Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Milking the cow
Roy pays the rent
Worst. Apartment. Ever.
Date: 2008-06-11, 3:56PM PDT
Come live in a real honest-to-goodness shithole. We take great pride in our inability to keep good tenants happy.
Do you pay your rent on time every month? We will reward you by increasing it to the maximum allowable limit every year like clockwork.
Love hot water for your morning shower? Who doesn't? Well, you won't find those kind of luxuries here. The water temperature is tepid at best. And if your bathtub stops draining, you'll be billed for the repair, even though that's illegal.
Don’t worry when the ceiling leaks on sunny days. That’s the pipes above the ceiling that are leaking. All repairs will be made by unlicensed handymen found in the Home Depot parking lot.
We will attempt to clean your stained couch cushions in our own laundry facility, right on the premises. We won’t do a very good job, though. What do you care? You live in a shithole. Speaking of our laundry facility, please note that you will have a difficult time finding available washers & dryers. This is due to the fact that our on-site managers allow their various family members to do laundry when they make weekly visits.
Even though you see air-conditioners in two other apartments, do not be fooled into thinking that you too may enjoy electrically cooled rooms. Should you decide to install one in your unit, you will find an eviction notice taped to your front door.
We also like to snoop around your apartment once a month under the guise of smoke alarm checks.
Enjoy the beautiful pool -- but only during the week. Here's the schedule: Every Saturday at 10 AM the gardener uses his leaf blower to fill the pool with leaves & debris. It remains this way until the pool cleaner comes by on Monday. Perfect for kids that don’t yet have health problems.
The neighborhood gang activity keeps things lively as well. The dealers are all within walking distance. Convenient for drug users who are fed up with high gas prices. Enjoy real culture with vibrant artists ‘tagging’ their area. See that broken glass on the curb? That’s where a local artist liberated the contents of a car the night before. It’s OK, the owner needed a new stereo with iPod hook-ups anyway. Win-win.
We can’t imagine why this apartment has been vacant for over six months.
Large 2 bedroom 1 bath, newly painted, vertical blinds, ceiling fan, new appliances, pool, gated parking, new roof, laundry facilities, no pets, one year lease. Near Amoeba music, Arclight theaters, 24 hour fitness, The LA Film School, Sunset & Highland.
- Location: Hollywood
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
I'm thinkin' Arby's
"House," I can accept. "Palace" is pushing it.
"Original" Pancake House.. originally a Ponderosa.
Get a bucket o' flattened, chicken-like meat product
I love this one. Pizza Hut in the old Burger King. I wonder if the pizza crust tastes like day-old Whaler buns.
Gee, I wonder what this used to be?
Make a run for the (Canadian) border.
One can only hope that this is an ice cream place now.
This one's in Atlanta. I've seen it. Which reminds me.. I need my car back.
No, the "T" didn't fall off. It was pushed. Sheer brilliance! Who needs new signs when you can just lop off the first letter of the old ones? I wonder if the same owners have other stations called "Hell" or "Moco" or "P"?
Hang's really packing them in, isn't he?
That's one way to get teenagers to take test SAT prep classes. Move into an old Pizza Hut.
Want your egg roll regular or extra crispy?
Welcome to Dairy K. Would you like to try a Snowstorm?
A cop station in an old Pizza Hut. They couldn't find an empty Dunkin' Donuts?
Somehow the architecture and the palm trees just don't say Boston to me.
"Can I get a different car? This one smells like -- I dunno -- like fried clam strips."
Long John Gyro's, home of railing and concrete. Must be next door to a nursing home.
There's nothing American about this deli.
Try the chocolate Dippin' Dots!
Yeah, that looks just like Philly.
All these empty Taco Bells, and John picks a Wendy's?
An addition from The Courteous Chihuahua, and the best one of all of these.
Take a man. Add eye work, unisex glasses and Botox. Mix in a bad haircut or unfashionably long hair -- if possible, a dye job. A little doughy-ness doesn't hurt, either. Have a weakness for turtlenecks and by all means fight aging like it's a battle you can win if you try just a little harder, and there you have it: The winning formula to become a man who looks like an old lesbian.
He Is: Writer. Rush Limbaugh tormentor.
Looks Like: The art director of Lands' End catalog.
He Is: Actor. Director.
Looks Like: The head of Women's Studies at Community College of Denver.
He Is: Actor. Director. Former BFF of Carly Simon.
Looks Like: The famed foe of Bobby Riggs.
He Is: Actor known for his work with David Lynch and Elizabeth Berkley.
Looks Like: A manager of a website about two pet dogs.
He Is: Actor. Time Magazine whiz kid. Reported I.Q. of 180 (same as cast of Carpoolers).
Looks Like: The author of a paper stating sex with a man is, by definition, a hate crime.
He Is: Comic. Actor. Drummer. Impersonator of the President Bush with more successful foreign policy.
Looks Like: The runner of a rescue service for emotionally abused cats.
RICK JAMES (bitch!)
He Was: Musician. Famously sampled funk legend. Fan of hair extensions. Troubled individual.
Looked Like: A person who reportedly married a lesbian comic who goes by the single name "Margaret."
He Is: Actor. Writer. Tall person. Compulsive do-gooder in a less-crazy-than- Sean-Penn way.
Looks Like: Winner of 12 straight division wins as coach of Florida Gators women's volleyball team in the late 1970s and early 80s.
He Is: Writer. Director. Comic. Long-time partner to morning news show anchor Diane Sawyer. Directed Angels in America and Catch-22.
Looks Like: Director of four episodes of The L Word.
He Is: Comic. Writer. Actor. Creator of the hugely popular The Office and the somewhat less popular Extras.
Looks Like: Someone who moved to Aleutian Islands with social worker partner and is studying to be a priest in the Anglican Church.
He Is: Leader of North Korea.
Looks Like: A Lea-DeLaria-impersonating soccer mom.
He Is: An old lesbian.
Looks Like: An old lesbian. With bad plastic surgery.
See the rest in the full article HERE.