When I heard that Neil was on "American Idol" last week, it immediately made me think of this SNL classic. You will never her the song "America" the same way again.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
... got it on... did the deed... got horizontal... made the beast... bumped uglies?
By wild I mean unusual or risky... like in the back of your SUV in broad daylight in a grocery store parking lot.
Feel free to answer anonymously if you like; I won't look to see who you are (unless it's really kinky).
The question brings to mind this classic Newlywed Game moment.
In case you couldn't read her lips, she said, "In the ass."
From The Onion. Many thanks to TheMovieGuru for the link.
I saw today's list on Reenie's Reach, and asked Reen if I could repost it here. She kindly agreed. Enjoy.
Last month a good friend and I decided once again to try the personal ads on a well-known Internet dating site. She’s had a few dates, but that’s for her to report, not me… but, boy howdy, I sure could have fun. Anyway, the two of us have laughed ourselves dumb-silly as we've read some of the listings.
My neighbors recently convinced me to stop using the site, as they have made it their mission to find me a good man – one I am deserving of. I’d be a fool to pass up such an offer. But, I will certainly miss the laughs.
Here are some of my favorites from the thousands I read, taken verbatim -- warts and all -- from the site.
1. I am a farm boy and would like to find a lady who could drive the Deere on occasion...
OMIGOD! I think I hear a banjo.
2. This is the time to get dound to earth honesty i'am quite type of a person like any other i get lonely, but i do try to make up for it i do not like the silant treatment when there are something wrong...
Do any of you have a clue what he just said?
3. I am a christian man loking for a woman that is not ashamed of servicing GOD.
Something about that sentence sounds downright perverted.
4. I am honest fathful and a one woman man like to have a partnert todo things with and to go placeses with and have fun like to fish and would like someone to do the same things.
Helloooo, spell check!
5. Where are you that I may pumper you. I need none but you. I would not rest until I find you and put your head on my chest. I would like to play the only game I am very good at. It is played behind closed doors...
Okay, I’m sure he meant pamper instead of pumper… Hmmmm, but maybe not. Oh, ick.
6. I am a Capricorn whose Moon is in Pisces...
And what about Uranus?
7. I do not Smoke, chew or dip.
Phew! In these here parts one does have to worry about the dip.
8. I would like someone to be friendly but not flurt with everyone, I, am sort of a stay home guy go out to eat family gatherings sometimes. I guess I enjoy mowing my yard , the rider type mower.
9. Low key person, loving my god and loving my retirement would like one day to go to a super bowl game.
10. My friends say im a neatnik, i take up to 4 showers a day, and change clothing as frequently.i like (obsessed might be a beetter word).
Holy Shitski! I feel dirty just ready this.
11. Intellegent, kind, considerate, gentleman and fun loving.
12. WAS MARRIED FOR 46 YEARS, DIVORCED RECENTLY, TALK WITH MY EYES, LOVE TO MAKE A WOMEN FEEL GOOD AND SECURE, WAS IN A HEAD-ON AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT 4 YEARS AGO.
Okay, I know I shouldn’t be laughing… because, by the grace of God… but really, folks.
13. Am a serious retired 65 year old male that wants a loving caring women who speaks her mind, not timid, but doesn't talk my ear off.
Well, that does it – blah,blah,blah.
14. Looking for someone that is kind, considerate and trusworhy and has that special chemisty between you and me.
Do these people have special computers/software with no spell check?
15. Would love someone that is honest and open that a special intemancy can be obtained.
Bleh and gag. Fuckmerunning.
16. WoW ! I am a people person; I love people regardless of who you are, every body is God's child, including you ! I am versatile, love going to church, bible study!
I’ve put this poor soul on my prayer list.
17. I am a gentle, affectionate, caring person. I am not into arguing and being or making others upset. I like a happy life. I like to joke and enjoy friendly company.
Really not bad concepts – it’s the presentation that sucks.
18. I am a Johnny Cash collector addict. Also collect John Deere stuff. I like to get on the computer a good bit. I try to go to church every chance I can. I am a foot washing Baptist.
There isn’t enough space here for my asides, but… what the hell is the deal with John Deere and men… they’d rather ride him than a woman? *Sigh* And I’m not going touch anything regarding the foot washing Baptist, literally.
19. I love to travel and spent a great week at Hilton Head this summer. Walking on the beach and trying not to step on the little crabs was funny.
You know how most personal ads say that a sense of humor is important? Well, I don’t connect with this guy’s humor at all. Not trying to step on the little crabs was funny? I don’t get it.
20. I'm a man who needs to be needed. I'm looking for a woman who can satisfy that. I want a woman who is looking for marriage in the near future. I like passive women.
Okay, what fucking planet is he from?
21. I am a fairly interesting person who is looking for a woman with some sex appeal ...Please dont be a complainer or live in the past. Not intrested in a woman who gets undressed with the "lights off", or one that needs an apointment for the "right time". Looking for a someone with a smile and "enthusiam for life" to share good times with. I love exciting conversation, and erotic anticipation. I also like dresses, skirts, stockings, bras and panties and a womans touch. I want a woman to be a woman. No more of the ecletic types of the "me generation" . Is there anyone out there that feels this way or is an embarassing "gigle" and a "twinkleling smile" a thing of the past?
This man is more than annoying. Makes me want to have a sex change so I can go beat him up. Hey! I don’t need a sex change for that…
22. I am fun and beginning the most inlightened period in my life.
Good God, someone just fucking shoot me now. P-l-e-a-s-e. And get this man a tampon.
23. I would like to meet a good harted woman that could be there and shear their life with me and help make a good home for us to live in. I some times lend money to the needy . I call it lending so they dont fell bad about taking money.
This man’s ad was sorta heartwrenching – filled with very bad grammar & spelling, but I must admit, of all the ads I’ve read, he had a good heart… A real good hart. In fact, I don’t have the hart to poke fun at him.
Obviously, my dear, dear neighbors have a lot of hard work ahead. I wonder if they knew what they were taking on. Ya know, it’s not like I’m not looking for someone to talk quantum computers with. I just want to find a nice guy. And, dang, Cary’s already taken!