An SNL classic.
Monday, May 12, 2008
who put the dead bird in my mailbox? - w4m
Date: 2008-04-20, 12:56PM EDT
a) how did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it is locked
b) did you kill the bird
c) it died horribly, that much was clear
d) you're psycho
e) do I know you
f) if I do know you I don't want to know you
g) if I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox
h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them
i) it was a hummingbird, I looked it up - they don't even live in New York - this is so f*ing psycho, I can't believe this
j) are you the mailman?
k) I'm always nice to the mailman
l) the super didn't care when I told him what happened
m) the neighbors didn't care either
n) do you have some kind of problem with birds
o) don't put anything else in my mailbox
p) unless it's an apology
q) no, I take that back, I don't even want an apology
r) what am I supposed to do with this bird - it's in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now - am I supposed to bury it - where? how? in a construction site where they've jackhammered through the concrete - where is a person supposed to bury things in this city?
s) I could drop it in the Gowanus canal, but that seems undignified
t) I could drop it in the ocean, but the ocean is so big and it is such a small bird
u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck
v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!" but still the whirring doesn't go away until I get to the stairwell
w) am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don't you know I'm a vegetarian
x) if this was Ricky, I'm gonna beat your ass, mama told you stop bothering the zoo
y) if this was Gina, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how many times I gotta say I'm sorry
z) I could drop it off the roof, maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my mail again
- Location: crown heights
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
A little late, I suppose, but that's why it's not called Timely List Of The Day. This one's from Rolling Stone, notorious for crappy lists, and it doesn't disappoint. Rap-heavy and the obligatory Radiohead inclusion. But Britney Spears? Please.
Here's 20; see the rest here. The picks and the copy are all theirs, so don't bitch at me. I'm not ashamed to say I've only heard about three songs on this list.
1. "Roc Boys" - Jay-Z
This is black superhero music, circa 2007: Jay-Z goes to the movies and comes back with a song that plays like the Copacabana scene in GoodFellas translated into hip-hop. The most triumphant sound anyone came up with all year.
2. "A Few Words in Defense of Our Country" - Randy Newman
"Let's drop the big one and see what happens." That was Newman's advice twenty-five years ago in "Political Science." But on this farewell to the American empire, it turns out we dropped the big one on ourselves: "The leaders we have/While they're the worst that we've had/Are hardly the worst this poor world has seen." Bush: not as bad as Stalin. Don't you feel better?
3. "Umbrella" - Rihanna
This year's "Crazy," as in the sleeper hit that becomes the world's favorite song. And then just keeps getting more popular, until everybody can hear that robot voice chanting "ella ella ella, ay ay ay" in their sleep.
4. "D.A.N.C.E." - Justice
The breakout tune from the hypercool Paris dance label Ed Banger (run by Daft Punk's manager) is a blast of glitter-disco joy, with a rubbery bass line and an insistent children's chorus demanding that you "do the dance!"
5. "Four Winds" - Bright Eyes
The lyrics evoke W.B. Yeats; the music, J.C. Mellencamp. No song better captured our current sense of looming apocalypse than this one: "The Bible's blind, the Torah's deaf, the Koran's mute/If you burned them all together, you'd get close to the truth."
6. "Dough Is What I Got" - Lil Wayne
Insanely prolific (or maybe just insane), the self-proclaimed Best Rapper Alive works his down-South magic over a jazzy sax sample and proves his sub-zero flow can make the shy girls horny and the fly girls corny.
7. "Rehab" - Amy Winehouse
Not since Eminem has a pop song hit with this subversive force: The contrast between the retro production and the defiantly slurred chorus is hilarious at first — then heartbreaking.
8. "Long Walk Home" - Bruce Springsteen
In a song that sums up the American moment better than any presidential candidate has managed, the darkness on the edge of town creeps into Main Street — and we're left to figure out what went wrong.
9. "Boyz" - M.I.A.
A dutty-rock jam about riding with your girls, calling out the dude version of "How many ladies in the house?" Except M.I.A. turns those shout-outs into a global-capitalism survey: "How many no-money boys are crazy . . . how many start a war?"
10. "Int'l Player's Anthem" - UGK
Before his sudden death, Pimp C celebrated his release from jail with the posse cut of the year: Houston's reigning hip-hop duo with fellow Dirty South crews Three 6 Mafia and OutKast.
11. "Stronger" - Kanye West
Robot funk is the new soul loop! With his futuristic, Daft Punk-fueled synthfest, Kanye declares he's down with hipster America's obsession with French dance music.
12. "Gunslinger" - John Fogerty
Armed with Creedence-y twang, Fogerty turns Bush's love for Wild West demagoguery against him, yearning for some frontier justice to tame the "wild-eyed bunch" running the country.
13. "The Past Is a Grotesque Animal" - Of Montreal
The best Bowie homage to mention Georges Bataille since . . . ever? Ever! Almost twelve minutes of emotional turmoil, with an intense krautrock groove full of synths and guitar.
14. "I Get Money" - 50 Cent
This over-the-top celebration of stanky richness was one of the strongest radio hits of 2007, thanks to its grinding beat, nickel-plated hooks and 50's pile-driving rhymes.
15. "Piece of Me" - Britney Spears
Britney gets a pissed-off synth rocker to match her shaved head as she eviscerates the tabs one by one. Proof that she's got a soul — and the right producers to construct it for her.
16. "You Got Yr Cherry Bomb" - Spoon
Britt Daniel's sandpaper voice meets a reconstituted Motown groove built on riffing saxes, a spry dance beat and loads of reverb. A painstakingly detailed slice of indie heartache.
17. "Weird Fishes/Arpeggi" - Radiohead
Just what nobody expected from Radiohead at this late date: a love song, with Thom Yorke singing like he's been spending quality time with his Al Green records.
18. "Icky Thump"- The White Stripes
Wondering why there were so few great guitar riffs this year? Turns out Jack White used 'em all up in this song.
19. "1234" - Feist
It starts with an acoustic guitar and lyrics that could have been written by Sesame Street's Count von Count. But then come the horns, banjo, pianos, choir and finger snaps — adding up to '07's unlikely world-conquering jam.
20. "All My Friends" - LCD Soundsystem
Seven minutes of electro disco that capture the ecstatic bliss of a perfect drug-fueled night and the bittersweet comedown that follows.
(Those kind of bangs are called the "Kennesaw Claw" around these parts)
(Or, as WWTDD calls her, The Goat)