened,” and how it “seemed like things were fine and then all of a sudden she just said that she thought that we were different people now. What does that even mean? Do you know, because I sure as fuck don’t! I just miss her so much. My name’s Brian by the way.”
WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: If I wanted people to get depressed as fuck at my party, I’d screen a copy of Schlindler’s list. The problem with these people is, they don’t care who they talk to, and no excuse you give will stop them from talking to you. “Hey, I gotta run to the bathroom,” “No worries, I’ll just wait for you until your done, unlike my EX girlfriend, who wouldn’t wait no matter HOW important it was to go to the bathroom and would just leave you with NOTHING while you were in there.”
3. Creepy Dude Who Tries To Bang Chicks At The Very End Of The Party
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: Towards the end of the party, he’ll be wherever he hears the words “I can’t believe my friends left without me, they were my ride!” or “I’m so (hiccup) fucked up (hiccup) I gotta lay down or something.”
WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: There’s a reason why this dude waits till the end of the party to try and score; he’s way too fucking creepy to do so when someone isn’t in some sort of desperate situation. Thus, although he’s there because he’s either family, a neighbor, or someone else invited him, you now have to hope to God he doesn’t take advantage of someone at your party, otherwise your party will not be remembered as “That Fourth of July Party at Bill’s house,” and instead be remembered as “that party at Bill’s house where that creepy guy tried to fingerbang Michele while she was puking.”
2. Couple Who Brings Their Baby
COUPLE WHO BRING THEIR BABY: Off to the side, on their knees, pleading with a 6 month old child to stop screaming, or right next to you, asking you where he can dispose of a shit-filled diaper.
WHY THEY WILL RUIN THEIR PARTY: Nothing says party like the sound of a screaming child and the stench of talcum powder and baby diarrhea! If there was a dude puking, shitting and crying at your party, would you be cool with that? No, you’d either be like “Who the fuck brought this guy?” But if you say that about a baby suddenly that makes you an asshole. Meanwhile, the party sucks because everyone is being super-cautious and attentive to the baby, as if the other 99% of the time that they’re not there the baby is barely eluding death due to unsupervision.
1. Politics Guy
WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM: At the beginning of the night he usually stands right next to the front door where he overtly shows off his political button or T-shirt that says something like “Once You Go Barack, You Won’t Go Back” or “McCain = McStupid.” Then, after everyone shows up, he stealthily mingles from group to group while nonchalantly dropping lines like “Did you see what those fatcats tried to pull?” anytime there’s a lull in the conversation.
HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: No one in the history of parties has ever changed their political beliefs based on some asshole screaming about health care reform in the kitchen of a two bedroom apartment. His endlessly tiresome factoids and statistics about how much oil we consume and how the death penalty doesn’t work will make your guests either leave or kill themselves where they stand.