Friday, May 2, 2008
The 10 Most Insane, Child-Warping Moments of '80s Cartoons
The ‘80s were supposed to be a harmless time for toys and the cartoons that sold them. Whether shilling lines of action figures or promoting characters who would eventually be action figures, these shows were designed to eat up kids’ attention in 30-minute blocks while ham-handedly promoting good citizenship and hygiene. In spite of this, cartoons sometimes snuck in certain moments that were clearly designed to break impressionable minds and pervert the youth of America.
10) Shipwreck’s Family Melts in G.I. Joe
Rule one of traumatizing kids through cartoons: abuse the most beloved character. And G.I. Joe’s most beloved character was Shipwreck, the likable naval wisecracker who was in no way based on Jack Nicholson. So the episode “There’s No Place Like Springfield” took Shipwreck and stuck him in a bizarre simulacrum of the future, with his wife and a daughter he didn’t remember having...
9) The Care Bears Raise the Dead in Care Bears Movie II
The Care Bears were purportedly intended to promote Christian values, but they generally pushed the same lessons as filthy amoral heathen cartoon characters: believe in yourself, eat your vegetables, don’t litter, don’t cut in line, don’t be an asshole, and don’t sell your soul to demons. Yet there’s one moment where the sky-dwelling bears go into full-blown Jesus mode and raise the dead...
8) Turtle-Human Lust in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Over the course of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, each of the turtles got his own love interest, and none of them, mercifully, ever included their human ally, April O’Neil. As we saw it, they were all just friends. Yet there’s at least one scene that gives us viewers pause: in the episode “April Fool,” April leaves behind her yellow jumpsuit for once and dons formal wear...
7) The Smurfs Sing Someone to Death in The Smurfs
On the list of threatening cartoon characters, the Smurfs land just above the Snorks and just below the Shirt Tales, who could probably still tear a grown man apart if they all attacked at once. But there’s another side to the Smurfs and their seemingly innocuous world of mushroom houses and single-trait characters. And it’s not just the "GNAP" virus...
6) Seaspray Becomes a Mermaid and Hits on Bumblebee in Transformers
Never mind all of the gruesome mechanical death in the Transformers movie or the episode where Perceptor became a robot geisha on a planet of feudal Japanese aliens; the most screwed-up moment in Transformers cartoon history comes when the burbling-voiced Seaspray commits several crimes against nature...
For 5 through 1, please visit the original article at ToplessRobot.com.
Sweet Jesus... if I had pulled that shit on my grandma, she woulda used every inch of her 5-foot-2 frame to beat me like a rented mule. And that's exactly what this little fuckface needs: a good. Old. Fashioned. Ass. Whupping. Like, yesterday.
If I'm one of those cops, I'm saying, go ahead, Grandma, commence with the beat-down... we won't see a thing.
No video games for a weekend. Shit. How about you can't sit for a week? Bitch.
From the always entertaining Vaniqua.
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Ever.
- When a heroic dog dies to save its master
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
- After wrecking your boss’ car
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
- When she is using her teeth
- Being able to recognize a play
- Recognizing a foul in the course of play and calling it before the ref does
- Knowing a player’s stats going back at least five years; knowledge of player's college career means she’s a keeper
- Being able to drink as much as the other sports watchers
- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!
- Looking great, babe
- Feel the burn. Yeah, that’s it. Oooh yeah!
29. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference?
30. TV shows guys are not allowed to watch, unless they want their guyhood revoked: Gray's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Oprah, The View.
31. Movies guys are not allowed to watch, no matter how whipped they are: Dirty Dancing, The Notebook, The Bridges of Madison County, anything with Hugh Grant, Gwyneth Paltrow (excluding Seven) or J Lo.