Friday, May 2, 2008

Two clips from Wanda Sykes

Wanda kills me. Both clips are from her 2007 HBO special, "Sick And Tired" (the second one is a repost). The audio is not safe for work.

Wanda on American Idol



Wanda's wish for a certain body part

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Motivational Poster Of The Day

No, not "just a lamp"; a vagina-powered lamp. When's the last time you saw one of those?

From Mark W. (not Wahlberg)



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10 Most Insane, Child-Warping Moments of 80s Cartoons

From Traci, a fun list from ToplessRobot.com. It's long, so I'm only excerpting it. Please see the original article for the full list and text. These were all after my time, but I bet some of you remember them.

The 10 Most Insane, Child-Warping Moments of '80s Cartoons

The ‘80s were supposed to be a harmless time for toys and the cartoons that sold them. Whether shilling lines of action figures or promoting characters who would transformerswtf.pngeventually be action figures, these shows were designed to eat up kids’ attention in 30-minute blocks while ham-handedly promoting good citizenship and hygiene. In spite of this, cartoons sometimes snuck in certain moments that were clearly designed to break impressionable minds and pervert the youth of America.

10) Shipwreck’s Family Melts in G.I. Joe

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Rule one of traumatizing kids through cartoons: abuse the most beloved character. And G.I. Joe’s most beloved character was Shipwreck, the likable naval wisecracker who was in no way based on Jack Nicholson. So the episode “There’s No Place Like Springfield” took Shipwreck and stuck him in a bizarre simulacrum of the future, with his wife and a daughter he didn’t remember having...


9) The Care Bears Raise the Dead in Care Bears Movie II

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The Care Bears were purportedly intended to promote Christian values, but they generally pushed the same lessons as filthy amoral heathen cartoon characters: believe in yourself, eat your vegetables, don’t litter, don’t cut in line, don’t be an asshole, and don’t sell your soul to demons. Yet there’s one moment where the sky-dwelling bears go into full-blown Jesus mode and raise the dead...

8) Turtle-Human Lust in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

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Over the course of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, each of the turtles got his own love interest, and none of them, mercifully, ever included their human ally, April O’Neil. As we saw it, they were all just friends. Yet there’s at least one scene that gives us viewers pause: in the episode “April Fool,” April leaves behind her yellow jumpsuit for once and dons formal wear...

7) The Smurfs Sing Someone to Death in The Smurfs

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On the list of threatening cartoon characters, the Smurfs land just above the Snorks and just below the Shirt Tales, who could probably still tear a grown man apart if they all attacked at once. But there’s another side to the Smurfs and their seemingly innocuous world of mushroom houses and single-trait characters. And it’s not just the "GNAP" virus...

6) Seaspray Becomes a Mermaid and Hits on Bumblebee in Transformers

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Never mind all of the gruesome mechanical death in the Transformers movie or the episode where Perceptor became a robot geisha on a planet of feudal Japanese aliens; the most screwed-up moment in Transformers cartoon history comes when the burbling-voiced Seaspray commits several crimes against nature...

For 5 through 1, please visit the original article at ToplessRobot.com.

Classic Vid Of The Day: Need Glasses?

This one's been around a while. It amuses me. Thanks, James, for the reminder.

Somewhat unsafe for work.


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Vid Of The Day: The Littlest Car Thief

Yeah, good idea, go ahead and get him into the system. He'll be back.

Sweet Jesus... if I had pulled that shit on my grandma, she woulda used every inch of her 5-foot-2 frame to beat me like a rented mule. And that's exactly what this little fuckface needs: a good. Old. Fashioned. Ass. Whupping. Like, yesterday.

If I'm one of those cops, I'm saying, go ahead, Grandma, commence with the beat-down... we won't see a thing.

No video games for a weekend. Shit. How about you can't sit for a week? Bitch.

From the always entertaining Vaniqua.


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The International Rules Of Manhood

From Danielle.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Ever.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
  • When a heroic dog dies to save its master
  • The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
  • After wrecking your boss’ car
  • One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
  • When she is using her teeth
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. But you may complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you give her a Dutch Oven (trapping her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment), she’s officially your girlfriend and can actually be branded as such.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and it’s free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Period.

15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything. And you shouldn’t have even been looking there in the first place.

16. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game with particulars. this can include:
  • Being able to recognize a play
  • Recognizing a foul in the course of play and calling it before the ref does
  • Knowing a player’s stats going back at least five years; knowledge of player's college career means she’s a keeper
  • Being able to drink as much as the other sports watchers
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both; that’s just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
  • Yeah, Baby, Push it!
  • C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
  • Another set and we can hit the showers!
  • Looking great, babe
  • Feel the burn. Yeah, that’s it. Oooh yeah!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. (And if you do talk to a guy at the urinal next to you, keep your eyes forward at all times. Don't even think about looking his way.)

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. If the situation warrants, lie about some plausible thing you have to do then hang up if immediately.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other one more time before having the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is never, EVER acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an X-box and all the power tools I’ve always wanted. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men’s gymnastics. Ever.

29. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference?

Guts: arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

Balls: coming home late after a night out with the guys, reeking of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, then slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”

My additions...

30. TV shows guys are not allowed to watch, unless they want their guyhood revoked: Gray's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Oprah, The View.

31. Movies guys are not allowed to watch, no matter how whipped they are: Dirty Dancing, The Notebook, The Bridges of Madison County, anything with Hugh Grant, Gwyneth Paltrow (excluding Seven) or J Lo.

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